Stupid stupid stupid
I've never been the type of chick to want the guy I can't have or the guy that's clearly not right for me.
Ugh... I'm so mad at myself for being so stupid. My feelings are a big mishmosh that I just don't understand right now. Maybe I was too smart or too careful when I was younger and now I'm making up for it. Maybe I didn't take enough chances or find myself with enough douchebags so I could be set on finding a nice guy now.
Guy A is the guy I'm seeing. We're not exclusive or anything, but we've been hanging out for a while. He's nice, respectful, cute, and has a decent future ahead of him. Unfortunately, his use of condoms is questionable (see previous entry) and there's something about him that I can't pinpoint, but I don't like. Maybe I'm sabotaging myself out of fear that he is the right guy and I can't commit; who the fuck knows at this point?
But he doesn't make me laugh. And after over 6 months of seeing him, I feel no real urge to further our relationship. So that has to be a sign, right? It sucks because, condoms issues aside, he's a good guy and he treats me very well. I just don't feel those sparks.
Guy B is the guy I flirt and fool around with. Too young, too irresponsible, and a bit shady. But he's a good time. It's more than that, though. I feel a sort of connection with him that I can't quite describe. He's flawed, very flawed, but I know underneath his issues, he's a great person. He makes me laugh all the time, and that's one of the sexiest things a guy can do in my opinion. He's attractive in an unconventional way, which I've always been crazy about for some reason. He frustrates me like no other, but he challenges me too. He's a good friend that I can have a real conversation with. And with him, I definitely feel those sparks.
But I'm a realist. I know that Guy B and I would never work out for so many reasons and that just fucking sucks. Maybe like 5 years down the road when he grows up a little, but I can't wait that long. I'm too old to want the screw up. Now is the time that I'm supposed to find a guy like Guy A and settle down. But I can't force something that just isn't right.
I think in time I'll just get over Guy B and figure out what to do with Guy A. Maybe they're just detours on my way to finding Guy C. Who knows? I guess I just have to give it time...
Ugh... I'm so mad at myself for being so stupid. My feelings are a big mishmosh that I just don't understand right now. Maybe I was too smart or too careful when I was younger and now I'm making up for it. Maybe I didn't take enough chances or find myself with enough douchebags so I could be set on finding a nice guy now.
Guy A is the guy I'm seeing. We're not exclusive or anything, but we've been hanging out for a while. He's nice, respectful, cute, and has a decent future ahead of him. Unfortunately, his use of condoms is questionable (see previous entry) and there's something about him that I can't pinpoint, but I don't like. Maybe I'm sabotaging myself out of fear that he is the right guy and I can't commit; who the fuck knows at this point?
But he doesn't make me laugh. And after over 6 months of seeing him, I feel no real urge to further our relationship. So that has to be a sign, right? It sucks because, condoms issues aside, he's a good guy and he treats me very well. I just don't feel those sparks.
Guy B is the guy I flirt and fool around with. Too young, too irresponsible, and a bit shady. But he's a good time. It's more than that, though. I feel a sort of connection with him that I can't quite describe. He's flawed, very flawed, but I know underneath his issues, he's a great person. He makes me laugh all the time, and that's one of the sexiest things a guy can do in my opinion. He's attractive in an unconventional way, which I've always been crazy about for some reason. He frustrates me like no other, but he challenges me too. He's a good friend that I can have a real conversation with. And with him, I definitely feel those sparks.
But I'm a realist. I know that Guy B and I would never work out for so many reasons and that just fucking sucks. Maybe like 5 years down the road when he grows up a little, but I can't wait that long. I'm too old to want the screw up. Now is the time that I'm supposed to find a guy like Guy A and settle down. But I can't force something that just isn't right.
I think in time I'll just get over Guy B and figure out what to do with Guy A. Maybe they're just detours on my way to finding Guy C. Who knows? I guess I just have to give it time...