through soul stained tears
I was the one who thought true love could conquer everything. How naive was I?
Why didn't someone tell me love isn't real?
Ya'll have probably noticed that for the last little bit I haven't been writing all that much about my husband. For those of you who might be wondering what's been going on in the corners of my shattered heart as of lately here goes. I know I probably shouldn't post this for the whole world to see and read but why not. Perhaps there is just one person out there who might read this who can help me understand this heart-stopping pain.
Well a few days after New Year's I found out that he filed for divorce. I don't know why I hadn't expected it. I guess I was trusting what he had told me when he said that he loved me and that he would never do that. We hadn't spoken for around five months. I had no idea why not but assumed that his family had found out that we had been and got mad. See there's one bit of my naivity. I kept, no keep making excuses for him. My heart is trying to blind my soul from the truth. All last year I believed him when he kept telling me that he loved me and that he wanted to be with me. Part of me still does. But anyway I got the divorce papers and thought I was going to die. After a few days of nonstop tears and trying to find the strength to do it I called and left a message on his phone one night in which I poured every bit of my heart out to him, or at least tried to through the tears. I don't know how long I talked but before I finished I heard the phone beeping letting me know that someone was calling. I didn't answer it but as soon as I hung up the phone it rang. Guess who it was. Yes, Wally. All in all he told me that he does love me and that he needs me just as much as I need him. I'm pretty sure at the first he was crying too. He told me that he had just filed for the divorce because he was afraid he would end up back around my mother. Well we talked for about an hour. He told me that he doesn't want a divorce and then he told me that he was going to tell whoever is over it the next morning that he didn't want to pursue it. He promised he would call me back the next night. After about an hour my phone was going dead so I had to tell him bye. He told me he loved me and then said bye. When I hung the phone up I burst into tears yet again. Partially because he had rekindled that fading hope in me and yet also because I was so afraid I was going to be let down again. I was also so afraid that I had just heard him tell me "I love you." for the last time.
Well he didn't call back. For nights after that his phone was turned off. Knowing me I tried to tell myself that it wasn't him. So I waited and waited for a phone call that never came. Then last month I went to WWRC and just got back a week ago. It was so hard being there just thinking of the miles between us. Hoping that while I sat there each night looking into the sky that somewhere he to was thinking of me. Knowing that no matter how far apart we were that we were still under the same moon and the same stars. I didn't want to come back to face my own death. I didn't want to come back to face a cruel reality. Up there it didn't seem real. It was like a vague memory of a book that I had once read as a child. If not for Christian I wouldn't have came.
This weekend someone told me that he doesn't want to be with me because of the FA. I don't want to believe that, I don't believe that... About a year ago I remember asking him that and him telling me that has nothing to do with it and that the FA never bothered him. But I have to ask myself, was he telling the truth? I need to hear that from him. If that is why......... I wouldn't force anyone to live with this disease. I don't even like myself because of this. Why would I want anyone else to? True, I do tend to push everyone away because I know that eventually the FA will make them hate me and either they'll just leave or stick around with their false smiles and fake hearts, I would rather them just hate me for something else, my heart can deal with that better. But him, he didn't let me push him away. Were those last five years made-up love because he didn't want to tell me that he too had grown to hate me?
I've always known deep down in my soul that it was unfair to want him to be with me. I have always carried this guilt because he isn't with someone normal. He deserves someone normal. Someone who can do all the things for him that I can't. Someone that he can grow old with.
If it's the FA then I wish he'd just tell me. I love him so much, more than anyone should have a right to love someone else. Enough to not want my curse to be his burden. And if that's why then enough to, even though this love will never die, let him go.
Artist:
Avril Lavigne
Album:
Unknown
Title:
Keep Holding On
You're not alone
Together we stand
I'll be by your side, you know I'll take your hand
When it gets cold
And it feels like the end
There's no place to go
You know I won't give in
No I won't give in
Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
So far away
I wish you were here
Before it's too late, this could all disappear
Before the doors close
And it comes to an end
With you by my side I will fight and defend
I'll fight and defend
Yeah, yeah
Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Hear me when I say, when I say I believe
Nothing's gonna change, nothing's gonna change destiny
Whatever's meant to be will work out perfectly
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
La da da da
La da da da
La da da da da da da da da
Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Keep holding on
Keep holding on
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through