how i know i'm related to my grandma
within 15 minutes of seeing her:
me: oh, uncle brad, i was going to apply yo UCLA, but the deadline passed....bummer
grandma: you don't actually entertain hopes of getting into UCLA?
me: oh.....well, i didn't apply, so its not really an issue.....
grandma: but you actually think you would get in? no no...
my grandma goes to my cousins 3rd grade class for the day in which she sits next to a 60 year old man with a 9 year old son
grandma: so hows that viagra? it must be working pretty well..
at breakfast this morning:
my mom: yeah i like having so many siblings
grandma: well good thing i didn't believe in abortions.
how i know i'm related to my mother:
we're all sitting in the living room on a sunday morning (you can see into my living room from outside)
mom: (hits the floor violently and starts crawling) OH CRAP GET DOWN!!
my sister and i: what??
mom: the jehovahs witnesses are coming!!
in which my sister and i immediately hit the floor.
also merry christmas!