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I wish that I could talk to you, but I know that I don't have it in me. I can't talk to you and feel like you remain ready to take on all of my misfortune. So I don't want to talk it out with you. I just keep it all inside. ALL OF IT INSIDE INSIDE INSIDE
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No, I really didn't tell you anything, I just wanted to say that. lol. That was such an Alyssa thing to do.
I'm sorry that you feel like you can't talk to me about it, tell me if there is anything I can do about that. Really.
I'm also really sorry that I'm so happy all the time. I know that sounds weird, and I'm not apologizing for being happy, but it's just like rubbing it in by telling you about it all the time. And I know you said you're glad that I'm happy, but NOBODY wants their best friend to be so much happier then they are.
I am sorry, its because the only time I hear you, you're happy. You do a good job at acting happy. And I appreciate you doing that for me, but I don't want you to. You don't have to alter your feelings or the way you portray them for me. I love you. I told you I'll be your best friend if you're sad for a million years. I'm in this forever, be what you are and express what you're feeling. Please.
Okay I know I'm not supposed to talk about Chris with you according to him, but whatever, I have free speech, and he obviously talks to you about me. You know how I feel about Chris, how I always have, and always will, and definantly never stopped even when I said I did. I'm pretty sure you knew that. I think he's a big asshole like he's aways been, but that's just me. But I think part of the reason it's like this now, is because you've surrendered all power, all authority. He has the idea now, because you cry when he leaves, because you flinch at any sign of his unhappiness with you, he has the idea that you're nothing with out him. I'm not sayng don't love Chris, and I NEVER said that. Blinky can shut the fuck up, and Chris can get over his isecure self. I'm not afraid of them, and you shouldn't be afraid of Chris. They are both insecure boys that look mean and scary as their only means of defense. It's actually sad on his behalf he has to demean a girl to feel big about himself. Its all bullshit. He is all talk. If he says shit about your body, say shit back, don't let him know it hurts you if its what he wants. If you give him what he wants. Its just gonna fuck you over. He can do anything he wants as long as he thinks you can't go on without him. If he knows there is no way you could leave him if he goes out and drinks and smokes, then damn right he's gonna do it. If he's pretending to hate you, try not to cry, pretend to fucking hate him right back.
I'm sorry no one believes you about anything, I'm sorry you cut up your legs, I'm sorry there is no one to take care of you. I'm sorry I know you still look at yourself as nothing, you still doubt everything you say even though you know its fact, that you still blame yourself for everything that happens in your life.
I wish I could write down how wonderful and beautiful you are. I could fill pages. I wish life could be restarted and I could be your caretaker, give you the best life you could have, no hate, no cutting, no doubts. I wish I could take everything that hurts you and yell at it till it's ears bleed. I wish I could show you how truley amazing you are, make you understand that people that become your friends are blessed not tainted like you seem to think. I would do anything to make you realize your very being is so special, there is no where to even begin.
I want to take care of you so bad. And I will, just come home soon. I love you so much, and will never stop. I hope you understand that.
I'm in love with you, Penny.
Say you love me too, Penny.
No one else will do, Penny.
Seems funy but it's true! Boodly doodly doo.
I loved you from the start, Penny.
Bless your little heart, Penny.
Everyday will seem so Funny, Sunny, Honey,
With you! Boodly doo!
<3Iloveyousomuch.
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