Things Have Changed For Me
It took two full days to recover... and I wouldn't say I'm fully healed yet. I hit bottom. I hit the very bottom of the pail and I saw what was there. Things have changed.
Last Thursday, I went to a party with Sam, Mike, and Sarah. I've been completely fucked up all week and amazingly distraught and dismayed. I went to the party hoping my life would just turn around so I threw out all inhibitions. I drank five beers, took two jello shots, smoked a blunt, and continued to drink beer. A guy had "Barts" there. I had never taken any pills before, nonetheless drank so much and tried X. I felt completely out of body. I can't really string the rest of the night out in a clear way. My next memory though were the cops outside of my car. They actually pulled up to us as we walked towards it. We weren't even getting into the car, Sarah wanted to get her stuff so we could walk to Mike's house. Either way, the cops took my keys from Sarah and let us go. So I count my lucky stars for that. The next morning I woke and the room was still spinning. We crashed at Sarah's house and I ended up leaving at 9:30am and walked back to the house to retrieve my car. The cops said they would leave my keys at the kid's mailbox. When I check the mailbox, it's not there. So I called Tim and thanks to him, he drove me to my house to pick up a spare key and got my car back home.
The whole day was filled with indifference. I was extremely dehydrated. My head spun all day and I threw up enough times to cause my throat to hurt. The world was different though. As it is now. Things aren't what they used to be. I feel like my peripheral vision increased in both directions and my senses chopped off. I feel like I broke all of them in half to start fresh. Like walking into bright light after being in a dark room all day. Everything's worth and priority has shifted. I have things I want to do and people I want to see. I have songs I want to sing and there's words I want say. I am much stronger. I feel like I killed myself, which I literally did, to be reborn- uncomfortable like the first time- now to learn how to be comfortable again. I threw myself off the boat to learn to swim. I don't regret any of the decisions I have made.
I did cut myself the other day. I don't know if I wrote about it or admitted to it. But I feel like I need to face such things. I keep this one bandaged up. I never bought myself to bleed freely before and the image of it scared the shit out of me, but at the same time I felt acceptance. I know why I did all three and they all scream at me. Every day that I wake, I see them and I only feel acceptance. I accept that I am weak and I need others to hold me up. But who really does though? I have so many things I want to do and I realize, I don't have friends for it! I want to film my Jonny with a J skits that I drew up. I want to cook food and have people try them. I want to make cakes that I dream about. I want to watch sequential movies sequentially in one sitting. I want to make video game worlds and play them with someone. I want to hold someone. I want someone to hold me. I want what everyone else is wanting. Which is weird, because if we all want something... why don't we have it all? Because MY expectations are too high. And I ACCEPT that. My leg will heal and I am moving forward.
Today marked the day of the end of my Tech Week project. I drew all 29 positions with pencil, inked them with pen, and colored them on the computer. I spent all day with mom finishing it up. It felt good to be with her ten minutes ago looking at the project as a whole and just knowing we did it together. I loved that. It feels good to accomplish. Especially in the light of all the negativity that I've been around, it was exactly what I needed.
**[11/2 edit]
Bah. This was a really poignant entry. But nonetheless, I feel a weight lifted off my shoulders. I took most of my instruments from downstairs and brought them into my room. I plan to finish recording Nature Wins. It feels cathartic to think about Ashley and John. Those times were filled with such real emotion. It helps me think about my path that got me back into this hole I'm in. But as I look up now, I can see the day light coming. It yells my name. Here I come. I am pack-ratting into my room and letting my creativity flow.
P.S.
I pray in the shower.
P.P.S.
I'm a part of something special.
P.P.P.S.
Emmy hurt me, but in comparison, I can't motivate myself to explain myself.
Last Thursday, I went to a party with Sam, Mike, and Sarah. I've been completely fucked up all week and amazingly distraught and dismayed. I went to the party hoping my life would just turn around so I threw out all inhibitions. I drank five beers, took two jello shots, smoked a blunt, and continued to drink beer. A guy had "Barts" there. I had never taken any pills before, nonetheless drank so much and tried X. I felt completely out of body. I can't really string the rest of the night out in a clear way. My next memory though were the cops outside of my car. They actually pulled up to us as we walked towards it. We weren't even getting into the car, Sarah wanted to get her stuff so we could walk to Mike's house. Either way, the cops took my keys from Sarah and let us go. So I count my lucky stars for that. The next morning I woke and the room was still spinning. We crashed at Sarah's house and I ended up leaving at 9:30am and walked back to the house to retrieve my car. The cops said they would leave my keys at the kid's mailbox. When I check the mailbox, it's not there. So I called Tim and thanks to him, he drove me to my house to pick up a spare key and got my car back home.
The whole day was filled with indifference. I was extremely dehydrated. My head spun all day and I threw up enough times to cause my throat to hurt. The world was different though. As it is now. Things aren't what they used to be. I feel like my peripheral vision increased in both directions and my senses chopped off. I feel like I broke all of them in half to start fresh. Like walking into bright light after being in a dark room all day. Everything's worth and priority has shifted. I have things I want to do and people I want to see. I have songs I want to sing and there's words I want say. I am much stronger. I feel like I killed myself, which I literally did, to be reborn- uncomfortable like the first time- now to learn how to be comfortable again. I threw myself off the boat to learn to swim. I don't regret any of the decisions I have made.
I did cut myself the other day. I don't know if I wrote about it or admitted to it. But I feel like I need to face such things. I keep this one bandaged up. I never bought myself to bleed freely before and the image of it scared the shit out of me, but at the same time I felt acceptance. I know why I did all three and they all scream at me. Every day that I wake, I see them and I only feel acceptance. I accept that I am weak and I need others to hold me up. But who really does though? I have so many things I want to do and I realize, I don't have friends for it! I want to film my Jonny with a J skits that I drew up. I want to cook food and have people try them. I want to make cakes that I dream about. I want to watch sequential movies sequentially in one sitting. I want to make video game worlds and play them with someone. I want to hold someone. I want someone to hold me. I want what everyone else is wanting. Which is weird, because if we all want something... why don't we have it all? Because MY expectations are too high. And I ACCEPT that. My leg will heal and I am moving forward.
Today marked the day of the end of my Tech Week project. I drew all 29 positions with pencil, inked them with pen, and colored them on the computer. I spent all day with mom finishing it up. It felt good to be with her ten minutes ago looking at the project as a whole and just knowing we did it together. I loved that. It feels good to accomplish. Especially in the light of all the negativity that I've been around, it was exactly what I needed.
**[11/2 edit]
Bah. This was a really poignant entry. But nonetheless, I feel a weight lifted off my shoulders. I took most of my instruments from downstairs and brought them into my room. I plan to finish recording Nature Wins. It feels cathartic to think about Ashley and John. Those times were filled with such real emotion. It helps me think about my path that got me back into this hole I'm in. But as I look up now, I can see the day light coming. It yells my name. Here I come. I am pack-ratting into my room and letting my creativity flow.
P.S.
I pray in the shower.
P.P.S.
I'm a part of something special.
P.P.P.S.
Emmy hurt me, but in comparison, I can't motivate myself to explain myself.