(no subject)
i <3 Gavin. I have never felt so strongly about someone so quickly. And that is funny, since sexual we moved so slow. Today is exactly 4 weeks since our first date. Is it weird that I already feel like I love him? Although I am not really sure I even know what love is. I just feel overwhelming happyness being with him and when he smiles at me, I melt.
On a decidedly different note, I dont know why but i keep trying to make peace with Matture. So last night I tried to be civil and see how he was doing, etc. And all he had for me was hurtfulness and insults. He told me he hadn't been attracted to me in a while, and that he chose to leave, not because he COULDN'T give up games, but because I wasn't worth it. Blah Blah. I felt so hollow and betrayed when he told me these things. I felt like how could I not see through him. I know he is the reason I am so self consciece and have body image issues. He alway had an issue with me not being thin enough. But the truth is it was his own issue. He always thought he was fat, so he projects that unhappyness with himself onto me. I realize how much he scarred me, and that I am just now even begining to reach into the depths to which im hurt. But I feel like I am so lucky I got away, and didn't throw my happiness away by starting a life with him. I feel like I have a new start and a chance finally to be happy. And as for him not thinking im attractive.....who cares. He is no great looker. I just pity him that he will never be able to see someone for who they are..not what size jeans they wear. Gavin, on the other hand, says I have nothing to be self consciece about. I called him last night at 2 in the morning after I was feeling sad and he made it all better. I think part of the reason I am feeling so close to him, is that he incourages me to open up to him, even if it means waking him up in the middle of the night. I HATE talking to him about Matt, but truthfully, I am still dealing with issues that have to be worked through. I am glad he is patient enough to do it with me.
Last night I went to dinner with Gavin, his mom and his dad. It was a lot of fun. We went to this Indian place in deerfield. His parents are adroable together. They have been together for 35 years! And he is still doting and complimentary and adroable. I see where Gavin gets it. I ordered this vegetarian dish that was chickpeas and spinach. I thought it was quite tasty, but Gavin insisted I didnt like it. After dinner we went back to my house and cuddled in bed and talked some stuff over and then played a bit:)
Tonight we went out to dinner with my dad. My dad, Gavin, sam and I all went for sushi. We had a laugh, my dad is alwasy good fun. He is such a silly man. Then we went to TCBY and then back home. In the car on the way to dinner my dad was making conversation with me about law school and such and asked where i wanted to go etc. So we were discussing New york and the cold winters and my dad goes "New York is far, how will Gavin come to see you there" And without skipping a beat, Gavin replys "I have alwasy wanted to see snow, no better place then NY" This is a subject we have not brooched yet. Thanks Dad! My sister pulled down the mirror from the front passenger mirror to give me a little wicked smile. Oh life with the Levine Family.
So I said a lot for someone who really had nothing to say. I just needed to get these feelings out of me before I exploded. Tonight while we were kissing, I just kept saying in my head over and over again "i love you, I love you" And I felt like it was so loud he surely heard me and thought I was a freak. I know it is way to rediculously early to say I love you. So I will just write it here:)
Good night all you out there in livejournal world.
On a decidedly different note, I dont know why but i keep trying to make peace with Matture. So last night I tried to be civil and see how he was doing, etc. And all he had for me was hurtfulness and insults. He told me he hadn't been attracted to me in a while, and that he chose to leave, not because he COULDN'T give up games, but because I wasn't worth it. Blah Blah. I felt so hollow and betrayed when he told me these things. I felt like how could I not see through him. I know he is the reason I am so self consciece and have body image issues. He alway had an issue with me not being thin enough. But the truth is it was his own issue. He always thought he was fat, so he projects that unhappyness with himself onto me. I realize how much he scarred me, and that I am just now even begining to reach into the depths to which im hurt. But I feel like I am so lucky I got away, and didn't throw my happiness away by starting a life with him. I feel like I have a new start and a chance finally to be happy. And as for him not thinking im attractive.....who cares. He is no great looker. I just pity him that he will never be able to see someone for who they are..not what size jeans they wear. Gavin, on the other hand, says I have nothing to be self consciece about. I called him last night at 2 in the morning after I was feeling sad and he made it all better. I think part of the reason I am feeling so close to him, is that he incourages me to open up to him, even if it means waking him up in the middle of the night. I HATE talking to him about Matt, but truthfully, I am still dealing with issues that have to be worked through. I am glad he is patient enough to do it with me.
Last night I went to dinner with Gavin, his mom and his dad. It was a lot of fun. We went to this Indian place in deerfield. His parents are adroable together. They have been together for 35 years! And he is still doting and complimentary and adroable. I see where Gavin gets it. I ordered this vegetarian dish that was chickpeas and spinach. I thought it was quite tasty, but Gavin insisted I didnt like it. After dinner we went back to my house and cuddled in bed and talked some stuff over and then played a bit:)
Tonight we went out to dinner with my dad. My dad, Gavin, sam and I all went for sushi. We had a laugh, my dad is alwasy good fun. He is such a silly man. Then we went to TCBY and then back home. In the car on the way to dinner my dad was making conversation with me about law school and such and asked where i wanted to go etc. So we were discussing New york and the cold winters and my dad goes "New York is far, how will Gavin come to see you there" And without skipping a beat, Gavin replys "I have alwasy wanted to see snow, no better place then NY" This is a subject we have not brooched yet. Thanks Dad! My sister pulled down the mirror from the front passenger mirror to give me a little wicked smile. Oh life with the Levine Family.
So I said a lot for someone who really had nothing to say. I just needed to get these feelings out of me before I exploded. Tonight while we were kissing, I just kept saying in my head over and over again "i love you, I love you" And I felt like it was so loud he surely heard me and thought I was a freak. I know it is way to rediculously early to say I love you. So I will just write it here:)
Good night all you out there in livejournal world.