An Experiment that will lead to drastic consequences; but I don't mind.
To a person that talks about almost anything under the sun,
I wonder how I would see the world...
now that I chose to keep all thoughts to myself.
Always letting people know what I feel
gives them power over me;
power that I never want anyone to have...
power I'm not sure everyone is responsible enough to keep...
I wonder,
how things will go from now on...
who knows?
This may be my last post~
then again, I'm open to correction.
I just don't want to get hurt again
Words have so much power that it's frightening
It can break or make a person
Yet everyone is careless with such powerful instruments
What's worst is that...
no matter how harsh those words are used against you
you just accept them and never let them go.
Like willingly hugging the murderer of your lover
when you should be condemning the bastard that massacred your reason to live.
I'm just sick and tired of having my trust getting broken
by those very people I thought I could trust.
I don't wanna put myself in heartbreak's mercy yet again.
I just wanna shut out all possible ache and hurt;
including love...
No, let me rephrase that.
I wanna shut out all possible ache and hurt; love, especially.
I thought I prepared myself enough for the pain that comes with love;
I thought I'd be strong enough;
yet again, I stand corrected.
While looking through my news feed,
I've encountered a line that hit me like a deer to be road killed.
"I wonder if you knew...
how many times I thought about you
how many nights I've stayed awake thinking about you
how many times I've sat there and cried about you...
I wonder if you knew how much I love you...
I, for one, clearly know...
how many times and how many nights I've waited and wondered
in the shadows with solitude
agonizing about my possible importance or non existence in your life
days, nights, hours, seconds...
pondering...
going over on it in my head...
thinking whether I have I chance with you.
I've made my move
and now I wait...
I'm not usually this outwardly dramatic but...
I can't help it;
Drama follows me around
like a lost kitten begging to be taken home and loved.
(and I'm never one to say no to any cat)
I don't wanna talk...
because I know no one would want to listen
to my many nonsensical whimsy
That's why I wish to find that someone
that would put up with all of my multi-faceted chaotic wheel of misfortune
also known as my personality, myself.
I just thought...
that someone might be you.
Actually, I'm hoping for it to be you.
So I won't have to keep getting hurt
just to find that SOMEONE.
I'm getting tired of this game called LIFE.
It doesn't play fair because it is the game itself;
practically, worst than wonderland or land of oz combined.
Because the only end is death.
The only reason I wanna talk again...
to talk about myself...
about the things that interest me...
about what I feel...
is if you want to talk to me;
more like, if you start talking to me.
I just wanna feel that I'm worth the effort of talking to.
Like I can make you feel that time passing by doesn't matter...
because you spent that time with me.
I just wanna feel like I'm worth a moment of your time;
that's all.
Then again, everyone around me...
they don't see I'm worth their time.
I always have to start the conversation...
I always have to make the effort.
For once, I just wanna know what it feels like to be wanted;
even for the littlest things...
I'm not asking you to lay your life on the line for me.
just your time, that's all I ask.
That's why I wanna do an experiment...
how long do I have to not to talk to you...
till you decided to talk to me??
Am I worth the effort?
Do you even worry about me?
Am I important to you?
But by the looks of things...
It seems that I don't even cross your mind
I feel like I'm just a girl you know.
I'm practically nothing to you.
And feeling like this hurts more than I thought I was capable of handling.
I feel like we're heading for a tragedy and strangely, you're my remedy.
I'm still shocked that I still live and breathe
despite the fact that I feel like I've been in hell and back
and yet I get no response of where I stand with you.
It makes me feel like forgiving you was just for your conscience;
you just didn't want someone to be angry at you.
You never really cared about me and how I feel.
So, I decided...
I'll just shut out and not say a word.
No matter how much I wanna talk to you
and just ask about your day..
No matter how much I miss our little debates,
I must stay firm.
Else, I'll remain feeling used and abused.