JE/NewS-"Five Ways NewS Members Convince Johnny to Let Kusano and Uchi Rejoin NewS"
God I'm stupid.
Title: Five Ways NewS Members Convince Johnny to Let Kusano and Uchi Rejoin NewS
Universe: JE/NewS
Theme/Topic: N/A
Rating: PG-13
Character/Pairing/s: NewS
Warnings/Spoilers: Crack? OOC? Stupidity? THESE PEOPLE REALLY EXIST OH GOD.
Word Count: 2,024
Summary: NewS finds ways to fight for Uchi and Kusano.
Dedication: Joanne, who I got all excited about Kusano’s return only to hear that MAYBE IT WON’T HAPPEN. I’m sorry!
A/N: Yes, I reference one of my own fics here. Yes, I was that strapped for ideas. I’M SORRY, OKAY? Just. Sandwiches are delicious. That is all.
Disclaimer: Not mine, though I wish constantly.
Distribution: Just lemme know.
1. Repent for a Thousand Years
“This doesn’t make any sense,” Ryo states, of Johnny’s re-debut plan. “If you give them their own group, it will be like they’re getting rewarded for the drinking thing.”
Johnny does not follow (“You, I don’t understand.”). But Ryo just figures that that’s natural; he’s long ago discovered that he’s the only one with any real brains in this stupid company anyway. Plus it doesn’t help that at this point, Johnny is probably so senile and decrepit and gross that he thinks of the juniors as magical gold-farming leprechauns who help sell rainbow marshmallow cereals to children on Saturday morning cartoons or something.
God, Ryo thinks to himself, if he ever gets that old and disgusting he hopes that someone will take pity on him and shoot him.
“Look,” Ryo says, as he feels himself starting to lose patience, “They debuted once already. They got the fangirls. Then they get caught drinking, get TWO YEARS of vacation for it, and in the interim, earn the pity of all those fangirls who like them. Then they come back, get to re-debut with tons of hype and advertising and news and shit-because it’s a big deal to debut- and did it ever occur to you that if there’s only two of them in their stupid group, it means they’ll both get tons of solos?”
Johnny seems to be considering this, so Ryo pushes ahead.
“If you do it like this, more of the juniors are going to booze up just so they won’t have to split the solos eight ways anymore. It’s like a two year investment plan. If you really want to punish those two idiots, make them sing backup harmony to Koyama and Shige for the rest of their lives. That’ll make them really sorry.”
Johnny looks thoughtful.
Ten minutes later, Ryo leaves the office. He’s smirking.
With good reason too- he is so much smarter than the rest of the world.
2. Self-Sacrifice
When he hears the news Koyama immediately runs screaming to his group’s practice room, sending the otherwise pleasant space into complete and utter panic. He is so jittery Ryo has to hit him over the head with a couch cushion a few times before he can speak at a speed audible to human ears, and even after that, his rapid-fire shaking still makes it hard to understand exactly what it is he is saying.
“T-t-tegoshi went!” Koyama manages, after Ryo has hit him five of six times, “This morning he went!” Then he breaks down again.
Everyone stares. “Eh?!”
Massu blinks, clearly confused. “Went where?”
But Ryo already knows, because he instinctively feels sick. The look on Koyama’s face only confirms it.
He swallows, takes a deep breath. “Do you mean that he went to…the office?” he asks, just to be sure.
Koyama nods and the air in the room goes still when everyone realizes what has happened.
It seems that Tegoshi has gone to Johnny’s office.
Alone.
To ask for a favor; they all know which one.
No one knows what to do after that. They end up sitting around the room all depressed-like, waiting instead of the completing the dance rehearsals they’re supposed to run through today.
They all think that every minute they’re there feels like torture-what is Tesshi going through all by himself right now? Is he okay? What a brave kid.
Three hours later, Tegoshi finally wobbles back into the practice room; his face is flushed and his voice is hoarse. He looks a mess.
Everyone immediately rushes to his side, and he quickly wipes his eyes with the backs of his hands because he doesn’t like it when his groupmates see him crying.
“Tegoshi!” Koyama wails, and hugs him tightly. “Tegoshi, I’m sorry! It should have been me!”
“Are you okay?” Massu asks, tentatively. He reaches out and squeezes Tegoshi’s hand.
The younger boy offers them a watery smile. “I did it,” he tells them, quietly first. Then louder, “I did it! It was embarrassing, but Johnny-san said Notti and Hiro can come back.”
Everyone is happy to hear that. Of course they are.
But still. The price is too high, isn’t it?
“Tegoshi,” Yamapi begins, “Are you… I mean…” he trails off, blushing, and makes a vague, circular gesture with one of his hands.
“Does it hurt to sit?” Koyama asks instead, and saves Yamapi from saying something awkward. “Should I get you a cushion?”
Tegoshi blinks. “E-eh? Hurt to sit? Is…is it supposed to?”
Silence.
“It doesn’t… I mean… no?” Koyama manages, nervously. His face is red.
Tegoshi is confused. “I don’t think it does… why would it?”
“Er…” everyone says.
Everyone except for Ryo, who is starting to lose patience with the others’ pussyfooting around. This is important information, after all. Why are they wasting time? He elbows Koyama aside and clasps Tegoshi’s shoulder. “Did you get ass raped or what?” he asks the younger boy, as gently as he knows how.
Tegoshi’s eyes get impossibly large-“What? Me? I… NO!”
Shige frowns. “Then…how did you manage to get Johnny to agree? You were in his office for three hours!”
“Don’t tell me…” Ryo begins.
Tegoshi nods reluctantly.
Everyone winces-sometimes that is worse. Koyama silently moves to fetch mouthwash.
But before he can:
“It’s exactly like you guys think,” Tegoshi confesses, and fidgets in embarrassment, “I sat in there for all that time and I…”
Everyone holds their breaths.
“…cried.”
Silence.
“You cried and…” Shige prompts.
“Cried,” Tegoshi says, again.
Again, nothing. Maybe a few crickets chirp.
Tegoshi pouts when no one has anything to say. “I cried like a girl! For three hours! It was really embarrassing!!”
Everyone looks at him for a while. Then they stand-one-by-one- and leave the room without a word.
Tegoshi blinks and wonders where they’re all going; don’t they still have to practice?
3. Tried and True
Massu makes a sandwich and presents it to Johnny one afternoon-it has around three pounds of meat in it. Ryo wishes that food wasn’t Masuda’s answer to all the world’s problems.
But then, two days later, the jimusho makes an announcement saying that Uchi and Kusano will be back with NewS in three months.
No one can quite believe their ears when they hear this. They all stare at Massu.
“What did you put in that sandwich, cocaine?” Ryo demands.
Massu just smiles. “The trick,” he begins, happily, “was that this time, I didn’t eat the sandwich myself first. That’s how much I want Kusano and Uchi to come back!”
And right now, even Ryo is in too good a mood to say anything to him about how retarded he is.
4. Common Sense
“I’ve made a chart,” Shige explains, as he sets his carefully drawn-up presentation on the stand.
“It’s color-coded,” Koyama adds, nervously. “I helped color it. With markers.”
Shige sighs, ignores his older friend, and pulls out one of those neat metal pointers professors use during lectures at his university.
Johnny watches intently from his desk while Koyama offers moral support and the occasional awkward laugh from beside Shige.
“As you can see from this list I have drawn up,” Shige begins, “all of the possible acronyms you can make with Kusano and Uchi’s initials- or with any of the first or last syllables of their names for that matter- are very stupid. In the case of something like H2, it is already copyrighted. The fact that Uchi’s last name begins with a vowel sound also makes it difficult to mash them into something like TegoMasu. Therefore, all evidence suggests that the two of them can’t possibly be a new group on their own if they want to have a marketable name that is not something dumb like Hiro KiNori or Usano.”
Johnny of course, agrees with them wholeheartedly by the time Shige is done-acronyms are very important to the life of JE, after all.
5. Far-Reaching Influence
One evening, Yamapi writes in his blog:
“When those who have the ability to make everyone happy choose not to do it, it is kind of disheartening, ne? Unfortunately I think there are lots of instances of this type of behavior through history-some people are too selfish! If it were me, I would always try my best to make everyone happy. That’s one of the most precious things in this life, isn’t it? If one person makes another person smile, then isn’t that person who is now smiling going to want to make someone else smile along with them as well? It is like a chain, ne?
If you have the ability to do this, wouldn’t you do it right away? Fortunately, I think everyone in NewS has this kind of heart-we are all the types of people who want to share a smile with the world, ne? I am lucky enough to have nakama like these to see almost every day! But sometimes I think that it is because of this that, on the days when I see people who are mean-spirited, it makes things worse! Because I know in my heart: “Ah, the world can have such warmth in it!” So when I see someone who is not willing to share that simple kindness, it is extremely depressing, ne? The most depressing! Why take the effort to break a person’s heart?
Ah, but that’s enough, right? I’ll do everything I can to be positive and share the happy things with people; I’m sure you all have worries of your own!
Yosh! The good things about today, ne?
After I finished my report, the six of us went and saw Kusano and Uchi’s stage play! It was very good. There is a powerful feeling conveyed in their faces when they are performing-I think everyone cried along with them, ne?
Then afterwards, we went to eat all you can eat BBQ! It was delicious, and to have everyone together like that around the table had a strong feeling of family, ne? We all came out smelling like meat afterwards… it was very satisfying and very embarrassing at once. I think if the fans had seen us then and smelled us, some would not agree that we were being the way idols are supposed to be. But majide, I feel that we smelled really delicious!!
Then we went to karaoke for a while-it really felt like old times, ne? It was very powerful!
To be like that definitely improved my mood from earlier-that is what I mean by sharing a smile and passing it on! NewS is that kind of family, ne?
Yosh, I will do my best to do that every day! Please do your best as well! This way is the way to changing the world.
Let’s make tomorrow a happy day for everyone!”
After that entry is posted there is a huge surge of support for Kusano and Uchi’s return in the forms of letters, e-mails, and petitions-even those who are not the pair’s particular fans feel the need to write in, asking Johnny to “please do everything in your power to make everyone happy.”
Soon after, the jimusho can’t help but give in under the onslaught; they announce that Kusano and Uchi will return to NewS at the end of September, and everyone marvels at the power Yamapi has with the fans.
“Eh?” Yamapi says, when they all praise him for his moving words (he of course, has no idea what they’re talking about). So he just responds like he always does: “Ah, I just try my best!” and pumps his fist.
“Yamapi is so cool!” the others cheer.
No one but Ryo knows that that retarded entry was actually about one of Yamapi’s classmates refusing to meet with everyone to work on their group project during the weekend.
But whatever works, works, right?
In the meantime, Ryo thinks that if this is the kind of big response some random blog entry from a mildly-talented idol can get, the next time he posts on his nikki, he is going to ask the world for an iPod.
END
EDITS PLZ.
Title: Five Ways NewS Members Convince Johnny to Let Kusano and Uchi Rejoin NewS
Universe: JE/NewS
Theme/Topic: N/A
Rating: PG-13
Character/Pairing/s: NewS
Warnings/Spoilers: Crack? OOC? Stupidity? THESE PEOPLE REALLY EXIST OH GOD.
Word Count: 2,024
Summary: NewS finds ways to fight for Uchi and Kusano.
Dedication: Joanne, who I got all excited about Kusano’s return only to hear that MAYBE IT WON’T HAPPEN. I’m sorry!
A/N: Yes, I reference one of my own fics here. Yes, I was that strapped for ideas. I’M SORRY, OKAY? Just. Sandwiches are delicious. That is all.
Disclaimer: Not mine, though I wish constantly.
Distribution: Just lemme know.
1. Repent for a Thousand Years
“This doesn’t make any sense,” Ryo states, of Johnny’s re-debut plan. “If you give them their own group, it will be like they’re getting rewarded for the drinking thing.”
Johnny does not follow (“You, I don’t understand.”). But Ryo just figures that that’s natural; he’s long ago discovered that he’s the only one with any real brains in this stupid company anyway. Plus it doesn’t help that at this point, Johnny is probably so senile and decrepit and gross that he thinks of the juniors as magical gold-farming leprechauns who help sell rainbow marshmallow cereals to children on Saturday morning cartoons or something.
God, Ryo thinks to himself, if he ever gets that old and disgusting he hopes that someone will take pity on him and shoot him.
“Look,” Ryo says, as he feels himself starting to lose patience, “They debuted once already. They got the fangirls. Then they get caught drinking, get TWO YEARS of vacation for it, and in the interim, earn the pity of all those fangirls who like them. Then they come back, get to re-debut with tons of hype and advertising and news and shit-because it’s a big deal to debut- and did it ever occur to you that if there’s only two of them in their stupid group, it means they’ll both get tons of solos?”
Johnny seems to be considering this, so Ryo pushes ahead.
“If you do it like this, more of the juniors are going to booze up just so they won’t have to split the solos eight ways anymore. It’s like a two year investment plan. If you really want to punish those two idiots, make them sing backup harmony to Koyama and Shige for the rest of their lives. That’ll make them really sorry.”
Johnny looks thoughtful.
Ten minutes later, Ryo leaves the office. He’s smirking.
With good reason too- he is so much smarter than the rest of the world.
2. Self-Sacrifice
When he hears the news Koyama immediately runs screaming to his group’s practice room, sending the otherwise pleasant space into complete and utter panic. He is so jittery Ryo has to hit him over the head with a couch cushion a few times before he can speak at a speed audible to human ears, and even after that, his rapid-fire shaking still makes it hard to understand exactly what it is he is saying.
“T-t-tegoshi went!” Koyama manages, after Ryo has hit him five of six times, “This morning he went!” Then he breaks down again.
Everyone stares. “Eh?!”
Massu blinks, clearly confused. “Went where?”
But Ryo already knows, because he instinctively feels sick. The look on Koyama’s face only confirms it.
He swallows, takes a deep breath. “Do you mean that he went to…the office?” he asks, just to be sure.
Koyama nods and the air in the room goes still when everyone realizes what has happened.
It seems that Tegoshi has gone to Johnny’s office.
Alone.
To ask for a favor; they all know which one.
No one knows what to do after that. They end up sitting around the room all depressed-like, waiting instead of the completing the dance rehearsals they’re supposed to run through today.
They all think that every minute they’re there feels like torture-what is Tesshi going through all by himself right now? Is he okay? What a brave kid.
Three hours later, Tegoshi finally wobbles back into the practice room; his face is flushed and his voice is hoarse. He looks a mess.
Everyone immediately rushes to his side, and he quickly wipes his eyes with the backs of his hands because he doesn’t like it when his groupmates see him crying.
“Tegoshi!” Koyama wails, and hugs him tightly. “Tegoshi, I’m sorry! It should have been me!”
“Are you okay?” Massu asks, tentatively. He reaches out and squeezes Tegoshi’s hand.
The younger boy offers them a watery smile. “I did it,” he tells them, quietly first. Then louder, “I did it! It was embarrassing, but Johnny-san said Notti and Hiro can come back.”
Everyone is happy to hear that. Of course they are.
But still. The price is too high, isn’t it?
“Tegoshi,” Yamapi begins, “Are you… I mean…” he trails off, blushing, and makes a vague, circular gesture with one of his hands.
“Does it hurt to sit?” Koyama asks instead, and saves Yamapi from saying something awkward. “Should I get you a cushion?”
Tegoshi blinks. “E-eh? Hurt to sit? Is…is it supposed to?”
Silence.
“It doesn’t… I mean… no?” Koyama manages, nervously. His face is red.
Tegoshi is confused. “I don’t think it does… why would it?”
“Er…” everyone says.
Everyone except for Ryo, who is starting to lose patience with the others’ pussyfooting around. This is important information, after all. Why are they wasting time? He elbows Koyama aside and clasps Tegoshi’s shoulder. “Did you get ass raped or what?” he asks the younger boy, as gently as he knows how.
Tegoshi’s eyes get impossibly large-“What? Me? I… NO!”
Shige frowns. “Then…how did you manage to get Johnny to agree? You were in his office for three hours!”
“Don’t tell me…” Ryo begins.
Tegoshi nods reluctantly.
Everyone winces-sometimes that is worse. Koyama silently moves to fetch mouthwash.
But before he can:
“It’s exactly like you guys think,” Tegoshi confesses, and fidgets in embarrassment, “I sat in there for all that time and I…”
Everyone holds their breaths.
“…cried.”
Silence.
“You cried and…” Shige prompts.
“Cried,” Tegoshi says, again.
Again, nothing. Maybe a few crickets chirp.
Tegoshi pouts when no one has anything to say. “I cried like a girl! For three hours! It was really embarrassing!!”
Everyone looks at him for a while. Then they stand-one-by-one- and leave the room without a word.
Tegoshi blinks and wonders where they’re all going; don’t they still have to practice?
3. Tried and True
Massu makes a sandwich and presents it to Johnny one afternoon-it has around three pounds of meat in it. Ryo wishes that food wasn’t Masuda’s answer to all the world’s problems.
But then, two days later, the jimusho makes an announcement saying that Uchi and Kusano will be back with NewS in three months.
No one can quite believe their ears when they hear this. They all stare at Massu.
“What did you put in that sandwich, cocaine?” Ryo demands.
Massu just smiles. “The trick,” he begins, happily, “was that this time, I didn’t eat the sandwich myself first. That’s how much I want Kusano and Uchi to come back!”
And right now, even Ryo is in too good a mood to say anything to him about how retarded he is.
4. Common Sense
“I’ve made a chart,” Shige explains, as he sets his carefully drawn-up presentation on the stand.
“It’s color-coded,” Koyama adds, nervously. “I helped color it. With markers.”
Shige sighs, ignores his older friend, and pulls out one of those neat metal pointers professors use during lectures at his university.
Johnny watches intently from his desk while Koyama offers moral support and the occasional awkward laugh from beside Shige.
“As you can see from this list I have drawn up,” Shige begins, “all of the possible acronyms you can make with Kusano and Uchi’s initials- or with any of the first or last syllables of their names for that matter- are very stupid. In the case of something like H2, it is already copyrighted. The fact that Uchi’s last name begins with a vowel sound also makes it difficult to mash them into something like TegoMasu. Therefore, all evidence suggests that the two of them can’t possibly be a new group on their own if they want to have a marketable name that is not something dumb like Hiro KiNori or Usano.”
Johnny of course, agrees with them wholeheartedly by the time Shige is done-acronyms are very important to the life of JE, after all.
5. Far-Reaching Influence
One evening, Yamapi writes in his blog:
“When those who have the ability to make everyone happy choose not to do it, it is kind of disheartening, ne? Unfortunately I think there are lots of instances of this type of behavior through history-some people are too selfish! If it were me, I would always try my best to make everyone happy. That’s one of the most precious things in this life, isn’t it? If one person makes another person smile, then isn’t that person who is now smiling going to want to make someone else smile along with them as well? It is like a chain, ne?
If you have the ability to do this, wouldn’t you do it right away? Fortunately, I think everyone in NewS has this kind of heart-we are all the types of people who want to share a smile with the world, ne? I am lucky enough to have nakama like these to see almost every day! But sometimes I think that it is because of this that, on the days when I see people who are mean-spirited, it makes things worse! Because I know in my heart: “Ah, the world can have such warmth in it!” So when I see someone who is not willing to share that simple kindness, it is extremely depressing, ne? The most depressing! Why take the effort to break a person’s heart?
Ah, but that’s enough, right? I’ll do everything I can to be positive and share the happy things with people; I’m sure you all have worries of your own!
Yosh! The good things about today, ne?
After I finished my report, the six of us went and saw Kusano and Uchi’s stage play! It was very good. There is a powerful feeling conveyed in their faces when they are performing-I think everyone cried along with them, ne?
Then afterwards, we went to eat all you can eat BBQ! It was delicious, and to have everyone together like that around the table had a strong feeling of family, ne? We all came out smelling like meat afterwards… it was very satisfying and very embarrassing at once. I think if the fans had seen us then and smelled us, some would not agree that we were being the way idols are supposed to be. But majide, I feel that we smelled really delicious!!
Then we went to karaoke for a while-it really felt like old times, ne? It was very powerful!
To be like that definitely improved my mood from earlier-that is what I mean by sharing a smile and passing it on! NewS is that kind of family, ne?
Yosh, I will do my best to do that every day! Please do your best as well! This way is the way to changing the world.
Let’s make tomorrow a happy day for everyone!”
After that entry is posted there is a huge surge of support for Kusano and Uchi’s return in the forms of letters, e-mails, and petitions-even those who are not the pair’s particular fans feel the need to write in, asking Johnny to “please do everything in your power to make everyone happy.”
Soon after, the jimusho can’t help but give in under the onslaught; they announce that Kusano and Uchi will return to NewS at the end of September, and everyone marvels at the power Yamapi has with the fans.
“Eh?” Yamapi says, when they all praise him for his moving words (he of course, has no idea what they’re talking about). So he just responds like he always does: “Ah, I just try my best!” and pumps his fist.
“Yamapi is so cool!” the others cheer.
No one but Ryo knows that that retarded entry was actually about one of Yamapi’s classmates refusing to meet with everyone to work on their group project during the weekend.
But whatever works, works, right?
In the meantime, Ryo thinks that if this is the kind of big response some random blog entry from a mildly-talented idol can get, the next time he posts on his nikki, he is going to ask the world for an iPod.
END
EDITS PLZ.