you like, pwn the class.
Roy rules; I'd really like to taste him!
♥ I miss Carmel so fucking much. Like, knowing that she isn't around anymore completely destroys me. Every time I go "home," I feel like I have less and less of a home. MY house burned down, and now Carmel's gone, too. Dad has a big & empty & stupid mansion, but all I have is an empty porch. No more smelly, excited pup to go home to. No more putting her out, or telling her to pose pretty, or talking to her like I'm completely insane. Kissing her on the nose and lying with her, even (especially, when) when Dad tells me not to & laughs 'cause it's gross. And no longer can I bring her into the house, until she rolls around on the carpet, and I have to secretly clean it up.. I don't know what I am going to do without her. I miss her so much.
Last night, I sat on my unmade bed, surrounded by a pile of clothes that wasn't folding itself, and sobbed like a complete baby. Sometimes, I make the things that should be simpler, so hard.
Katelyn and I were chatting online about all of the hilarious and adorable moments that we had with our dog, because she went everywhere with us. We were kind of like the Three Muskateers, on crack. I thought that if I got it all out & remembered all of the good/funny things, that it would be easier to get through. I think it just made things worse.
All I can see when I shut my eyes is that picture of Carmel, sitting on the sofa in my old house, on the blue couch. She is between my Panda & Katelyn's Panda, and she's wearing a blue, army-print squid hat! A fucking squid hat! There is also a neon yellow Franco-American bookbag. I haven't even seen that picture in ages, but I can't get it out of my head. We could do everything in the world to her, and she never, ever cared, or tried to get us to stop. She never barked unless told to, or unless she saw a stranger coming in an unfamiliar vehicle. She was the happiest, friendliest dog ever. She was terrified of thunder & she loved my Grandma & Nan more than anything else on earth. I guess she's wherever they are. Le-big-fat-sigh.
I haven't slept well, at all, lately. Tuesday night it was just so windy, and it was absolutely pouring outside. Last night I was warm & cozy. I slept in my turtle blanket, molded around a pile of laundry that was taller than I was. I think there are three loads of unfolded laundry on my bed. I should try and get through that tonight, so that I have some to take home with me tomorrow.
Sigh, I feel so pathetic. I missed a dictee&oral comprehension test on Wednesday, but I went in today for my interview. It was alright, but I wish I hadn't been as nervous. I'm good at French, but I was still worked up from last night. I hope I do alright on my finals. I haven't set my goals very high, and I will be satisfied as long as I pass every course. Failing courses isn't a real concern for me, as I haven't failed anything (in any course) thus far. Aside-from-a-Science-exam I don't want to be at MUN, at all. Maybe I'll do some distance courses next semester, and work. Hmmm? I don't know. Maybe I'll quit life and hitchhike around the world & take pictures with my laptop & a backpack? Sounds gooood. I'll write letters. Fun times.
I began to write the "lovecards" that I'm sending everyone for Christmas. It's hard to be cute and happy and inspiring when you feel like bottled dirt. I will have to put those off until this stupid emotional funk passes on.
Tonight, I am going out for supper with my Auntie&Unclie. I will be very happy if I don't wind up crying about the dog & Dad & life & Christmas & school.. Haha. How can I still freakin' laugh when I feel so crappy? I am such an asshole.. Aha.
Is my brain going to fall apart, if Velma moves to Igloolik with my Dad? I can't decide. I can't ever decide.
I am going to eat a huge cookie now, and put on some real pants..
richelle.