contiplations
do i make more of this then it really is. is this just all in my head, why a sudden low? such a big one? i mean yes, candie's words about attention whoring had a MAJOR affect on me, but i was already depressed. i haven't had a low like this in a LONG time. yes, i do get depressed, not like this though. not at all like this. my head just keeps spinning and spinning, different thoughts about every 5 seconds, back and forth, over and over, and over, and over. so tired, eyelids feel like 20 pounds, but can't sleep. my fingers just keep going and going and going. do i make more of this than it really is? i mean come on, i can get up if i wanted to, couldn't i? im hungry too, but affraid to eat, affraid of getting fat, i feel like going on a liquid diet again. never lasted more than a weekend with it though, ha, i'm weak. my heart is hurting so bad, i can feel it slowly breking piece by piece inside my chest. i need to love, i want to love, i just need to know when i start doing stuff, like get a job or something, i will be happier, it will give me a sense of accomplishment. i want to paint, i want to paint so much, if i had my own place that's what i'd do all night. paint painting after painting. i feel like going threw my old pictures and making the collage i was thinking about. i want to take the one of ian and write above it, the guy that pushed me away, and paste it on. or something like that. i am scared that i like girls too. i found myself checking out girls' asses at school one day last semester. it kind of freaked me out. i wish i could cry, i can't even do that. ahhhhhh, the best song ever. "passed out, on the over pass, sunday best and broken glass, broken down from the bikes and bars..., you and me were kings over the parkway tonight. and tonight will go on forever while walk around this town like we own the streets... i'm gonna stay 18 forever, so we can stay like this forever, and we're never miss a party, cuz we keep them going constantly, and we'll never have to listen to anyone about anything because it's all been done and it's all been said... i got 500 another 500 miles before we shut this engine down. i'm gonna stay 18 forever, so we can stay like this forever... 18 forever, you're just jealous because we're young and in love. you're just jealous cuz we're young and in love." wow, i cant even explain what this song does to me, all of these songs on here, candice, ur a musical genius.