(no subject)
I knew everything would catch up with me eventually- and I should have figured it would be tonight. I suppose I can chalk it up to the sheer exhaustion (both physical and mental) that has resulted from the previous week and a half. Perhaps in combination with the monumentous life experiences that have occurred over that same time frame.
Or maybe it really just is this place. There's something about being on campus here that makes me become very introspective. Its a good thing- except when I start overanalyzing.
Like right now.
Today has been an emotional rollercoaster. Its been amazing seeing my old professors and catching up with them, seeing their excitement when I explain my plans for the coming years. Its been exhilerating (and somewhat nostalgic) to walk around campus, seeing places that meant something to me while I was here, and exploring new territory.
The smells are even the same. I can't really explain how smells affect me. Everything looks familiar, true, and I remember specific locations... but its not until Im walking down Gambrell hall and get a whiff of... well, Gambrell Hall, and I suddenly feel transported back to Freshman year. Chiles might be renovated, but the smells haven't changed. Johns Hall has the same effect on me- the smell of cleaner, mop solution and rat cages, if I close my eyes I can convince myself its fall of 2006 and Im on my way to Psych 22, dreading going back to my room and seeing Paula, waiting for my asshole boyfriend to call me back, and trying to plan a study schedule so I can make time for Homecoming festivities.
I guess its fitting that I end my undergraduate career here. I left so much emotional baggage behind when I transferred, never expecting to open it again, but now Im being forced to unpack, reorganize, and move on with my life. Its amazing how many people have commented on great I look- not necessary in a physical way, but in reference to my general persona. Its a Bethany no one here ever knew, I don't even know if I had remembered who she was. Im glad to be back, Im glad to be me. Its just hard having to face the shell of a person I was when I attended here.
Im excited for my summer work with Dr. P. We have some AMAZING opportunities coming up for the May Experience, and the research she has set up for the rest of my tenure here will be amazing. I just wish the administration could get its act together. As of now my Palacard does not swipe and let me into buildings, our furman usernames won't be activated until Wednesday at the earliest, which means Im stuck with only gaining wireless access in the parlors, and most upsetting- we aren't going to be given any sort of mailing address for the summer. Basically if I need something sent to me I have to get it sent c/o the Psych department. Let me tell you, that's going to get obnoxious really fast.
I don't handle idleness very well. Kat at least has been assigned readings and work with Dr. Hahn, but Dr.P and I wont meet until Wednesday morning for me to chose which project to work on. I know, I know, I really should just relax and appreciate the opportunity I've been given to relax. But there's so much on my mind right now, so much to process, that I would give anything to have psych articles to bury myself into.
I'm a college graduate. Im a college graduate who will essentially be financially independent in the very near future (almost there now).
And I don't feel like Im ready to be there. I know I have friends and family who love me, but right now I just feel very alone. Its scary and exhilerating- and I do expect that once the novelty of the situation wears off I'll be in much better shape to appreciate the freedom of my individuality, but for right now I'm just scared. And lonely. Its not a physical loneliness- I have already made amazing friends here, my roommate is a great companion, I have so many people a phone call away- but a metaphysical loneliness.
It will pass. It always does. And its not overwhelming me or taking over my life- just sort of momentarily tempering my normally bubbly persona.
I wish I had the guts to really take things on full force and confront people on issues. I guess that's just not me.
:)
Or maybe it really just is this place. There's something about being on campus here that makes me become very introspective. Its a good thing- except when I start overanalyzing.
Like right now.
Today has been an emotional rollercoaster. Its been amazing seeing my old professors and catching up with them, seeing their excitement when I explain my plans for the coming years. Its been exhilerating (and somewhat nostalgic) to walk around campus, seeing places that meant something to me while I was here, and exploring new territory.
The smells are even the same. I can't really explain how smells affect me. Everything looks familiar, true, and I remember specific locations... but its not until Im walking down Gambrell hall and get a whiff of... well, Gambrell Hall, and I suddenly feel transported back to Freshman year. Chiles might be renovated, but the smells haven't changed. Johns Hall has the same effect on me- the smell of cleaner, mop solution and rat cages, if I close my eyes I can convince myself its fall of 2006 and Im on my way to Psych 22, dreading going back to my room and seeing Paula, waiting for my asshole boyfriend to call me back, and trying to plan a study schedule so I can make time for Homecoming festivities.
I guess its fitting that I end my undergraduate career here. I left so much emotional baggage behind when I transferred, never expecting to open it again, but now Im being forced to unpack, reorganize, and move on with my life. Its amazing how many people have commented on great I look- not necessary in a physical way, but in reference to my general persona. Its a Bethany no one here ever knew, I don't even know if I had remembered who she was. Im glad to be back, Im glad to be me. Its just hard having to face the shell of a person I was when I attended here.
Im excited for my summer work with Dr. P. We have some AMAZING opportunities coming up for the May Experience, and the research she has set up for the rest of my tenure here will be amazing. I just wish the administration could get its act together. As of now my Palacard does not swipe and let me into buildings, our furman usernames won't be activated until Wednesday at the earliest, which means Im stuck with only gaining wireless access in the parlors, and most upsetting- we aren't going to be given any sort of mailing address for the summer. Basically if I need something sent to me I have to get it sent c/o the Psych department. Let me tell you, that's going to get obnoxious really fast.
I don't handle idleness very well. Kat at least has been assigned readings and work with Dr. Hahn, but Dr.P and I wont meet until Wednesday morning for me to chose which project to work on. I know, I know, I really should just relax and appreciate the opportunity I've been given to relax. But there's so much on my mind right now, so much to process, that I would give anything to have psych articles to bury myself into.
I'm a college graduate. Im a college graduate who will essentially be financially independent in the very near future (almost there now).
And I don't feel like Im ready to be there. I know I have friends and family who love me, but right now I just feel very alone. Its scary and exhilerating- and I do expect that once the novelty of the situation wears off I'll be in much better shape to appreciate the freedom of my individuality, but for right now I'm just scared. And lonely. Its not a physical loneliness- I have already made amazing friends here, my roommate is a great companion, I have so many people a phone call away- but a metaphysical loneliness.
It will pass. It always does. And its not overwhelming me or taking over my life- just sort of momentarily tempering my normally bubbly persona.
I wish I had the guts to really take things on full force and confront people on issues. I guess that's just not me.
:)