Welcome to Earth, son.
Please, don't let this get me.
♥ Katelyn told me,
over last night & this morning, that my Dad has a job now. After a year of unemployment mixed with bankruptcy, he's going to relocate to the NWTs, managing some store, in a community of 1200 people. It is apparently Canada's oldest arctic community, and this is terrifying.
Why they can't get someone else to do it, is a question of mine. I don't think he knows exactly what he's getting into, as great as they tell him it is. They want him to leave on the first of October, and stay there until around Christmas.. I'm not sure if this means before, or after.
I haven't spoken to my Dad about anything meaningful, since I was last at the house, for Leo's (Velma's adorable Father) funeral. We got into a huge fight, mostly verbal and slightly physical, and easily the worst that myself or him have ever been in. It ended with me throwing stuff at him, and leaving the house.
It takes a lot to make me angry, and I was so upset. I have never been so mad in my entire life, and I don't think I am able to reach such an extreme level of anger, ever again. He was drunk, and I don't even know what he remembers.
This isn't a new thing for me, or for him, but I told him that it was the last time I wanted to deal with it. I went home the next day; I actually had to make Steph drive out and pick me up, because my Mom couldn't, as she was working. This, I arranged, after I decided not to steal a vehicle and drive myself home, that night.
So, now Kate tells me that they want him to leave in October. Yeah, my sister has to tell me. Great! Well, it's not like any of this is going to get resolved before he leaves, thus pushing it to never be resolved (again).
The fight started when I asked him if he could give me a ride home the next day, as he had promised. He said that Velma would, but her Dad just passed away. She wasn't suitable to drive me home, but he claimed that he couldn't, because he had to get ready for his business meeting, about the job that he now has.
That escalated to him telling me that my Mom does nothing for me, that he's getting this job so that he can provide for me, that he had lost everything he had in order to give to Katelyn and I. Bull shit, bull fucking shit. He has everything he ever had, with lesser monies and more hassles. After trying to walk away from him, twice, the fight became so completely out of hand. This, is just a small summary of how terrible things were. I will never, ever be able to explain them properly enough to let you know how bad they were. It was beyond my wildest nightmare.
Now, I will have to tell him that everything is fine again. This, is even if he takes the time to ask me, so that when he leaves, things 'will be alright,' incase anything happens while he is away.
This is playing with my head way too much. I can't even begin to talk to him about everything that has happened, because it goes back to when I was a fucking child. Now, he'll come home for Christmas, and I will spend it in Aspen Cove, at his house.. Even though it's my Mom's year. She'll say she doesn't mind, and she may not, but it's not fair, and it's not right.
So, friends will tell me to stay with my Mom, then.. But it doesn't work like that. Katelyn is my best friend, and Christmas is one of my favourite times of the year, despite the annual problems in working it out. All I want is to be able to spend Christmas with my 'family.' This, is an impossible task.
Katelyn wouldn't mind splitting up for the holidays, because she has no idea how important our together-ness is to me. The only solid tradition that my 'family' has, is that together, Katelyn and I open up one gift on Christmas Eve. Isn't that pathetic? The only form of anything traditional that my family was able to create, was from Katelyn and I, getting gifts early. This is all so irrelevant, and fucked up.
It is impossible to organize my thoughts, because all of this should've been written down a long time ago. I should've written about the fight when we had it, and I should've written about last Christmas, when it happened.
(Last Christmas, we were at my Dad's house. To make a long story short, there were two nights in a row where my Dad got completely plastered, and made me drive the truck home, in really shitty conditions. For the entire ride home, on both nights, all he did was talk about shit, and slurr, and be a complete fucking idiot. My friend Shane, who I hadn't seen since early in the summer, was going to come up for the night, and I picked him up before Dad & Velma. I didn't know that Dad was drinking, and when he got in, all hell broke loose. I wound up bawling my face off for the ride home, and Dad still didn't even shut up. At one point, I asked him to get out of the truck and walk the fuck home, or I was going to. It was just plain insane.)
((At least during last Christmas, we were sure that my Grandpa (who became a full-fledged alcoholic after my Grandma passed away) wasn't drinking, at all. He was so happy, and it was so nice to see him being truly happy. His girlfriend, Marie, and him were there for Christmas, and it was wonderful.))
Now, no one knows if Pop is drinking again, or not. I'm not sure if Marie (his girlfriend) would tell us.. Not in his defense; God bless her soul, she is such a complete sweetheart.. But, I just don't know if she knows the extremity of the situation, or how important his sobriety is. My Dad says that she knows, but I'm not sure of what he told her.
Anyway, that all ties back into the latest huge fight, a part of which happened when my Dad told me that he wasn't going to take care of my Grandpa anymore, because 'he wasn't his mother.' This caused a mental-explosion, as my sixteen year-old sister and I stood, yelling at our Father; chastising him for being a child, selfish, an alcoholic. It pushed me to my limit, and I told him that the children I worked with could never cause as much trouble as he did. That taking care of Grandpa was much easier, and that if he wasn't going to, I wasn't going to stand around, and spend the rest of my youth babying him. He reached out for me, and I literaly slapped him, hard. For my entire life, I was forced to be a grown-up, and take care of my family. My childhood was so completely insane, as my Mother had to share the role of being the caregiver, sometimes with me. I had to act like a grown up, because my Dad was too immature to do it. Life didn't get easier until we kicked my Dad out of the house, and later moved to Clarenville. This, opened up an entirely new world of unbelievable and tragic events, which I will not even begin to get into. Everything is just fucking stupid, and completely insane. Insane! What's a girl to do? Tell me.
So, my friends, there is a small peek into what is actually going on in my life. If you actually read all, or any, of that, thank-you. It's nearly impossible to talk about, because it is so frustrating to try and put to words, exactly what I am going through. So now, you know. I don't know how else to end this, other than to feel greatful for a place & people to talk to.
Thanks.
«3. richelle.