drafts folder
don't worry, the problem is need. and my msn username is russian petrushka doll now for a reason! impertinent body, 'the awakened & knowing say: body i am entirely, and nothing else; and soul is only a word for something about the body'. nietzsche. of course i always knew that when i started paying attention to nietzsche again there'd be something wrong.
happy happy, or not happy----sad, but not sad about being sad. that makes a huge difference. and i uncare what my wrists look like, i even uncare that you're frustrated by it; if you cared enough you'd get it. there's that word again care, laying there like an accusation, fuck. don't take it in that way; i don't expect it, really. i think i just know the way i feel, and it feels dangerous, and i cant quite believe the people close to me dont want to share the burden with me (protection, massive attack). fuck, its too late for me. but at least i know that. yeah, it makes me cry, and really, i cry even more knowing youll close this email without a second thought & feel mildly exasperated and wait for time to change my mood, but if you were worried, if you tried to get me to explain myself, if you tried to make me better. i'd just feel guilty, i'd just isolate myself. its better this way, unreal though, feeling myself farther and farther away from you with each amorphous, frightened email i send you. knowing you wont reply is, by this stage, a comfort. i dont think i'd be prepared for how upset i'd be if my sadness affected people i loved. i'd like to keep you separate, ideally,
unfinished 29.05.03
happy happy, or not happy----sad, but not sad about being sad. that makes a huge difference. and i uncare what my wrists look like, i even uncare that you're frustrated by it; if you cared enough you'd get it. there's that word again care, laying there like an accusation, fuck. don't take it in that way; i don't expect it, really. i think i just know the way i feel, and it feels dangerous, and i cant quite believe the people close to me dont want to share the burden with me (protection, massive attack). fuck, its too late for me. but at least i know that. yeah, it makes me cry, and really, i cry even more knowing youll close this email without a second thought & feel mildly exasperated and wait for time to change my mood, but if you were worried, if you tried to get me to explain myself, if you tried to make me better. i'd just feel guilty, i'd just isolate myself. its better this way, unreal though, feeling myself farther and farther away from you with each amorphous, frightened email i send you. knowing you wont reply is, by this stage, a comfort. i dont think i'd be prepared for how upset i'd be if my sadness affected people i loved. i'd like to keep you separate, ideally,
unfinished 29.05.03