Day Two: The DIANA Manual
Latest model from POB Enterprises: DIANA VILLIERS
Earlier models: STEPHEN MATURIN and JACK AUBREY
(If you haven't seen these before read at least STEPHEN's first.)
The DIANA Manual
* * * CONGRATULATIONS * * *
You are now the proud owner of a DIANA VILLIERS! In order to reap the full potential of your adventuress and avoid any unpleasant incidents, it is highly recommended that you follow the instructions detailed in this manual. Follow the directions and your DIANA unit will give you years of quality performance.
Note: POB Enterprises cannot be held liable for any mishaps resulting from failure to read and comply with safety procedures in handling your ship captain.
TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS:
Name: Diana Villiers
Type: Human (Female, English)
Manufacturer: POB Enterprises, Mapes division
Date of Manufacture: 1780
Height: 5"7'
Weight: 9 stone
ACCESSORIES
Your DIANA comes equipped with the following items:
(a) dressing-case/music stand/writing desk; AKA the "object".
(b) chest full of stylish nineteenth-century ladies' garments
(c) Arabian mare, riding
(d) riding crop
(e) pendant with large blue diamond
(f) pistol
(g) nineteenth-century carriage with team
INSTALLATION
Your DIANA should arrive fully assembled. Please check that you have all her accessories (see above). You may choose to confiscate any or all of items d through g. If you powered her up before reading these instructions but you want to get them away from her... tough luck.
OPERATING PROCEDURE
Your DIANA unit has been designed to be user-friendly and efficient. Her controls are voice activated. Please state your instructions clearly in practically any language. However, if you want her to comply, make sure she already agrees with them.
Your DIANA is not just decorative. She is ideally suited for any number of tasks, including:
Hostess: DIANA enjoys society and can organize and facilitate gatherings of any size from an intimate dinner for four to a ball for several hundred.
Horsewoman: DIANA's riding skills are excellent and she not only enjoys participating in traditional fox-hunts on horseback, but is very happy at home breeding Arabians.
Socialite: DIANA's poise, grace, and wit make her a valuable companion at any social function, from political dinners to balloon ascensions. The sky's the limit!
Caution: Bear in mind that your DIANA does not exist to entertain you. Your task is to provide entertainment for her. If you do not, she will find someone who will.
*** WARNING *** While your DIANA is a fully-functional female and is capable of providing many other services around the home, certain tasks should not be undertaken by owners who are involved in a long-term relationship, unless the Significant Other is a) exceedingly tolerant and understanding, to a fault, or b) very busy doing something really noisy that takes a long time. POB Enterprises cannot be held responsible for any emotional distress, damage to the DIANA, the user, or the user's Significant Other, or divorce proceedings that may result from such use of your DIANA unit!
INTERACTION WITH OTHER MODELS
POB Enterprises has preprogrammed your unit with nine different modes of interaction:
Friendly
Joyful
Witty
Moody
Lustful
Ambitious
Restless/Insecure
Hostile
Slashy
If you wish to socialize your DIANA, she is especially compatible with the STEPHEN MATURIN, JACK AUBREY*, WILLIAM BABBINGTON, GEDYMIN JAGIELLO, CLARISSA OAKES, and SOPHIE WILLIAMS/AUBREY models.
*Interaction with the JACK AUBREY unit, however, may cause other difficulties, such as creating hostility in other models (STEPHEN MATURIN and SOPHIE WILLIAMS/AUBREY). See Troubleshooting below and refer to each unit's Manual for details.
The factory-installed default is Friendly. Modes other than Joyful, Witty, and Friendly are not recommended for inexperienced users, particularly if there are incompatible models in the home.
*** WARNING *** Although it is not essential that DIANA and any STEPHEN unit with which she may come into contact be set to the same interaction mode (indeed, some of DIANA's modes are unavailable to STEPHEN, and vice versa), if one model is set to Slashy while the other is not, undesirable consequences may result.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
Q: Can I purchase a second DIANA unit?
A: Due to the popularity of this model, a strict rationing system has been introduced- one DIANA per household.
Q: I heard that it's possible to breed from my DIANA. Is this true?
A: Yes. Simply lock her in a room with a STEPHEN MATURIN unit for a while. Alternately, if you're the jealous type, just purchase the BRIGID unit.
Q: While unwrapping my DIANA (to look for her serial number, obviously) I noticed that though brand-new, she appears, well, rather experienced already.
A: The DIANA model not only has been married, but has had relations with several other men; as well as having traveled extensively throughout the world. Read the books.
Q: My DIANA unit alternately friendly, provoking, flirty, and cutting. I never know how she's going to be on any given day. Is my unit defective?
A: Providing a wide variety of interaction modes is a part of DIANA's programming. Why are you complaining?
Q: I'd like to take my DIANA traveling with me. What vacation spots are appropriate?
A: The DIANA model travels extremely well, although prone to debilitating sea-sickness. We recommend almost any location, particularly those with a vibrant society. However, places rich in wealthy suave charming men should be avoided lest your DIANA unit become stuck in Ambitious or Lustful modes.
Q: I am not the owner of the DIANA unit, but the owner's Significant Other. How can I stop my partner from ignoring me in favor of DIANA?
A: If there is also a STEPHEN in the house, and you can get the units alone, switching them both to Lustful mode may work. Alternately, provide the DIANA unit with item (g).
TROUBLESHOOTING
Your DIANA is an intricate combination of craftsmanship and programming, and in the course of operations you may encounter the following situations:
Problem: You have a DIANA and a SOPHIE model. You recently introduced a JACK AUBREY unit into your home. Now your SOPHIE unit is threatening DIANA with a riding crop.
Solution: The immediate crisis may be dealt with by returning both female units to Friendly mode. To deal with the root cause, ensure that the JACK and SOPHIE units have plenty of time together apart from DIANA.
Problem: You attempted that last solution, but found one or both units stuck in Hostile.
Solution: Set all three models to Slashy mode. Or if you're open-minded, just the two female units.
Problem: You have a DIANA and a STEPHEN model. You recently introduced a JACK AUBREY unit into your home. Now your STEPHEN and JACK units are making plans to shoot each other.
Solution: The immediate crisis may be dealt with by returning both male units to Friendly mode. To deal with the root cause, obtain a SOPHIE WILLIAMS/AUBREY unit. Ensure that the JACK and SOPHIE units have plenty of time together apart from your DIANA.
Problem: You attempted that last solution, but found one or both units stuck in Hostile.
Solution: Try getting one of the male units - the JACK model works best for this, but either will do - seriously wounded. It will all blow over shortly.
Problem: Your DIANA unit appears stuck in Restless mode, and keeps seeking out men to run off with.*
Solution: Purchase a STEPHEN unit and set both in Lustful mode.
*The Caution printed above bears repeating: Your DIANA does not exist to entertain you. Your task is to provide entertainment for her.
Problem: You're not sure you actually have a problem. Although your unit doesn't seem quite as graceful and beautiful as expected, she is personable and gets along with everyone else just fine. Additionally, she has a delightful low infectious laugh.
Solution: You have been issued a LOUISA WOGAN unit by mistake. You can return her to the place of purchase, with the receipt, for a full refund or exchange.
Problem: Your friends complain that your DIANA flirts with and sometimes seduces their male SO's.
Solution: The DIANA model has persisted in this mode of behavior despite the best efforts of our programmers. You can try setting her to Slashy mode, but then the complaints may come from your friends with female SO's.
FINAL NOTE
With careful monitoring and extra precautions, you should get the full benefit out of your DIANA VILLIERS. Sadly, due to this model's tendency to embroil herself in romantic triangles and resolve uncomfortable situations by running off, she does not come with a warranty.
Earlier models: STEPHEN MATURIN and JACK AUBREY
(If you haven't seen these before read at least STEPHEN's first.)
The DIANA Manual
* * * CONGRATULATIONS * * *
You are now the proud owner of a DIANA VILLIERS! In order to reap the full potential of your adventuress and avoid any unpleasant incidents, it is highly recommended that you follow the instructions detailed in this manual. Follow the directions and your DIANA unit will give you years of quality performance.
Note: POB Enterprises cannot be held liable for any mishaps resulting from failure to read and comply with safety procedures in handling your ship captain.
TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS:
Name: Diana Villiers
Type: Human (Female, English)
Manufacturer: POB Enterprises, Mapes division
Date of Manufacture: 1780
Height: 5"7'
Weight: 9 stone
ACCESSORIES
Your DIANA comes equipped with the following items:
(a) dressing-case/music stand/writing desk; AKA the "object".
(b) chest full of stylish nineteenth-century ladies' garments
(c) Arabian mare, riding
(d) riding crop
(e) pendant with large blue diamond
(f) pistol
(g) nineteenth-century carriage with team
INSTALLATION
Your DIANA should arrive fully assembled. Please check that you have all her accessories (see above). You may choose to confiscate any or all of items d through g. If you powered her up before reading these instructions but you want to get them away from her... tough luck.
OPERATING PROCEDURE
Your DIANA unit has been designed to be user-friendly and efficient. Her controls are voice activated. Please state your instructions clearly in practically any language. However, if you want her to comply, make sure she already agrees with them.
Your DIANA is not just decorative. She is ideally suited for any number of tasks, including:
Hostess: DIANA enjoys society and can organize and facilitate gatherings of any size from an intimate dinner for four to a ball for several hundred.
Horsewoman: DIANA's riding skills are excellent and she not only enjoys participating in traditional fox-hunts on horseback, but is very happy at home breeding Arabians.
Socialite: DIANA's poise, grace, and wit make her a valuable companion at any social function, from political dinners to balloon ascensions. The sky's the limit!
Caution: Bear in mind that your DIANA does not exist to entertain you. Your task is to provide entertainment for her. If you do not, she will find someone who will.
*** WARNING *** While your DIANA is a fully-functional female and is capable of providing many other services around the home, certain tasks should not be undertaken by owners who are involved in a long-term relationship, unless the Significant Other is a) exceedingly tolerant and understanding, to a fault, or b) very busy doing something really noisy that takes a long time. POB Enterprises cannot be held responsible for any emotional distress, damage to the DIANA, the user, or the user's Significant Other, or divorce proceedings that may result from such use of your DIANA unit!
INTERACTION WITH OTHER MODELS
POB Enterprises has preprogrammed your unit with nine different modes of interaction:
Friendly
Joyful
Witty
Moody
Lustful
Ambitious
Restless/Insecure
Hostile
Slashy
If you wish to socialize your DIANA, she is especially compatible with the STEPHEN MATURIN, JACK AUBREY*, WILLIAM BABBINGTON, GEDYMIN JAGIELLO, CLARISSA OAKES, and SOPHIE WILLIAMS/AUBREY models.
*Interaction with the JACK AUBREY unit, however, may cause other difficulties, such as creating hostility in other models (STEPHEN MATURIN and SOPHIE WILLIAMS/AUBREY). See Troubleshooting below and refer to each unit's Manual for details.
The factory-installed default is Friendly. Modes other than Joyful, Witty, and Friendly are not recommended for inexperienced users, particularly if there are incompatible models in the home.
*** WARNING *** Although it is not essential that DIANA and any STEPHEN unit with which she may come into contact be set to the same interaction mode (indeed, some of DIANA's modes are unavailable to STEPHEN, and vice versa), if one model is set to Slashy while the other is not, undesirable consequences may result.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
Q: Can I purchase a second DIANA unit?
A: Due to the popularity of this model, a strict rationing system has been introduced- one DIANA per household.
Q: I heard that it's possible to breed from my DIANA. Is this true?
A: Yes. Simply lock her in a room with a STEPHEN MATURIN unit for a while. Alternately, if you're the jealous type, just purchase the BRIGID unit.
Q: While unwrapping my DIANA (to look for her serial number, obviously) I noticed that though brand-new, she appears, well, rather experienced already.
A: The DIANA model not only has been married, but has had relations with several other men; as well as having traveled extensively throughout the world. Read the books.
Q: My DIANA unit alternately friendly, provoking, flirty, and cutting. I never know how she's going to be on any given day. Is my unit defective?
A: Providing a wide variety of interaction modes is a part of DIANA's programming. Why are you complaining?
Q: I'd like to take my DIANA traveling with me. What vacation spots are appropriate?
A: The DIANA model travels extremely well, although prone to debilitating sea-sickness. We recommend almost any location, particularly those with a vibrant society. However, places rich in wealthy suave charming men should be avoided lest your DIANA unit become stuck in Ambitious or Lustful modes.
Q: I am not the owner of the DIANA unit, but the owner's Significant Other. How can I stop my partner from ignoring me in favor of DIANA?
A: If there is also a STEPHEN in the house, and you can get the units alone, switching them both to Lustful mode may work. Alternately, provide the DIANA unit with item (g).
TROUBLESHOOTING
Your DIANA is an intricate combination of craftsmanship and programming, and in the course of operations you may encounter the following situations:
Problem: You have a DIANA and a SOPHIE model. You recently introduced a JACK AUBREY unit into your home. Now your SOPHIE unit is threatening DIANA with a riding crop.
Solution: The immediate crisis may be dealt with by returning both female units to Friendly mode. To deal with the root cause, ensure that the JACK and SOPHIE units have plenty of time together apart from DIANA.
Problem: You attempted that last solution, but found one or both units stuck in Hostile.
Solution: Set all three models to Slashy mode. Or if you're open-minded, just the two female units.
Problem: You have a DIANA and a STEPHEN model. You recently introduced a JACK AUBREY unit into your home. Now your STEPHEN and JACK units are making plans to shoot each other.
Solution: The immediate crisis may be dealt with by returning both male units to Friendly mode. To deal with the root cause, obtain a SOPHIE WILLIAMS/AUBREY unit. Ensure that the JACK and SOPHIE units have plenty of time together apart from your DIANA.
Problem: You attempted that last solution, but found one or both units stuck in Hostile.
Solution: Try getting one of the male units - the JACK model works best for this, but either will do - seriously wounded. It will all blow over shortly.
Problem: Your DIANA unit appears stuck in Restless mode, and keeps seeking out men to run off with.*
Solution: Purchase a STEPHEN unit and set both in Lustful mode.
*The Caution printed above bears repeating: Your DIANA does not exist to entertain you. Your task is to provide entertainment for her.
Problem: You're not sure you actually have a problem. Although your unit doesn't seem quite as graceful and beautiful as expected, she is personable and gets along with everyone else just fine. Additionally, she has a delightful low infectious laugh.
Solution: You have been issued a LOUISA WOGAN unit by mistake. You can return her to the place of purchase, with the receipt, for a full refund or exchange.
Problem: Your friends complain that your DIANA flirts with and sometimes seduces their male SO's.
Solution: The DIANA model has persisted in this mode of behavior despite the best efforts of our programmers. You can try setting her to Slashy mode, but then the complaints may come from your friends with female SO's.
FINAL NOTE
With careful monitoring and extra precautions, you should get the full benefit out of your DIANA VILLIERS. Sadly, due to this model's tendency to embroil herself in romantic triangles and resolve uncomfortable situations by running off, she does not come with a warranty.