JE/NewS- "Five Times NewS Members Save Massu from Recommen"
Title: Five Times NewS Members Save Massu from Recommen
Universe: JE/ NewS
Theme/Topic: What might have happened if other NewS members had been there with Massu that night.
Rating: PG-13
Character/Pairing/s: NewSxMassu (Yokoyama and Murakami cameos and mention of Matchy)
Warnings/Spoilers: Stupidity, OOC, me being too sensitive probably.
Word Count: 2,456
Summary: In response to the 2/21 Recommen with Massu as the guest- NewS members think picking on poor, defenseless Massu is the lowest of the low. It’s why they all pick on Shige instead.
Dedication: First for Ann- LOL I don’t know if it was your intent, but I think you probably saved me from liking K8 with the link to this translation. My wallet thanks you? Also for Nico- I know reading it hurt your heart, but cheer up friend! I’m sure someone messaged Massu afterwards to cheer him up. And finally, to Greg- your unbiased guy opinion on the matter warms my heart and makes me glad you are my friend. It also confirmed that I AM RIGHT. Special thanks to newshfan’s translations of the Heyx3 Matchy+Question talk and performance and the Heyx3 2005 NewS appearance with K8 that provided some canonical fodder for me to work with. XD
A/N: LOL Just some therapy, don’t pay any attention to me.
Disclaimer: No harm is meant by this!
1.
“So, Massu, are your mom’s boobs big?”
Shige chokes when he hears the question pop up out of nowhere like that; he blinks at Yokoyama in disbelief.
Massu looks just as lost as Shige feels; the older NewS member doesn’t answer right away, hoping that Yokoyama is just joking when he asks that.
As it turns out he’s not joking; Yokoyama just looks at Massu expectantly as he waits for an answer.
Massu promptly turns beet red. “I uh…” he trails off, laughing nervously, “Please don’t ask that, ne.”
Yoko grins; “C’mon, just say. It’s the only bad thing I’ll ask you tonight. Promise.”
Murakami nods. “Just tell him, he sounds like he really wants to know.”
Shige suddenly isn’t sure whether he’s glad to be here or not; he was actually supposed to go home and do some studying instead of come on Recommen with Massu tonight, but when Massu had told him he was going to be this week’s guest something had made Shige decide to accompany the older boy at the last moment. Shige thinks that the thought of two people like Yokoyama and Murakami being left alone in a room with someone like Massu had unnerved him instinctively; at the time, he hadn’t known why that was exactly.
He thinks he knows why now; he realizes belatedly that Massu left by himself with these two would be the equivalent of tying a newborn fawn’s back legs together and throwing it into a 10x10 room with a pair of starving wolves.
“C’mon, just say,” the two push, only confirming Shige’s analogy as they mercilessly corner Massu on air while they know his mother is listening.
Under the combined pressure of their gazes, Massu quickly, thoughtlessly blurts, “They’re small,” in a moment of sheer panic. “I think. I haven’t seen them,” he adds, lamely.
Shige nearly slaps a hand to his forehead.
But he doesn’t even have the chance to; Yokoyama picks that up and immediately starts to run with it. “Eh? Of course Masuda has seen his mom’s boobs. Be serious when you say stuff like that; she’s listening to you right now, you know.”
When Massu can speak again, his eyes are very big and his voice is very small. “What if my dad is listening too?”
Murakami grins. “Well, he’d know about this type of thing best, right?”
“Hey,” Yoko starts, suddenly inspired, “What about your sister?”
Massu pales slightly. “I don’t know…that’s not something I think about either.”
“Eh? Well, between your mom and your sister, whose are biggest?”
At this point, Massu looks on the verge of running out of the room in tears. “I haven’t seen them….”
“You should know either way, shouldn’t you?”
“Um…” Massu naturally turns to Shige for help. “Shige…”
Yokoyama cackles when he hears that, like it’s the most perfect set up ever. “Wait, are you asking Shige about this? Does he know if your sister’s boobs are bigger than your mom’s or not?”
“No!” Massu shouts, and quickly stops looking at Shige because that clearly had not helped him any. “I just…”
Shige sighs as Massu starts to flounder and dig himself even deeper; he thinks he’s had enough of this (and kind of hopes the audience has too, but he supposes you never know with this show).
For now he doesn’t mind playing the bad guy.
“Hold on,” he says, and raises his hands a little as he does, waving them in the air in front of him. He does this because he knows for a fact that moving objects (and shiny things and things that make farting noises and books with more pictures in them than words) are the types of things that are the most likely to draw Yokoyama and Murakami’s attention away from whatever it is they are currently fixated on. He doesn’t have anything shiny or any whoopee cushions or picture books on him right now, so he makes sure to wave his arms with a little more flair than he otherwise would to draw their gazes. “Can I say something about this?”
Success, the two hosts turn away from Massu to look at him. “Does that mean you do know whose are bigger, Shige?” Yoko marvels, with an evil glint in his eye. “Now that’s what I call member-ai.”
“It’s not that,” Shige says patiently, and plasters a small, fake smile on his face because as much as he doesn’t like the thought of someone picking on Massu-that whole baby fawn in a room full of wolves thing suddenly comes to mind again- he also doesn’t want to end up falling on his own sword by drawing Yokoyama’s attention to how uncomfortable he is right now too.
Because that would just be stupid.
And since Shige knows the only thing he has going for him here (in comparison to his present company anyway) is his intelligence, he uses it to his advantage.
“What is it, Shige? Because you know, we were just getting to the really good part of the interview,” Murakami reminds the younger boy, looking vaguely impatient.
From Murakami’s other side, Massu-red faced and sweating-looks at Shige through his bangs; his face conveys apology and relief and gratitude and an intense feeling of wanting to change the subject all at once.
Something about that expression makes Shige’s jaw clench instinctively. He takes a breath, rolls up his sleeves.
Smiles harder.
“I just want to ask a quick question to make sure I understand what’s going on here,” Shige begins amiably, sounding smart and impartial when he speaks. “And I’m sure the rest of the Tokyo listeners who, like me, aren’t quite sure we understand everything, wouldn’t mind some sort of clarification from the two of you either.”
The two K8 members blink. “Huh?”
“Well, because Yokoyama-kun has been asking these sorts of questions so naturally, I started to wonder… does Yokoyama-kun look at his mother’s chest a lot?” Shige asks, pleasantly. “I mean, do you look at it and study it and then compare it to say, your aunt? Or your grandmother? Is there some sort of scale for this kind of thing? Like an equation where you multiply size by age and then divide by body mass index to get a standardized measurement? Or is it completely arbitrary?”
A beat. Yoko blinks.
Shige looks more and more thoughtful as he keeps talking. “But then again, maybe it’s not scientific after all and I’m just missing something about the culture since I moved out of Osaka when I was little. Does Murakami-kun look at his mother’s boobs a lot too?”
“Sure he does,” Yoko confirms instinctively. “He looks at his mom’s chest all the time. I do too. Her chest is great.”
Murakami promptly slaps him.
And Shige laughs for the first time all night.
~~~~~
2.
When things start to get uncomfortable in the recording booth for he and Massu both given the sudden change of topic to Massu’s mother and sister, Tegoshi does the one and only thing he knows is capable of stopping anyone in their tracks, no matter how interested in boobs they might be at any one given moment.
He pouts.
Severely.
“Just tell us whose boobs are…”
Yokoyama blinks and trails off abruptly when he sees Tegoshi’s expression over Massu’s shoulder. “Tegoshi,” he starts worriedly, “Tegoshi, is something wrong?”
“Ah, he’s young!” Murakami remembers suddenly, and smacks Yoko upside the head in reprimand. “We shouldn’t talk about this kind of perverted thing in front of him. Ryo will get mad if he hears we did, won’t he?”
Yoko makes a face. “But Tegoshi’s already twenty! He’s a man now!” he complains. “Tegoshi! Tegoshi, does talking about boobs bore you? That’s not good for someone your age, you know. If people hear that kind of rumor about you they’ll think you’re…well, you know. Like that. That way.” He makes a side-to-side motion with his palm. “Like that.”
Tegoshi blinks cutely at Yoko and makes it look like the older man’s meaning has completely sailed over his pretty little head. “Eh? No I’m not bored! I’m just tired from work ne. I had filming all day today and I wasn’t supposed to be on the show, but when Massu said he was going to see you both, I called home and said I would be back late because I wanted to come and hear Yokoyama-kun’s funny jokes in person,” he explains sweetly. “It always cheers me up, and I haven’t seen either of you in a really long time!”
Something in Yokoyama melts a little when he hears that; he promptly forgets Massu is even in the room with them at all. “Oh, really?”
Tegoshi nods, and looks up shyly through his lashes at his senpai like he’s a girl making a confession to a guy she likes. “Un. Even when I’m really tired like this, hearing Yokoyama-kun’s jokes somehow makes me feel energized, ne.”
“Oi, what about me?” Murakami complains, waving to get Tegoshi’s attention. “He’s nothing without me, you know. You wanted to see me too, right Tegoshi?”
Tegoshi laughs, turning to gaze sweetly at Murakami as well. “Of course! I like it when Murakami-kun hits Yokoyama-kun, ne. I think it’s funny. The funniest!”
Under the power of that smile, Murakami feels something inside of him melt a little too.
He promptly reaches out and slaps Yokoyama.
It may or may not be a little harder than usual. “Like that?”
“Hey,” Yokoyama complains, rubbing his face. “What was that…”
But he’s cut off by an impossibly bright giggle; “Right! Just like that!” Tegoshi chirps, and glows up at both of them adorably, all bright laughter and loving smiles at their antics.
Murakami reaches out and hits Yoko again instinctively, just because.
“Ow.”
Yokoyama gets hit a lot for the rest of the night.
Which is just fine; Tegoshi thinks he much prefers Yokoyama’s slightly swollen face to Massu’s panicky one.
It’s definitely funnier to him.
~~~~~
3.
“IF SHIGE WAS A GIRL HE’D BE A D CUP!!” Koyama blurts suddenly, voice high pitched and horrible. It’s all he can think of to say.
What follows is a moment of silence, in which everyone in the room realizes what, exactly, Koyama is saying.
And then, they all stop asking about Massu’s sister and turn to stare at him. Even Massu.
Koyama laughs nervously and keeps on talking like nothing’s the matter, because that’s what he’s good at. It’s all he has to offer his bandmate right now, and chances are Shige probably isn’t listening anyway. Maybe. Hopefully.
“Haha… I mean… don’t you think? Somehow I feel that Shige would be a very good looking girl,” he squeaks.
Yokoyama senses something ridiculous afoot and naturally latches onto it. “So…let me get this straight. Are you telling me that you’ve thought about this kind of thing before?”
“Fantasized about your groupmates if they were girls?” Murakami clarifies, for the audience’s sake.
In the background, Massu sighs in relief, though he does look a little boggled by Koyama’s random choice of subject changes.
“Yes!” Koyama manages, only sounding a little mortified as he keeps pushing forward. “Um, all the time.”
“That’s…kind of weird,” the hosts murmur. “But intriguing.”
Yokoyama leers and leans forward when a thought suddenly strikes him. “What size do you think Tegoshi’s would be? I mean, not that it matters; if he were a girl I think I’d do him even if he was an A cup.”
Koyama turns red. “Ahahaha… um… maybe a B?”
A thumbs up. “Even better.”
“Ooh, how about Yamapi? He’d have an enormous chest if he were a girl; his guy chest is already pretty big!”
“Ahahaha yeah! He’d be a double E or something. That’d be hot.”
“Maybe even double Zs!”
“Eh? Does that even exist?”
“I’m sure it does! Like in anime or something. Like in hentai, right?”
“Oh, I see what you’re saying, I get it now. That’s definitely right. Double Zs!”
Koyama buries his face into his hands as the conversation only continues to devolve from there; within moments the two Kanjani 8 members start a furious debate between themselves regarding what types of sexy bras Yamapi would wear if he had double Z boobs.
The oldest NewS member silently prays that his bandmates will forgive him for speaking without thinking (and all of the gender-switch doujinshi it will inevitably spawn) later.
This, he thinks, is why he tries not to go anywhere without Shige.
~~~~~
4.
Somewhere in between talking about Massu’s mother’s bras and his sister’s chest size, Ryo phones onto the show sounding irritated.
“Please stop making enemies of Tokyo for us,” he tells his older bandmates flatly. “This is why our senpai don’t invite you guys to any of the company dinner parties!”
Murakami hears this and promptly slaps Yokoyama. “I knew that was all your fault.”
Pause.
“Wait… what do you mean you guys don’t get invited?! Do you go?!” he demands into the microphone, and turns to Massu for confirmation. “Does Ryo get to go!?”
Massu blinks, laughs helplessly. “Haha… yes? He always goes with the rest of us.”
On the other end of the line, Ryo cackles. “Of course I do. I’m a fashionable Tokyo boy, after all.” They can practically hear his smirk over the phone.
And then he hangs up without any further explanation.
Massu spends the rest of the show explaining exactly what they all do at those company dinner parties and how much fun they are.
It’s a little bit trying when Yokoyama and Murakami keep smacking him whenever he talks about how delicious the food always is, but given the alternative topics they could be talking about right now, Massu thinks this is definitely more up his alley.
“Oh, I know!” he starts, when he gets a brilliant idea, “How about the next time we have a party like that, I save you two some of the leftover food, ne! Then you can try it for yourselves.”
“That sounds great!” Yokoyama replies automatically.
Murakami smacks both of them for that and desperately tries to tell Matchy over the airwaves that Yokoyama is the only one in Kanjani 8 who doesn’t have to be invited to the jimusho parties from now on. “The rest of us are really nice guys!” he insists.
Massu doesn’t have the heart to tell him that Matchy probably isn’t listening.
~~~~~
5.
When Yamapi offers to join Massu so that the pair of them can be this week’s Recommen guests together, Yokoyama and Murakami decide that given the circumstances, it is probably best to not say anything offensive about anyone’s mother or sister that night.
Because they both instinctively know that Yamapi has the power to single-handedly end their careers.
END
DONE IN A RUSH OF PASSION. EDITS PLZ.
EDIT: Because I'm too lazy to respond individually...
LOL Fiction guys. FICTION. Not real, never happened, it's why we have a warning header up top. Also, I appreciate that other people's opinions differ from mine but being angry and indignant and calling names definitely isn't going to change anyone's outlook so much as make them feel more justified in it, I think. So it's probably for the best that you just respect that there are various interpretations of the things that happen in this world and that just because someone disagrees with you it doesn't make them a horrible (or stupid) person. Agreeing to disagree is so much simpler, isn't it? Also, I totally abide by the age old fanfiction golden rule that says if you don't like it, then just don't read it. Or if you do choose to read it knowing that you won't like it, I feel like you should be aware that it is something you ultimately brought onto yourself. When we write we never force anyone to read. ^_^
Universe: JE/ NewS
Theme/Topic: What might have happened if other NewS members had been there with Massu that night.
Rating: PG-13
Character/Pairing/s: NewSxMassu (Yokoyama and Murakami cameos and mention of Matchy)
Warnings/Spoilers: Stupidity, OOC, me being too sensitive probably.
Word Count: 2,456
Summary: In response to the 2/21 Recommen with Massu as the guest- NewS members think picking on poor, defenseless Massu is the lowest of the low. It’s why they all pick on Shige instead.
Dedication: First for Ann- LOL I don’t know if it was your intent, but I think you probably saved me from liking K8 with the link to this translation. My wallet thanks you? Also for Nico- I know reading it hurt your heart, but cheer up friend! I’m sure someone messaged Massu afterwards to cheer him up. And finally, to Greg- your unbiased guy opinion on the matter warms my heart and makes me glad you are my friend. It also confirmed that I AM RIGHT. Special thanks to newshfan’s translations of the Heyx3 Matchy+Question talk and performance and the Heyx3 2005 NewS appearance with K8 that provided some canonical fodder for me to work with. XD
A/N: LOL Just some therapy, don’t pay any attention to me.
Disclaimer: No harm is meant by this!
1.
“So, Massu, are your mom’s boobs big?”
Shige chokes when he hears the question pop up out of nowhere like that; he blinks at Yokoyama in disbelief.
Massu looks just as lost as Shige feels; the older NewS member doesn’t answer right away, hoping that Yokoyama is just joking when he asks that.
As it turns out he’s not joking; Yokoyama just looks at Massu expectantly as he waits for an answer.
Massu promptly turns beet red. “I uh…” he trails off, laughing nervously, “Please don’t ask that, ne.”
Yoko grins; “C’mon, just say. It’s the only bad thing I’ll ask you tonight. Promise.”
Murakami nods. “Just tell him, he sounds like he really wants to know.”
Shige suddenly isn’t sure whether he’s glad to be here or not; he was actually supposed to go home and do some studying instead of come on Recommen with Massu tonight, but when Massu had told him he was going to be this week’s guest something had made Shige decide to accompany the older boy at the last moment. Shige thinks that the thought of two people like Yokoyama and Murakami being left alone in a room with someone like Massu had unnerved him instinctively; at the time, he hadn’t known why that was exactly.
He thinks he knows why now; he realizes belatedly that Massu left by himself with these two would be the equivalent of tying a newborn fawn’s back legs together and throwing it into a 10x10 room with a pair of starving wolves.
“C’mon, just say,” the two push, only confirming Shige’s analogy as they mercilessly corner Massu on air while they know his mother is listening.
Under the combined pressure of their gazes, Massu quickly, thoughtlessly blurts, “They’re small,” in a moment of sheer panic. “I think. I haven’t seen them,” he adds, lamely.
Shige nearly slaps a hand to his forehead.
But he doesn’t even have the chance to; Yokoyama picks that up and immediately starts to run with it. “Eh? Of course Masuda has seen his mom’s boobs. Be serious when you say stuff like that; she’s listening to you right now, you know.”
When Massu can speak again, his eyes are very big and his voice is very small. “What if my dad is listening too?”
Murakami grins. “Well, he’d know about this type of thing best, right?”
“Hey,” Yoko starts, suddenly inspired, “What about your sister?”
Massu pales slightly. “I don’t know…that’s not something I think about either.”
“Eh? Well, between your mom and your sister, whose are biggest?”
At this point, Massu looks on the verge of running out of the room in tears. “I haven’t seen them….”
“You should know either way, shouldn’t you?”
“Um…” Massu naturally turns to Shige for help. “Shige…”
Yokoyama cackles when he hears that, like it’s the most perfect set up ever. “Wait, are you asking Shige about this? Does he know if your sister’s boobs are bigger than your mom’s or not?”
“No!” Massu shouts, and quickly stops looking at Shige because that clearly had not helped him any. “I just…”
Shige sighs as Massu starts to flounder and dig himself even deeper; he thinks he’s had enough of this (and kind of hopes the audience has too, but he supposes you never know with this show).
For now he doesn’t mind playing the bad guy.
“Hold on,” he says, and raises his hands a little as he does, waving them in the air in front of him. He does this because he knows for a fact that moving objects (and shiny things and things that make farting noises and books with more pictures in them than words) are the types of things that are the most likely to draw Yokoyama and Murakami’s attention away from whatever it is they are currently fixated on. He doesn’t have anything shiny or any whoopee cushions or picture books on him right now, so he makes sure to wave his arms with a little more flair than he otherwise would to draw their gazes. “Can I say something about this?”
Success, the two hosts turn away from Massu to look at him. “Does that mean you do know whose are bigger, Shige?” Yoko marvels, with an evil glint in his eye. “Now that’s what I call member-ai.”
“It’s not that,” Shige says patiently, and plasters a small, fake smile on his face because as much as he doesn’t like the thought of someone picking on Massu-that whole baby fawn in a room full of wolves thing suddenly comes to mind again- he also doesn’t want to end up falling on his own sword by drawing Yokoyama’s attention to how uncomfortable he is right now too.
Because that would just be stupid.
And since Shige knows the only thing he has going for him here (in comparison to his present company anyway) is his intelligence, he uses it to his advantage.
“What is it, Shige? Because you know, we were just getting to the really good part of the interview,” Murakami reminds the younger boy, looking vaguely impatient.
From Murakami’s other side, Massu-red faced and sweating-looks at Shige through his bangs; his face conveys apology and relief and gratitude and an intense feeling of wanting to change the subject all at once.
Something about that expression makes Shige’s jaw clench instinctively. He takes a breath, rolls up his sleeves.
Smiles harder.
“I just want to ask a quick question to make sure I understand what’s going on here,” Shige begins amiably, sounding smart and impartial when he speaks. “And I’m sure the rest of the Tokyo listeners who, like me, aren’t quite sure we understand everything, wouldn’t mind some sort of clarification from the two of you either.”
The two K8 members blink. “Huh?”
“Well, because Yokoyama-kun has been asking these sorts of questions so naturally, I started to wonder… does Yokoyama-kun look at his mother’s chest a lot?” Shige asks, pleasantly. “I mean, do you look at it and study it and then compare it to say, your aunt? Or your grandmother? Is there some sort of scale for this kind of thing? Like an equation where you multiply size by age and then divide by body mass index to get a standardized measurement? Or is it completely arbitrary?”
A beat. Yoko blinks.
Shige looks more and more thoughtful as he keeps talking. “But then again, maybe it’s not scientific after all and I’m just missing something about the culture since I moved out of Osaka when I was little. Does Murakami-kun look at his mother’s boobs a lot too?”
“Sure he does,” Yoko confirms instinctively. “He looks at his mom’s chest all the time. I do too. Her chest is great.”
Murakami promptly slaps him.
And Shige laughs for the first time all night.
~~~~~
2.
When things start to get uncomfortable in the recording booth for he and Massu both given the sudden change of topic to Massu’s mother and sister, Tegoshi does the one and only thing he knows is capable of stopping anyone in their tracks, no matter how interested in boobs they might be at any one given moment.
He pouts.
Severely.
“Just tell us whose boobs are…”
Yokoyama blinks and trails off abruptly when he sees Tegoshi’s expression over Massu’s shoulder. “Tegoshi,” he starts worriedly, “Tegoshi, is something wrong?”
“Ah, he’s young!” Murakami remembers suddenly, and smacks Yoko upside the head in reprimand. “We shouldn’t talk about this kind of perverted thing in front of him. Ryo will get mad if he hears we did, won’t he?”
Yoko makes a face. “But Tegoshi’s already twenty! He’s a man now!” he complains. “Tegoshi! Tegoshi, does talking about boobs bore you? That’s not good for someone your age, you know. If people hear that kind of rumor about you they’ll think you’re…well, you know. Like that. That way.” He makes a side-to-side motion with his palm. “Like that.”
Tegoshi blinks cutely at Yoko and makes it look like the older man’s meaning has completely sailed over his pretty little head. “Eh? No I’m not bored! I’m just tired from work ne. I had filming all day today and I wasn’t supposed to be on the show, but when Massu said he was going to see you both, I called home and said I would be back late because I wanted to come and hear Yokoyama-kun’s funny jokes in person,” he explains sweetly. “It always cheers me up, and I haven’t seen either of you in a really long time!”
Something in Yokoyama melts a little when he hears that; he promptly forgets Massu is even in the room with them at all. “Oh, really?”
Tegoshi nods, and looks up shyly through his lashes at his senpai like he’s a girl making a confession to a guy she likes. “Un. Even when I’m really tired like this, hearing Yokoyama-kun’s jokes somehow makes me feel energized, ne.”
“Oi, what about me?” Murakami complains, waving to get Tegoshi’s attention. “He’s nothing without me, you know. You wanted to see me too, right Tegoshi?”
Tegoshi laughs, turning to gaze sweetly at Murakami as well. “Of course! I like it when Murakami-kun hits Yokoyama-kun, ne. I think it’s funny. The funniest!”
Under the power of that smile, Murakami feels something inside of him melt a little too.
He promptly reaches out and slaps Yokoyama.
It may or may not be a little harder than usual. “Like that?”
“Hey,” Yokoyama complains, rubbing his face. “What was that…”
But he’s cut off by an impossibly bright giggle; “Right! Just like that!” Tegoshi chirps, and glows up at both of them adorably, all bright laughter and loving smiles at their antics.
Murakami reaches out and hits Yoko again instinctively, just because.
“Ow.”
Yokoyama gets hit a lot for the rest of the night.
Which is just fine; Tegoshi thinks he much prefers Yokoyama’s slightly swollen face to Massu’s panicky one.
It’s definitely funnier to him.
~~~~~
3.
“IF SHIGE WAS A GIRL HE’D BE A D CUP!!” Koyama blurts suddenly, voice high pitched and horrible. It’s all he can think of to say.
What follows is a moment of silence, in which everyone in the room realizes what, exactly, Koyama is saying.
And then, they all stop asking about Massu’s sister and turn to stare at him. Even Massu.
Koyama laughs nervously and keeps on talking like nothing’s the matter, because that’s what he’s good at. It’s all he has to offer his bandmate right now, and chances are Shige probably isn’t listening anyway. Maybe. Hopefully.
“Haha… I mean… don’t you think? Somehow I feel that Shige would be a very good looking girl,” he squeaks.
Yokoyama senses something ridiculous afoot and naturally latches onto it. “So…let me get this straight. Are you telling me that you’ve thought about this kind of thing before?”
“Fantasized about your groupmates if they were girls?” Murakami clarifies, for the audience’s sake.
In the background, Massu sighs in relief, though he does look a little boggled by Koyama’s random choice of subject changes.
“Yes!” Koyama manages, only sounding a little mortified as he keeps pushing forward. “Um, all the time.”
“That’s…kind of weird,” the hosts murmur. “But intriguing.”
Yokoyama leers and leans forward when a thought suddenly strikes him. “What size do you think Tegoshi’s would be? I mean, not that it matters; if he were a girl I think I’d do him even if he was an A cup.”
Koyama turns red. “Ahahaha… um… maybe a B?”
A thumbs up. “Even better.”
“Ooh, how about Yamapi? He’d have an enormous chest if he were a girl; his guy chest is already pretty big!”
“Ahahaha yeah! He’d be a double E or something. That’d be hot.”
“Maybe even double Zs!”
“Eh? Does that even exist?”
“I’m sure it does! Like in anime or something. Like in hentai, right?”
“Oh, I see what you’re saying, I get it now. That’s definitely right. Double Zs!”
Koyama buries his face into his hands as the conversation only continues to devolve from there; within moments the two Kanjani 8 members start a furious debate between themselves regarding what types of sexy bras Yamapi would wear if he had double Z boobs.
The oldest NewS member silently prays that his bandmates will forgive him for speaking without thinking (and all of the gender-switch doujinshi it will inevitably spawn) later.
This, he thinks, is why he tries not to go anywhere without Shige.
~~~~~
4.
Somewhere in between talking about Massu’s mother’s bras and his sister’s chest size, Ryo phones onto the show sounding irritated.
“Please stop making enemies of Tokyo for us,” he tells his older bandmates flatly. “This is why our senpai don’t invite you guys to any of the company dinner parties!”
Murakami hears this and promptly slaps Yokoyama. “I knew that was all your fault.”
Pause.
“Wait… what do you mean you guys don’t get invited?! Do you go?!” he demands into the microphone, and turns to Massu for confirmation. “Does Ryo get to go!?”
Massu blinks, laughs helplessly. “Haha… yes? He always goes with the rest of us.”
On the other end of the line, Ryo cackles. “Of course I do. I’m a fashionable Tokyo boy, after all.” They can practically hear his smirk over the phone.
And then he hangs up without any further explanation.
Massu spends the rest of the show explaining exactly what they all do at those company dinner parties and how much fun they are.
It’s a little bit trying when Yokoyama and Murakami keep smacking him whenever he talks about how delicious the food always is, but given the alternative topics they could be talking about right now, Massu thinks this is definitely more up his alley.
“Oh, I know!” he starts, when he gets a brilliant idea, “How about the next time we have a party like that, I save you two some of the leftover food, ne! Then you can try it for yourselves.”
“That sounds great!” Yokoyama replies automatically.
Murakami smacks both of them for that and desperately tries to tell Matchy over the airwaves that Yokoyama is the only one in Kanjani 8 who doesn’t have to be invited to the jimusho parties from now on. “The rest of us are really nice guys!” he insists.
Massu doesn’t have the heart to tell him that Matchy probably isn’t listening.
~~~~~
5.
When Yamapi offers to join Massu so that the pair of them can be this week’s Recommen guests together, Yokoyama and Murakami decide that given the circumstances, it is probably best to not say anything offensive about anyone’s mother or sister that night.
Because they both instinctively know that Yamapi has the power to single-handedly end their careers.
END
DONE IN A RUSH OF PASSION. EDITS PLZ.
EDIT: Because I'm too lazy to respond individually...
LOL Fiction guys. FICTION. Not real, never happened, it's why we have a warning header up top. Also, I appreciate that other people's opinions differ from mine but being angry and indignant and calling names definitely isn't going to change anyone's outlook so much as make them feel more justified in it, I think. So it's probably for the best that you just respect that there are various interpretations of the things that happen in this world and that just because someone disagrees with you it doesn't make them a horrible (or stupid) person. Agreeing to disagree is so much simpler, isn't it? Also, I totally abide by the age old fanfiction golden rule that says if you don't like it, then just don't read it. Or if you do choose to read it knowing that you won't like it, I feel like you should be aware that it is something you ultimately brought onto yourself. When we write we never force anyone to read. ^_^