(no subject)
I wish that I could talk to you, but I know that I don't have it in me. I can't talk to you and feel like you remain ready to take on all of my misfortune. So I don't want to talk it out with you. I just keep it all inside. ALL OF IT INSIDE INSIDE INSIDE.
Well here you go Danielle. ANYONE. Penny.
I don't believe in god. Though for a short time I did.
GOD. Wants nothing to do wirh me. WITH ANYONE FOR THAT MATTER.
Do you remember how it used to be? When Chris didn't want to do anything without me? He would do anything to make me happy, only he was to demanding. He was suspisious, and I always felt like I was doing everything wrong. And then when he found out I was going to go home. TO YOU. He had this break down and convinced me to stay and not be your friend... but then I talked my way around it and he let it be, only being on the computer was frowned apon, and calling too. So I just stopped ever getting on, talking to you, talking to anyone.
But during that time, I had no one. So I clung to Chris. Only the more I did... the more cigarettes he would smoke, the more he would go out all night and I would stay awake looking out the window. Sobbing from 5 minutes before he left until the next morning, long after he god home. It was like he needed to get away from me. No matter how much I needed him, he would still go. I would ask for how long he would be gone, and he would ALWAYS say no more then 2 hours. And then he would be gone for 5. For 8. And he would reak of liquor and cigarettes when he got home. I started being afraid he would hit me, because when he would say something with a rude voice and I would instantly start crying and saying I was sorry and begging him to still love me. And he would say " I DO FUCKING LOVE YOU" and I would say I'm sorry I'm sorry and keep crying and he would say "GOD MAN. EVERYNIGHT" and throw something. So I started jumping and that makes him more mad. And eventually I would lay in bed, all day and try to not cry and do anything possible for Chris. Anything he wanted I would do.
Ity's like it only made him hate me more.
About 4 days ago...something like I just discribed happend in the morning. Before he went to work. And then he left. And came home instead of going. And he layed down and it's like it all started all over again. Only he started saying things like WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO WITHOUT ME. ANd I would say BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO. I WANT US TO GO TOGETHER. And he would yell and throw things. And I just layed there scratching and sobbing. And then he told me we needed a break. And I said NO. No break. We're together or not. And he said THEN NOT. And I told him he didn't mean it and he started yelling for me to get the hell out. That I HAD to get my shit. AND LEAVE. And I just kept crying and he wouldn't let me walk anywhere by myself so I didn't "Go nuts and kill yourself in MY house" and then like after packing some of my shti I convinced him that I wasn't going to ask again. That if he wanted me to go. Just not to sayanything and I would understand, and I would go. And he said no and we were perfect after that. He took me out to lunch and all around and we cuddled. We watched a movie. We watched harry potter too. And then we went to our friends house and then we came home, stayed up all night while I painted. And it was GOOD for once. He cared when I would start to cry and tell me it was okay and that he loved me. And he understood.
It's back to the same old shit though. Or atleast it was all yesterday. I would be sarcastic, and he would get mad. And then he would be mean. And I would feel stupid. He was making fun of my body all yesterday. And he punched me soo hard in my leg I actually cryed and I never have. And then later he asked me something about "STUFF" me and Matt used to do and I answered and he got all quiet and was like "AND YOU NEVER HAD SEX????" And I was like no. I'v told you who I had sex with. Oh I forgot you refuse to believe a girl like me hardly had sex. And he stayed quiet and then in bed he was just like. blahbalhblah it's hard to believe you never gave it up to him.
And I got hysterical. Swearing to god. To everything. That I didn't that I never lied about who I had sex with. And I always felt yucky after I did stuff with Matt because it was just so he would like me. I swore I didn't have sex with him, because I thought that was the only reason he was with me. And I cryed and swore. And I felt sooo discusting. Like It made me remember what idiotic things I did. And it was the worst feeling. NO ONE BELIEVES ME ABOUT ANYTHING.
When I'm driving I'll completely picture Chris stopping to fast and me slamming my head into the window sheild and blood spidering through the glass. I picture drive bys. And stabbing myself. Weird ass things like that I can see completely. Sometimes I shake my head to make them go away.
This is why I never wanted to let myself fall for someone. Look. Once I actually give everything I have to Chris. He treats me like shit. AND HE ADMITS IT.
I think the more I want to go home. The more he dosen't go to work. The more he puts off telling his dad.
I have so many plans. I just want to feel loved again. I don't remember what having anyone but Chris feels like. I can't believe after all this time. He tryed acusing me about having sex with matt. I didn't I SWEAR I DIDN'T. You know that I didn't.
I think Chris knows that once we get bvack, everyone is going to treat me good. And that scares him. Whenever I ask anything about money, or leaving, or the car. He freaks out. That's why I don't ever know what's going on. He's like WHY DON'T YOU JUST LEAVE IF YOU WANT TO GO SO BAD. He swears the only reason I even want to go back is because of your birthday. And I keep telling him, no matter how long, you're putting it off for me. And it's like he dosen't believe anything I say. I cut up my leg really badly. And that only made him hate me more.I won't smile for any0one but Chris. Because I don't want him to accuse me of the wrong things.
I try and act hjappy for you. I don't know if I do a good job.
You are happy and that makes me happy.
There is no one to take care of me anymore. I just want to die. More then I have in so long. I want to set Chris free. I want to cut so much. But I don't want him to hate me more before It's completely over. I'v lost everything. I just want to lay down forever.
I don't know if this helps you understand anything. Or what there is , even, to understand.
I'm trying. It's Chris. He didn't go to work for the last 4 days. That's 160 dollars. He went today. FiNALLY. Schools almost over. I want to be there before then so badly. I'm trying to expect to go though, that way I stop being let down.
I cry so much that my eyes always burn and I always have to have tissue with me. And you probably don't believe me. I'm probably full of shit. But thanks for reading. I love you bye.
Well here you go Danielle. ANYONE. Penny.
I don't believe in god. Though for a short time I did.
GOD. Wants nothing to do wirh me. WITH ANYONE FOR THAT MATTER.
Do you remember how it used to be? When Chris didn't want to do anything without me? He would do anything to make me happy, only he was to demanding. He was suspisious, and I always felt like I was doing everything wrong. And then when he found out I was going to go home. TO YOU. He had this break down and convinced me to stay and not be your friend... but then I talked my way around it and he let it be, only being on the computer was frowned apon, and calling too. So I just stopped ever getting on, talking to you, talking to anyone.
But during that time, I had no one. So I clung to Chris. Only the more I did... the more cigarettes he would smoke, the more he would go out all night and I would stay awake looking out the window. Sobbing from 5 minutes before he left until the next morning, long after he god home. It was like he needed to get away from me. No matter how much I needed him, he would still go. I would ask for how long he would be gone, and he would ALWAYS say no more then 2 hours. And then he would be gone for 5. For 8. And he would reak of liquor and cigarettes when he got home. I started being afraid he would hit me, because when he would say something with a rude voice and I would instantly start crying and saying I was sorry and begging him to still love me. And he would say " I DO FUCKING LOVE YOU" and I would say I'm sorry I'm sorry and keep crying and he would say "GOD MAN. EVERYNIGHT" and throw something. So I started jumping and that makes him more mad. And eventually I would lay in bed, all day and try to not cry and do anything possible for Chris. Anything he wanted I would do.
Ity's like it only made him hate me more.
About 4 days ago...something like I just discribed happend in the morning. Before he went to work. And then he left. And came home instead of going. And he layed down and it's like it all started all over again. Only he started saying things like WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO WITHOUT ME. ANd I would say BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO. I WANT US TO GO TOGETHER. And he would yell and throw things. And I just layed there scratching and sobbing. And then he told me we needed a break. And I said NO. No break. We're together or not. And he said THEN NOT. And I told him he didn't mean it and he started yelling for me to get the hell out. That I HAD to get my shit. AND LEAVE. And I just kept crying and he wouldn't let me walk anywhere by myself so I didn't "Go nuts and kill yourself in MY house" and then like after packing some of my shti I convinced him that I wasn't going to ask again. That if he wanted me to go. Just not to sayanything and I would understand, and I would go. And he said no and we were perfect after that. He took me out to lunch and all around and we cuddled. We watched a movie. We watched harry potter too. And then we went to our friends house and then we came home, stayed up all night while I painted. And it was GOOD for once. He cared when I would start to cry and tell me it was okay and that he loved me. And he understood.
It's back to the same old shit though. Or atleast it was all yesterday. I would be sarcastic, and he would get mad. And then he would be mean. And I would feel stupid. He was making fun of my body all yesterday. And he punched me soo hard in my leg I actually cryed and I never have. And then later he asked me something about "STUFF" me and Matt used to do and I answered and he got all quiet and was like "AND YOU NEVER HAD SEX????" And I was like no. I'v told you who I had sex with. Oh I forgot you refuse to believe a girl like me hardly had sex. And he stayed quiet and then in bed he was just like. blahbalhblah it's hard to believe you never gave it up to him.
And I got hysterical. Swearing to god. To everything. That I didn't that I never lied about who I had sex with. And I always felt yucky after I did stuff with Matt because it was just so he would like me. I swore I didn't have sex with him, because I thought that was the only reason he was with me. And I cryed and swore. And I felt sooo discusting. Like It made me remember what idiotic things I did. And it was the worst feeling. NO ONE BELIEVES ME ABOUT ANYTHING.
When I'm driving I'll completely picture Chris stopping to fast and me slamming my head into the window sheild and blood spidering through the glass. I picture drive bys. And stabbing myself. Weird ass things like that I can see completely. Sometimes I shake my head to make them go away.
This is why I never wanted to let myself fall for someone. Look. Once I actually give everything I have to Chris. He treats me like shit. AND HE ADMITS IT.
I think the more I want to go home. The more he dosen't go to work. The more he puts off telling his dad.
I have so many plans. I just want to feel loved again. I don't remember what having anyone but Chris feels like. I can't believe after all this time. He tryed acusing me about having sex with matt. I didn't I SWEAR I DIDN'T. You know that I didn't.
I think Chris knows that once we get bvack, everyone is going to treat me good. And that scares him. Whenever I ask anything about money, or leaving, or the car. He freaks out. That's why I don't ever know what's going on. He's like WHY DON'T YOU JUST LEAVE IF YOU WANT TO GO SO BAD. He swears the only reason I even want to go back is because of your birthday. And I keep telling him, no matter how long, you're putting it off for me. And it's like he dosen't believe anything I say. I cut up my leg really badly. And that only made him hate me more.I won't smile for any0one but Chris. Because I don't want him to accuse me of the wrong things.
I try and act hjappy for you. I don't know if I do a good job.
You are happy and that makes me happy.
There is no one to take care of me anymore. I just want to die. More then I have in so long. I want to set Chris free. I want to cut so much. But I don't want him to hate me more before It's completely over. I'v lost everything. I just want to lay down forever.
I don't know if this helps you understand anything. Or what there is , even, to understand.
I'm trying. It's Chris. He didn't go to work for the last 4 days. That's 160 dollars. He went today. FiNALLY. Schools almost over. I want to be there before then so badly. I'm trying to expect to go though, that way I stop being let down.
I cry so much that my eyes always burn and I always have to have tissue with me. And you probably don't believe me. I'm probably full of shit. But thanks for reading. I love you bye.