Gosh
I need to vent.
So please bear with me.
But I think that's the best part about blogging:
Venting.
So...in art today, we did a critique. We've done SEVERAL critiques before, but for once--I KNEW I actually had something that looked AMAZING.
Like, if you looked at it, and then looked at all my other stuff, you wouldn't even KNOW that I drew it. That's how much I've improved over 2 weeks. It looked SO cool!
All the other critiques, he gave LOTS of constructive criticism about mine, and I took that criticim and improved.
Like, really.
My friends joked with me and said I must be from the Chicago Art institute and just trying to play dumb by saying: "I've never had art before--how do you draw a cube? OH! So THAT'S how you draw a cylinder! Thanks for the help on the sphere by the way." ((because before this class, I didn't know how to draw ANY geometric shape or ANYTHING))
And I took a picture of it on my phone and showed my mom and she was like: "Omgosh! YOU drew that?"
And when I hung it up today, lots of people said: "Oh, I REALLY like hers."
Then, for our critique, each of us had to stand up there and say what we liked about our picture and what we didn't like. After that, he would then critique the picture and when he was done, the rest of us had a chance to tell the artist what we thought of his/her work.
Well, there was one that looked like CRAP!
She NEVER wants to be there. She pops out pictures in 10-15 minutes. Does 3 of those and then scribbles on her paper or sits down for the remainder of the four hours.
The focus of the still-life we drew was supposed to be: solid geometric forms, perspective, shading, composition, the use of manufactured charcoal, vine charcoal, and white conte.
HERS: It was a sloppy sketch of a couple of boxes. SCARCE shading. NO conte. It just...I don't know. And the background was sloppily colored in and it was like: "Did you SERIOUSLY put that up for critique? SERIOUSLY? Look how much EFFORT everyone else put into theirs!"
...but I was dumbfounded.
Because he actuallly...said he liked it.
I think all of us were like: "what the hell?"
Then, when it was my turn...
I went up there and said ((in summary)): "I really think I need to improve on some of my shapes. Draw straighter lines...draw them correctly. But the one thing I REALLY like about my picture is the composition. I love how the foreground and the background fit in this plane. It's nice. To me."
Then I sat down.
He got up there.
And was brutal.
I was so shocked.
The first thing he told me?
"The shapes are fine--but this composition does NOT work."
Omgosh.
So I sat there and tried to take in all his criticism, but after a couple minutes, I was like: "is he really still critiquing my picture?" and even still, half the things he said...I couldn't see what he was talking about. And he kept going on and on.
I was so confused.
Why was he tearing mine apart so much?
Why didn't he say ANYTHING nice when he's supposed to point out the good and the bad?
Did mine really look awful?
How come each critique was 1 1/2 minutes long and mine was 4?
What was wrong with it?
When he was done tearing mine apart ((he told me he liked my sphere...but the sphere was the worst part of my picture...I'd never drawn one before that!))...
He went right on to the next.
He didn't let anyone raise their hand and tell me what they thought.
He didn't even say: "you've really improved."
After the critique, I went back to my eisel, and looked at the picture I had been working on for the 45 minutes before the critique. It looked good.
But it had the same composition as the one he had critiqued, so I ripped that one off and had to start over.
I handled the critique very well I think...only he threw me out of my artistic groove, but I didn't over-react about his critique.
I tried to take all of it in like always.
And we all know...it's VERY hard to take critique.
I told my friends that it was bothering me during our break, and they said it confused them too.
Courtney told me his critique was very useless today.
Amanda told me that I HAVE improved SOOOO much and that maybe he was critiquing me so hard because he saw lots and lots of talent/potential in me as an artist.
But what was weird...was that I went home just fine [[blasting Gackt's "Lost Angels"...Omgosh...it's such a powerful song.]].
My mom asked me how school was.
I said: "not great."
And then I started talking to her about it and everything...and then...out of the blue--I started crying.
Okay okay.
That's understandable.
But then.
I started Hyperventilating.
I kept gasping for air and couldn't catch my breath.
It was scary and I didn't know why my body was freaking out like that.
I just couldn't breathe.
I took my shirt off (had another underneathe, don't worry).
I drank some water.
I took off my make-up and washed my face.
I laid down.
I held my other shirt to my nose and tried to breathe into that.
I tried to stop breathing altogether.
I grabbed a paper-bag to breathe into it.
It was a horrible hour and a half.
And my throat and my chest hurt so badly now.
I just don't understand why that happened.
Because I understand about CRITIQUES. I understand that as an artist, I will ALWAYS be critiqued. So I wasn't upset about the critique...but when I went home and started hyperventilating...I have no idea why.
My mom said she was proud of me that I didn't cry during the critique and that maybe I was hyperventilating because I held it in so long. But that she was glad I was letting it out.
But I don't know.
I feel like a baby, and I'm embarrassed that I started hyperventilating--but I don't even know WHY I hyperventilated!!
This week has been miserable.
After last monday's tornado, for every night, I have a nightmare about tornadoes. And then, the other night, it started storming at 3 in the morning, and I jumped up and ran into our safe-closet just in case a tornado came.
And every day this week, I felt weak. Like, I couldn't focus on anything, I couldn't quite feel my limbs and my body was just...weak.
It's been really tough.
Maybe everything is related?
I think I could have done without today's critique though.
It was WORTHLESS.
*sigh*