God only cries for the living..

[peppa2007]

Today I cried alot more than any other day, or maybe just as much but harder. I cant seem to get motivated to do anything. I went to my grandpa's birthday party, and I know he is dying of cancer too, but the fact that I just lost her, kills me. She was the most amazing person I have ever met in my life, and it kills me to type and say the word 'WAS'. As I watched the men roll her body away to the hurst, I realized that I had just lost the one person who I loved more than life. She never spoke a bad word about anyone, and even in her last days of living and her pain was so much, she forgot all that and prayed for everyone else. It was the hardest thing Ive ever done. The fact that she wont be there anymore when I need someone. She was always the one person I could depend on NO matter what. I would give up everything in my room, everything I own, and everything I will ever have to have her back for five minutes to just tell her how much she meant to me. I had decided before she died that I was going to start living better, being a better person, and not speaking such mean things about people, and not cussing as much, and not judging people. Because you never know what people are going thru. As I stood at her grave today with Steve, I realized that she was gone, no getting up outta the grave, no coming home from the hospital, no more hugs, no more kisses, no more lunches in the summer, no more. She is GONE FOREVER. It has made me grow up, and I know all of us have been through things in our lives that take so much to get over, but this, is one of the toughest things Ive had to do. It feels like someone has ripped my heart out and tied it to a rope, and drug it a billion miles down the road, and never stopped, and to know that there is nothing I can do now, makes it that much worse.

She will always remain the most important person in my life, the one person I could always count on, no matter what.

Blessed are those who mourn;For they shall be comforted.

Matthew 5:4