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so, i am going to stop eating, it's final. no one likes someone my size, except for the loosers i've met. i think i am going to flake on chris, dont want to deal with being hurt again, been done wwwwwwwwwwwwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyy too many times. it's starting to get annoying and VERY old. i just think that humans should be a little more emotionally unattatched, so i could jsut go and fuck someone and not care. that's what i want to do, just fuck when i need to fuck, what's the point in all this courtship bullshit, i'm too young to get married, maybe i should jsut go back to the idea of getting a vibrator, i can name it billy and it can be my new boyfriend. it will be silver or black, and nice and sleek and discreat, and like yeah. i dont know what im saying or thinking anymore, my fingers are just going, im on the phone with chris but im not even talking to him, just listening to him. i want to flake, but im afraid that might hurt him or whatever, and i do want to see him, and josh and rissa, but still, i dont want to do it if it's just to get rejected again... maybe i should go back to watching webcams and stuff, and just talk stop talking to new people on-line and never fall for someone again, well at least not for a really long time, but i'm maureen, that'll never happen. i really miss my cousin, i wish we all lived close together, like 15-20 min away, and like see eachother and hang out like all the time. i cant believe there are 2 cousins and an uncle out there in florida that i dont even know. i've met david and christy like 2x that i remember and my uncle, i think his name is frank, i dont think he'd know who i am if i asked for molly and said it was maureen. i cant believe that molly has seperated herself from the family like this. i mean even if i didn't have the support system that i have, i would never detach myself like that, i think i might be madder at her than i thought. i thought i just felt sorry or whatever, but im mad, im mad too. i'm mad that she had to up and leave and im mad that she doesnt stay in touch, and im mad that she has wasted her brains. she's sooo smart, she was in the top three of her class in high school before she graduated, i cant believe she just ran off and got married like that. but i guess everyone deals how the deal. i figure that if i loose something like 2 pounds a week, i'll be happy, maybe i'll go on those asian herbs that make u shit a whole bunch. i dont like crushing on people, i think it's stupid and over-rated, but i seriously feel like i have no control over it. i miss the old chris, i wish i could go talk to him again, i wish i could kiss him, at least just one more time. i wish he could feel about me the way i felt about him. please god, snap me back to reality.