Jossverse Big Bang - Memories of the Soul Chapter 1
Title:Memories of the Soul
Author:Penikitty
Artists:scarletshimmer&lunaspec_gimmy
Fandom: Dollhouse
Genres: Het, romance, angst, drama
Word Count:16000
Rating: PG13
Characters/Pairings: Paul/Madeline, some Adelle, Topher and Boyd
Warnings/Spoilers: Spoilers for season 1, AU for season two bar the mention of a couple of events in the first four episodes. Minor violence and language, character death(s), brief mention of non consensual BDSM (very minor!)
Author's Note: Lots of people to thank! Firstly my two wonderful artists scarletshimmer&lunaspec_gimmy. Thank you both so much for all your hard work! Also, thanks to cynicalshadows for being a fabulous Beta. This was written before the conclusion of season 2 but since watching it I have decided this is how I choose to believe it ACTUALLY ended :D
Summary:Madeline is trying to get on with her life since leaving the Dollhouse and Paul is trying to forget the woman he loved. Will they find each other again or will the Dollhouse keep them apart?
Prologue
She was drowning in pain.
Everything was distorted and nothing made sense.
Even the simplest of tasks was impossible.
All she could focus on was the hollow place inside her where her heart and soul used to live.
The gaping hole where her happiness should have been.
All she could see was that moment.
That one moment when she had destroyed everything that was precious to her.
Then, through the fog, she heard a voice, a gentle soothing tone that reached out to her.
“I can help you Madeline, let me help you forget this pain. When you wake up it will have gone, I promise.”
She managed to open her eyes and look at the dark haired woman who was trying to help her.
“What do I have to do?” She asked quietly.
“Just trust me Madeline, say yes and let me help you.”
“Okay,” she whispered, tears marking her cheeks, “okay.”
~~~~~~~~
“Let me hold you for the last time
It’s the last chance to feel again
But you’ve broke me, now I can’t feel anything.”
James Morrison - Broken Strings
She woke up slowly, disorientated and confused. She opened her eyes, trying to figure out where she was and what was going on. Then like a poison seeping into her thoughts the memories came back to her causing her to take a sharp intake of breath. It felt like there was a sledgehammer crushing her chest. She looked up at Topher Brink, sure that she had only been speaking to him seconds before.
“What’s going on? What’s happened?”
“You’re free Miss Costley!” he said, clapping his hands together. “It’s like your birthday, Christmas and Hanukah all at once. Now don’t you feel like a lucky little elf?”
“I uh, I don’t know,” she stammered.
A security guard came in and led her to Adelle’s office, where she signed a non disclosure agreement. She was so disoriented. There were faces in the office, people studying her, but she couldn’t focus on any of them. One man came up to her, seemed to search her face for something she couldn’t give him, before she was escorted from the office.
Adelle had told her that her contract had been finished early but she hadn’t said why. She could only assume they terminated her because she was no good to them or anybody else. When she stepped into the elevator one of her escorts handed her a blindfold which she put on without question. If she knew where the Dollhouse was she would be a liability and she didn’t want that.
They travelled in silence and when the doors opened one of the guards held her lightly at the elbow and led her out, before gently herding her into the back seat of a car. She didn’t know how long it was going to take to get her back to her small LA apartment and, as she leant back against the seat, thoughts of her old life came to the front of her mind.
Katie.
Owen.
The sound of metal screeching.
Screaming his name.
Katie, normally so vocal, suddenly silent.
She felt the emotion burning up through her throat, threatening to escape. She clamped her teeth down and screwed her eyes tight under the blindfold as she felt tears forming. She would not cry again, not anymore. When Adelle had approached her at the hospital it hadn’t taken much to convince her into signing the contract. The need to escape and forget her pain had been overwhelming and she had agreed to the terms instantly. Adelle had told her that her time as a Doll would help numb the pain of her memories.
She’d been wrong.
When she had woken up the memories had still been there like a malignant growth engulfing her heart. Now, instead of being healed, she was in exactly the same emotional state she’d been in before going into the Dollhouse. She pulled herself away from her dark thoughts as she felt the car slowing down.
“You can remove the blindfold now Miss Costley. You’re home.”
Slowly she took the blindfold away from her face, blinking and shielding her eyes as bright sunlight streamed over her face. She handed the blindfold to the stoic guard in the passenger seat and climbed out of the car. It surprised her that the Dollhouse had continued to pay her rent each month but at least it meant she had somewhere to go, at least until her money came through. As the car pulled away she realised this was it, she was alone again.
Grudgingly she made her way into the building and climbed the stairs to her floor before standing in front of her door. It looked just as she remembered it. She wasn’t sure what she thought it would look like. Aged maybe, or dusty to show that no-one had been there for a while, but it looked like a normal door. Brushing away the silly thoughts she put the key in the lock and opened it up. Everything was as she remembered, apart from the sheets covering all the furniture. The mirror above the mantle had a thick layer of dust on it and absently she wiped her hand across it, leaving a thick film of grime on her palm. Looking up she studied her face in the mirror. Nothing had changed. She looked and felt the same as the day she had gone to the Dollhouse, looking for an escape. As far as she could tell her time working for them had done no good at all. She had been promised relief from her guilt but it had all been lies. She’d thought being a Doll would change her and atone for her sins but she felt no different. She still had the same boring face and the same completely unnoticeable brown eyes which were holding the same pain.
With a sigh she realised she was exhausted. Her whole body was aching and her eyes were stinging. Although she’d only been ‘awake’ a few hours she knew her body could have been doing anything before they had put her back in it. She removed the dust sheet from the sofa and picked up the soft blue fleece that was where she had left it two years ago and made her way into the bedroom, collapsing onto the fresh linen sheets that had obviously been changed recently.
~~~~~~~~
She lay in bed, clutching her pink princess duvet, and listening to the shouting coming from the other room. She had been dreaming when it had started again. She shook her head, trying to stop the tears. She wouldn’t listen anymore, she needed to get away.
Crawling, she made her way into the tight space next to her bed and moved towards the far corner where she pressed her back against the wall as far as she could go. She yanked her nightdress down over her feet then pulled her knees up to her chin and covered her ears with her hands. Daddy was angry with Mommy again. She hated it when they were like this; she knew it was her fault. Mommies and Daddies were meant to love each other and be nice to each other. All her friends’ Mommies and Daddies were. What was wrong with her family? Why couldn’t she make them stop fighting? Daddies were meant to look after you, but she knew what was going to happen when he stopped shouting at Mommy. Carefully she moved her hands to see if the shouting had stopped. She held her breath as she listened to the silence coming from the other side of the door and slowly lowered her arms, wrapping them around herself. She felt so bad thinking it, but she wished he’d shouted at Mommy just a little bit longer. She jumped as she heard her bedroom door opening with a slight creek.
“Maddie? Maddie? Get out here you little bitch,” said her Daddy, his voice sounding funny like it did after he had had his special drink.
He had never hurt her, only shouted at her. He called her names like fat and ugly. He told her that it was her fault that he shouted at Mommy. She had tried to change, to make things better, but she was doing something wrong. He was still angry with her. Slowly she crawled back down the side of the bed, terrified of what was coming next.
~~~~~~~~
Madeline screamed as she woke up, sweat covering her whole body. Her breath came in ragged gasps as the nightmare washed over her. It took her a few moments to realise she was safe, in her bed, in her apartment. He wasn’t there. He was dead. Dead for a long time now.
Disorientated she looked at the glowing alarm clock next to her bed, surprised to see it reading one AM. Her heart continued to pound far too quickly in her chest and she took some deep, soothing breaths. As her heart rate began to slow down, the sweat started to cool on her skin and she found herself shivering. She pulled the tangled fleece from under her legs and wrapped it around her shoulders. It had been many years since she had dreamt about her father, years since she had even let herself think about him. She clambered off the bed and made her way to the small kitchen, hoping the whiskey was where she had left it. Bending down in front of the cupboard she closed her eyes, saying a silent prayer before opening the door. When she saw the whiskey bottle she let out a little yip of delight and grabbed it out of the cupboard. Reaching up she got a small glass tumbler out of another cupboard and poured a generous amount of the amber liquid. She threw it back in one go, savouring the burning heat as it flowed down her throat and into her stomach, whilst pouring another. Walking into the living room, her glass in one hand and the bottle in another, she stared out of her window and across LA.
This wasn’t what it was meant to be like. She was meant to be healed. She guzzled the second drink and poured a third. She needed to forget. She had to forget again. She couldn’t live with the pain of her past and she didn’t want a future. Why couldn’t she just have the guts to end this now, do everyone a favour and just be gone again? Tears began to flow freely from her eyes and she collapsed in a heap by the window. As she greedily consumed the third drink she started to feel a pleasant heaviness throughout her limbs. After the fifth drink the tears had dried and she had managed to quiet the roaring pain within her chest. After the seventh drink she passed out quietly on the floor.
~~~~~~~~
Across town, Paul stood in front of what used to be Mellie’s apartment. He had his hands in his pockets and was staring at the door. He had been there for a while, thinking about what he’d done and what he was going to do next, but mostly he’d been thinking about her. As obsessed as he had become with Caroline, it was Mellie he had chosen to save. He had loved her and then he had used her. The guilt had been too much for him to bear so he had asked for her release from the Dollhouse so she could continue her life with no one else using her again. He knew that Mellie had never been real, that the Dollhouse had created her to be his perfect woman, but his feelings couldn’t be as easily erased as a Doll’s. She had been his light when things had gotten so dark. He had no family. His ex wife wanted nothing to do with him and his colleagues thought he was a joke; he had been alone in the world until she had appeared at his door, a huge plate of lasagne in her hands and a tentative smile on her face. He’d been so wrapped up in his case and finding Caroline that it had taken him a while to see what was right in front of him, but when he had...it had been like everything just slipped into place. When he had held her in his arms it had felt as if that was what he had been born to do. How could they programme her to feel so right? How had they known that when they lay next to each other in bed they would fit together perfectly or that the scent of her skin would drive him wild?
When he had seen Madeline before she left the Dollhouse for good he had looked into her eyes, hoping to see a spark of recognition, anything to say she remembered him. He wasn’t going to lie to himself, she had looked at him the way anybody looks at a stranger, blank but polite. Maybe it was better that she didn’t know him; he had, after all, effectively raped her. He couldn’t bear the thought of her looking at him and knowing that, of seeing revulsion and disgust in her eyes. No, it was better that she didn’t remember him. He had hurt Mellie badly at the end and he didn’t want her to have to carry that pain around.
With a deep sigh he dragged himself away from her door and went into his own apartment. It was a mess. There were boxes scattered around from where he had begun packing his belongings. He hadn’t done any washing or cleaning for weeks because he’d been so focused on finding the Dollhouse and bringing them down. But now, instead of destroying them, he was part of the machine. He had achieved his goal, he had found them, but at what cost? He still believed that what they did was wrong and he still wanted to bring the people responsible to justice. He felt sure there was still someone inside the House that wanted to help him, the same person that had programmed Mellie with the fateful message that had turned his world upside-down. Maybe it would be easier to find the person helping him now that he was Echo’s handler? He had to be careful though. There was no way he wanted to end up in the Attic. Adelle had taken great pleasure when she had told him about it, describing in explicit detail what would happen to his body and mind. It was her bargaining chip with all of them, her way to keep them scared and in line.
She’d also told him that he would be living in the Dollhouse now and that a room had been arranged for him. The only reason he was here was to grab some clothes and a few personal items. He knew living inside the Dollhouse would be beneficial in many respects, but he was worried about losing his way. When he had slept with Mellie, after knowing what she was, he had lost a part of himself. He had crossed a line he had never thought he could cross. It had changed him and he didn’t like the person he had become. His final conversation with her echoed in his ears, “Can’t you see this is killing me?” She’d been crying, the agony she was feeling obvious and her pain tangible. He had looked at her, looked into her eyes, seen the tears falling freely and felt so much anger. Anger towards the Dollhouse for creating his perfect woman, a woman who wasn’t real, a woman he had to learn to un-love, a woman he had to leave. “You’ll get over it,” he’d growled before turning his back on her and leaving her broken and alone in his apartment.
He fell onto the sofa, his head in his hands. He had been so cruel to her, blaming her for everything, but he’d quickly realised that it wasn’t her fault. Mellie didn’t know she wasn’t real. She didn’t know that her feelings for him were programmed and that at the flick of a switch they could make her kill him. All she knew was that she loved him and that he had walked away from her, breaking her heart. That was why he had saved her instead of Caroline. He owed her for all the pain and suffering he had caused her. It had been the only way he could alleviate his guilt. He was sure he had done the right thing. Whatever her life was it had to be better than being a slave to someone else’s desires. He got up and made his way into the bedroom, grabbing a bag from the cupboard. He laid it on the bed before opening his wardrobe and pulling out all his shirts and pants which he stuffed into the bag, not caring if they got screwed up or not. As he was packing he noticed an old blue shirt of his lying on the bed. His heart skipped a beat as he realised it was the one Mellie used to sleep in. He gathered it up in his hands and breathed in the scent of the material. As soon as he smelt her sweet perfume his mind filled with images.
The way she kissed him, so gently but with a fiery passion.
The way her skin felt under his hands, soft and smooth.
The way her back would arch as he kissed his way down her body, teasing her.
Her hair trailing across his chest as they fell asleep in each other’s arms.
It was in that moment that he realised what he had lost, what he had had to give up. He hated the Dollhouse for doing this to him. Madeline would not remember their time together; she would not remember the passion they had shared. She’d never know about the time they had sat on her sofa all day watching black and white movies. She wouldn’t know that the Tiki Hut was their favourite restaurant and she wouldn’t remember the time he had bought her the helium balloon cat with the words ‘you’re purrrfect’ across it. For the first time he thought he understood why people would give their lives up to the Dollhouse. If someone offered him a chance to forget Mellie right now he would take it. The pain was almost too much to bear. He had thought he was ok, that he could move on from this, but right now, in this moment, he wasn’t so sure. Carefully he packed the shirt into his bag. He wasn’t going to let go of her just yet.
Author:Penikitty
Artists:scarletshimmer&lunaspec_gimmy
Fandom: Dollhouse
Genres: Het, romance, angst, drama
Word Count:16000
Rating: PG13
Characters/Pairings: Paul/Madeline, some Adelle, Topher and Boyd
Warnings/Spoilers: Spoilers for season 1, AU for season two bar the mention of a couple of events in the first four episodes. Minor violence and language, character death(s), brief mention of non consensual BDSM (very minor!)
Author's Note: Lots of people to thank! Firstly my two wonderful artists scarletshimmer&lunaspec_gimmy. Thank you both so much for all your hard work! Also, thanks to cynicalshadows for being a fabulous Beta. This was written before the conclusion of season 2 but since watching it I have decided this is how I choose to believe it ACTUALLY ended :D
Summary:Madeline is trying to get on with her life since leaving the Dollhouse and Paul is trying to forget the woman he loved. Will they find each other again or will the Dollhouse keep them apart?
Prologue
She was drowning in pain.
Everything was distorted and nothing made sense.
Even the simplest of tasks was impossible.
All she could focus on was the hollow place inside her where her heart and soul used to live.
The gaping hole where her happiness should have been.
All she could see was that moment.
That one moment when she had destroyed everything that was precious to her.
Then, through the fog, she heard a voice, a gentle soothing tone that reached out to her.
“I can help you Madeline, let me help you forget this pain. When you wake up it will have gone, I promise.”
She managed to open her eyes and look at the dark haired woman who was trying to help her.
“What do I have to do?” She asked quietly.
“Just trust me Madeline, say yes and let me help you.”
“Okay,” she whispered, tears marking her cheeks, “okay.”
~~~~~~~~
“Let me hold you for the last time
It’s the last chance to feel again
But you’ve broke me, now I can’t feel anything.”
James Morrison - Broken Strings
She woke up slowly, disorientated and confused. She opened her eyes, trying to figure out where she was and what was going on. Then like a poison seeping into her thoughts the memories came back to her causing her to take a sharp intake of breath. It felt like there was a sledgehammer crushing her chest. She looked up at Topher Brink, sure that she had only been speaking to him seconds before.
“What’s going on? What’s happened?”
“You’re free Miss Costley!” he said, clapping his hands together. “It’s like your birthday, Christmas and Hanukah all at once. Now don’t you feel like a lucky little elf?”
“I uh, I don’t know,” she stammered.
A security guard came in and led her to Adelle’s office, where she signed a non disclosure agreement. She was so disoriented. There were faces in the office, people studying her, but she couldn’t focus on any of them. One man came up to her, seemed to search her face for something she couldn’t give him, before she was escorted from the office.
Adelle had told her that her contract had been finished early but she hadn’t said why. She could only assume they terminated her because she was no good to them or anybody else. When she stepped into the elevator one of her escorts handed her a blindfold which she put on without question. If she knew where the Dollhouse was she would be a liability and she didn’t want that.
They travelled in silence and when the doors opened one of the guards held her lightly at the elbow and led her out, before gently herding her into the back seat of a car. She didn’t know how long it was going to take to get her back to her small LA apartment and, as she leant back against the seat, thoughts of her old life came to the front of her mind.
Katie.
Owen.
The sound of metal screeching.
Screaming his name.
Katie, normally so vocal, suddenly silent.
She felt the emotion burning up through her throat, threatening to escape. She clamped her teeth down and screwed her eyes tight under the blindfold as she felt tears forming. She would not cry again, not anymore. When Adelle had approached her at the hospital it hadn’t taken much to convince her into signing the contract. The need to escape and forget her pain had been overwhelming and she had agreed to the terms instantly. Adelle had told her that her time as a Doll would help numb the pain of her memories.
She’d been wrong.
When she had woken up the memories had still been there like a malignant growth engulfing her heart. Now, instead of being healed, she was in exactly the same emotional state she’d been in before going into the Dollhouse. She pulled herself away from her dark thoughts as she felt the car slowing down.
“You can remove the blindfold now Miss Costley. You’re home.”
Slowly she took the blindfold away from her face, blinking and shielding her eyes as bright sunlight streamed over her face. She handed the blindfold to the stoic guard in the passenger seat and climbed out of the car. It surprised her that the Dollhouse had continued to pay her rent each month but at least it meant she had somewhere to go, at least until her money came through. As the car pulled away she realised this was it, she was alone again.
Grudgingly she made her way into the building and climbed the stairs to her floor before standing in front of her door. It looked just as she remembered it. She wasn’t sure what she thought it would look like. Aged maybe, or dusty to show that no-one had been there for a while, but it looked like a normal door. Brushing away the silly thoughts she put the key in the lock and opened it up. Everything was as she remembered, apart from the sheets covering all the furniture. The mirror above the mantle had a thick layer of dust on it and absently she wiped her hand across it, leaving a thick film of grime on her palm. Looking up she studied her face in the mirror. Nothing had changed. She looked and felt the same as the day she had gone to the Dollhouse, looking for an escape. As far as she could tell her time working for them had done no good at all. She had been promised relief from her guilt but it had all been lies. She’d thought being a Doll would change her and atone for her sins but she felt no different. She still had the same boring face and the same completely unnoticeable brown eyes which were holding the same pain.
With a sigh she realised she was exhausted. Her whole body was aching and her eyes were stinging. Although she’d only been ‘awake’ a few hours she knew her body could have been doing anything before they had put her back in it. She removed the dust sheet from the sofa and picked up the soft blue fleece that was where she had left it two years ago and made her way into the bedroom, collapsing onto the fresh linen sheets that had obviously been changed recently.
~~~~~~~~
She lay in bed, clutching her pink princess duvet, and listening to the shouting coming from the other room. She had been dreaming when it had started again. She shook her head, trying to stop the tears. She wouldn’t listen anymore, she needed to get away.
Crawling, she made her way into the tight space next to her bed and moved towards the far corner where she pressed her back against the wall as far as she could go. She yanked her nightdress down over her feet then pulled her knees up to her chin and covered her ears with her hands. Daddy was angry with Mommy again. She hated it when they were like this; she knew it was her fault. Mommies and Daddies were meant to love each other and be nice to each other. All her friends’ Mommies and Daddies were. What was wrong with her family? Why couldn’t she make them stop fighting? Daddies were meant to look after you, but she knew what was going to happen when he stopped shouting at Mommy. Carefully she moved her hands to see if the shouting had stopped. She held her breath as she listened to the silence coming from the other side of the door and slowly lowered her arms, wrapping them around herself. She felt so bad thinking it, but she wished he’d shouted at Mommy just a little bit longer. She jumped as she heard her bedroom door opening with a slight creek.
“Maddie? Maddie? Get out here you little bitch,” said her Daddy, his voice sounding funny like it did after he had had his special drink.
He had never hurt her, only shouted at her. He called her names like fat and ugly. He told her that it was her fault that he shouted at Mommy. She had tried to change, to make things better, but she was doing something wrong. He was still angry with her. Slowly she crawled back down the side of the bed, terrified of what was coming next.
~~~~~~~~
Madeline screamed as she woke up, sweat covering her whole body. Her breath came in ragged gasps as the nightmare washed over her. It took her a few moments to realise she was safe, in her bed, in her apartment. He wasn’t there. He was dead. Dead for a long time now.
Disorientated she looked at the glowing alarm clock next to her bed, surprised to see it reading one AM. Her heart continued to pound far too quickly in her chest and she took some deep, soothing breaths. As her heart rate began to slow down, the sweat started to cool on her skin and she found herself shivering. She pulled the tangled fleece from under her legs and wrapped it around her shoulders. It had been many years since she had dreamt about her father, years since she had even let herself think about him. She clambered off the bed and made her way to the small kitchen, hoping the whiskey was where she had left it. Bending down in front of the cupboard she closed her eyes, saying a silent prayer before opening the door. When she saw the whiskey bottle she let out a little yip of delight and grabbed it out of the cupboard. Reaching up she got a small glass tumbler out of another cupboard and poured a generous amount of the amber liquid. She threw it back in one go, savouring the burning heat as it flowed down her throat and into her stomach, whilst pouring another. Walking into the living room, her glass in one hand and the bottle in another, she stared out of her window and across LA.
This wasn’t what it was meant to be like. She was meant to be healed. She guzzled the second drink and poured a third. She needed to forget. She had to forget again. She couldn’t live with the pain of her past and she didn’t want a future. Why couldn’t she just have the guts to end this now, do everyone a favour and just be gone again? Tears began to flow freely from her eyes and she collapsed in a heap by the window. As she greedily consumed the third drink she started to feel a pleasant heaviness throughout her limbs. After the fifth drink the tears had dried and she had managed to quiet the roaring pain within her chest. After the seventh drink she passed out quietly on the floor.
~~~~~~~~
Across town, Paul stood in front of what used to be Mellie’s apartment. He had his hands in his pockets and was staring at the door. He had been there for a while, thinking about what he’d done and what he was going to do next, but mostly he’d been thinking about her. As obsessed as he had become with Caroline, it was Mellie he had chosen to save. He had loved her and then he had used her. The guilt had been too much for him to bear so he had asked for her release from the Dollhouse so she could continue her life with no one else using her again. He knew that Mellie had never been real, that the Dollhouse had created her to be his perfect woman, but his feelings couldn’t be as easily erased as a Doll’s. She had been his light when things had gotten so dark. He had no family. His ex wife wanted nothing to do with him and his colleagues thought he was a joke; he had been alone in the world until she had appeared at his door, a huge plate of lasagne in her hands and a tentative smile on her face. He’d been so wrapped up in his case and finding Caroline that it had taken him a while to see what was right in front of him, but when he had...it had been like everything just slipped into place. When he had held her in his arms it had felt as if that was what he had been born to do. How could they programme her to feel so right? How had they known that when they lay next to each other in bed they would fit together perfectly or that the scent of her skin would drive him wild?
When he had seen Madeline before she left the Dollhouse for good he had looked into her eyes, hoping to see a spark of recognition, anything to say she remembered him. He wasn’t going to lie to himself, she had looked at him the way anybody looks at a stranger, blank but polite. Maybe it was better that she didn’t know him; he had, after all, effectively raped her. He couldn’t bear the thought of her looking at him and knowing that, of seeing revulsion and disgust in her eyes. No, it was better that she didn’t remember him. He had hurt Mellie badly at the end and he didn’t want her to have to carry that pain around.
With a deep sigh he dragged himself away from her door and went into his own apartment. It was a mess. There were boxes scattered around from where he had begun packing his belongings. He hadn’t done any washing or cleaning for weeks because he’d been so focused on finding the Dollhouse and bringing them down. But now, instead of destroying them, he was part of the machine. He had achieved his goal, he had found them, but at what cost? He still believed that what they did was wrong and he still wanted to bring the people responsible to justice. He felt sure there was still someone inside the House that wanted to help him, the same person that had programmed Mellie with the fateful message that had turned his world upside-down. Maybe it would be easier to find the person helping him now that he was Echo’s handler? He had to be careful though. There was no way he wanted to end up in the Attic. Adelle had taken great pleasure when she had told him about it, describing in explicit detail what would happen to his body and mind. It was her bargaining chip with all of them, her way to keep them scared and in line.
She’d also told him that he would be living in the Dollhouse now and that a room had been arranged for him. The only reason he was here was to grab some clothes and a few personal items. He knew living inside the Dollhouse would be beneficial in many respects, but he was worried about losing his way. When he had slept with Mellie, after knowing what she was, he had lost a part of himself. He had crossed a line he had never thought he could cross. It had changed him and he didn’t like the person he had become. His final conversation with her echoed in his ears, “Can’t you see this is killing me?” She’d been crying, the agony she was feeling obvious and her pain tangible. He had looked at her, looked into her eyes, seen the tears falling freely and felt so much anger. Anger towards the Dollhouse for creating his perfect woman, a woman who wasn’t real, a woman he had to learn to un-love, a woman he had to leave. “You’ll get over it,” he’d growled before turning his back on her and leaving her broken and alone in his apartment.
He fell onto the sofa, his head in his hands. He had been so cruel to her, blaming her for everything, but he’d quickly realised that it wasn’t her fault. Mellie didn’t know she wasn’t real. She didn’t know that her feelings for him were programmed and that at the flick of a switch they could make her kill him. All she knew was that she loved him and that he had walked away from her, breaking her heart. That was why he had saved her instead of Caroline. He owed her for all the pain and suffering he had caused her. It had been the only way he could alleviate his guilt. He was sure he had done the right thing. Whatever her life was it had to be better than being a slave to someone else’s desires. He got up and made his way into the bedroom, grabbing a bag from the cupboard. He laid it on the bed before opening his wardrobe and pulling out all his shirts and pants which he stuffed into the bag, not caring if they got screwed up or not. As he was packing he noticed an old blue shirt of his lying on the bed. His heart skipped a beat as he realised it was the one Mellie used to sleep in. He gathered it up in his hands and breathed in the scent of the material. As soon as he smelt her sweet perfume his mind filled with images.
The way she kissed him, so gently but with a fiery passion.
The way her skin felt under his hands, soft and smooth.
The way her back would arch as he kissed his way down her body, teasing her.
Her hair trailing across his chest as they fell asleep in each other’s arms.
It was in that moment that he realised what he had lost, what he had had to give up. He hated the Dollhouse for doing this to him. Madeline would not remember their time together; she would not remember the passion they had shared. She’d never know about the time they had sat on her sofa all day watching black and white movies. She wouldn’t know that the Tiki Hut was their favourite restaurant and she wouldn’t remember the time he had bought her the helium balloon cat with the words ‘you’re purrrfect’ across it. For the first time he thought he understood why people would give their lives up to the Dollhouse. If someone offered him a chance to forget Mellie right now he would take it. The pain was almost too much to bear. He had thought he was ok, that he could move on from this, but right now, in this moment, he wasn’t so sure. Carefully he packed the shirt into his bag. He wasn’t going to let go of her just yet.