My Saturday Mornings with a Reflection on Care Responsibility
Lulu.com is having a sale, so I finally did what I've been meaning to do for a while and printed some old LJ entries into a book (with a pdf created by ljbook.com). The process made me nostalgic for LJ, so while I could be doing work to get our house ready to sell, I figured instead I'd take a few minutes to post one of the many entries I'm always writing in my head...
I typically dread Saturday mornings because I have a rigid schedule of chores that revolves around my hot yoga class. There are three things I feel must be done before that class: Lucky needs to go for a walk (since lately I've been so busy during the week that this is about the only time she gets a walk), Fufu's cage needs to be cleaned, and I need to do my 5 mile run. So I need to get up by a certain time to get all this done, and it's at least 2pm (usually later) before I get to start taking advantage of the weekend with non-routine tasks. I'm exhausted before I begin.
Then again, it's not so bad when it starts. Here's a snapshot of today: Alarm goes off, and both Hubby and the puppy snuggle up to me as if to say, "No! You can't leave yet!" I wonder if there is any better way to start a day. I take Lucky on her walk, and it's cool enough that the only physical alert that I'm running is that the cold air burns my lungs and nasal passages. Lucky shivers when she's not running. Perhaps because it's so cold (and so early) we see lots of deer and squirrels and few cars. I enjoy the walk/run.
We get home earlier than expected, so after breakfast, I'm excited to find that I have an extra 30 minutes to check e-mail. But wait... Lucky does not feel it's enough that I've just spent nearly an hour outside walking her, now she needs some playtime, too. Reluctantly I give in. Hubby comes down and lays on the couch watching us play and then decides to join in. With relief I think, "Ok, he's ready to take over" so I head back to my office to finish checking email. He says, "Where are you going?" I respond, "Oh, do I need to be here to watch you play with Lucky?" To Hubby this is family time. I try not to be exasperated because I want to appreciate this happy time, but I also want to get all my chores done early (including email) so that I can be that much closer to enjoying my weekend.
Not that it matters because once I leave the room, Lucky follows me. She doesn't want to just play; she wants to play WITH ME. So this is my life. I have three other beings in it, all of whom need attention, and none of whom seem to want any of the others to give it to them (which is not fully true: Hubby would love to hang out with Lucky, but she is attached to me).
Mostly I'm perfectly ok with this arrangement. It makes me happy to make the others in my life happy, and even this morning I was able to put aside my frustration and accept that things aren't always going to go my way. But I am also very Type A: I love my To Do lists, and sometimes I do get annoyed when my care responsibilities get in the way of me accomplishing many of the tasks on my To Do list.
I find this conflict manifesting in my dreams. Recently I had a dream that I went on a spa day with some of my girlfriends, but I took Lucky with me because I couldn't bear to leave her behind. The spa would not let me bring Lucky in, so I had to leave. My friends told me this (very diplomatically, I might add), and I ended up being mad at everyone: the spa, my friends, and most of all Lucky. I've dreamt variations of this theme with both Fufu and Lucky featured, though never with the Hubby, perhaps because I feel like Matt has a world outside of mine so he is not fully dependent on me.
So clearly I harbor a minor resentment towards my obligations, and I can't help but wonder if I'll feel the same towards kids. I sometimes felt like my mom resented my brother and I, and though she had us much younger in life, I feel it's inevitable that I'll let my selfishness shine through. I also wonder if this is normal for women: that we naturally feel a deep nurturing instinct that collides with our self-nurturing instincts?
Right now it's easy to let go of the resentment. I do very much love The Three, but I also have an outlet. Recently I was discussing with Matt the idea of giving up going to yoga classes and instead doing yoga at home through yogaglo.com. It would save me both time and money. But Matt said, "I thought the yoga classes gave you something else, though: time to yourself." He's right, of course. I can't even imagine doing a yoga session in the living room when Lucky doesn't give me a moment's peace when I'm on the ground. It is a pleasure to have those hours of me alone with my brain and body each week.
I kind of hope that as I get older, it becomes easier to put aside thoughts of myself (my schedule, etc.), but I also know (even from my mom friends) that it's important to retain your sense of self. So maybe the smidge of resentment I feel is ok, as long as I find healthy ways to vent it.