how can my heart possibly break when it wasnt even whole to start with?

[peppa2007]

so yes as you know I came to Laurel County tonight.Dad's flights got delayed for like 15 years and he couldnt get to get me til like 12 30 am.And he was yet again drugged out, and I hate to see him like that so I offered to, and so I had to drive home.Somtimes wanting to hate your parents just doesnt happen like you want it to. I have tried my damndest to hate my dad with all thats in me, and for a while I was very successful with that.Hating the fact he left my family for that whore who has everything in life, or how my own parents lie like fucking rugs,how he made me and mom sleep on a matress a whole winter here with no heat, so that he could buy her nice shit, or how there is a stain in this living room back there where he flipped the rocking chair holding me and drinking big red,or the closet that has all my friends and all my brothers friends signatures on it,or the bad that my mom and dad bought that she sleeps in,or when I was scared I would make a pallet on their floor and sleep there all night,just thinking about how much I loved my family, or all 15 of the barking dogs out in the side yard, that have to stay here in KY.I would just look out the window and cry as he went on about his new life in South Dakota tonight, and how even if he bought me a car, it just wouldnt fix things, I would rather walk everywhere than have to put up with this bullshit anymore.He says he will buy me the car...but I dont want his damn money, I dont want anything from him.I knew it was a bad idea to come down here in the first place.Leaving my house I grew up in,is why I can hate my dad,him leaving me is why I can hate him I am losing everything about him. I think Im gonna move in with the people who buy it, haha, we can be one big uber family. I cant let everything go. Its so hard to hate my dad, but some of the shit he pulls, like buying shawn a brand new car, and waits 14 years to buy mine.And listening to how mom hates him, but she goes along with everything he ever says.These people burn me up.I cant tell who is lying and who aint anymore.I remember when I was down here I would get so damn depressed all weekend, but sitting here for five minutes, looking at the boxes all packed up, and ready to go, this weekend is going to be the heardest ever..and I feel like my head is spinning around with so many thoughts and feelings and shit.That when I close my eyes, I still see what is going on around me.Theres nothing left but boxes of memories, and shit is my life, that is taken away forever.Or maybe they were just all lies.Do they even know they are the ones who can truely make me depressed and so sick of life that I would go lay down on the highway out there, and literally get ran over and hopefully die.these people dont understand how depressed they make me.I dont think I even understand how depressed I get.

I think I will go and lay in my bed and cry alot now...there is nothing else that I know to do.