You know, I'm suffocating, but I blame this town..
I honestly don't know why I let him get to me still. It's been quite a few months since we were last "together" together, and even the fact that I need to make that clarification bothers me. We've had long, drawn out conversations over and over and over again about how we feel strongly about each other, and we care so much...but for some reason he just doesn't feel right with me half the time. Half the time, he doesn't love me the way he feels he should. And half the time, he wants to find someone new.
But in every new relationship he's miserable, and we end up starting up again. And every time some guy or girl shows interest in me, he gets jealous and clings to me and misses me.
This thing with Todd shed light on the subject - I spent the last two months thinking that if I found a new girl or guy to start up something with, I would. But when Gabe brought me a rose and it still sent those crazy butterflies dancing around my stomach, and when he said he loved me and I couldn't help but smile and say it back, I knew that I was wrong. When I still feel so strongly about my exboyfriend, I can't start something up with someone new. I've been the rebound girl before - I'm not putting anyone else through that. It's not fair. Most of the time you end up feeling like you're being used - because whether or not it's intentional, you are. The person doesn't feel as strongly for you as they could, they don't care as much as they should, and they're still pining over love lost. I don't understand how people can move on from relationship to relationship like that - I feel like it cheapens it, like it cheats the other person out of a feeling of stupid happy wonderfulness.
I know that I've been saying it's over with me and Gabe, and that I never want to go back to that place full of hurt and angst...but we all know I'm lying. If Gabe asked me back out right this second I know that there's a good chance I'd say yes - because for all of his flaws, for all of his boystupid and all of the times he's hurt me, he's made me the happiest person I've ever been when he puts forth the effort. I see myself having children with him, marrying him, growing old together - it's ridiculous, but it's the truth. And until I stop feeling quite so strongly (I don't think I'm ever going to stop loving Gabe, but there will be a time when it's not going to be something that I'm this passionate about, I think) I can't mess with someone else's heartstrings.
Gabe, however, has a different view on things, and seems to be running through relationships like water lately. I don't know how I feel about everything right now - I know he needs me as a friend, and that's what I'm here for, but sometimes it really hurts to sit there and listen to him go on and on about how much his life sucks because he can't find that someone special and how every girl is in love with him, and he doesn't want any of them. It hurts to hear him talk about other girls, and how he considers sleeping with them or being with them. It hurts to hear him complain about his exgirlfriend Kate, who's apparently crazy, and causes him a lot of problems at work - but then two days later she'll have spent the night at his house. It hurts. It all just fucking hurts. And I don't know what to do about it - because he's my friend, and I'm here for him. I'm always going to be here for him, no matter how many times he twists the knife a little deeper.
Maybe one day, when I'm a stronger, better person, I'll be better at taking care of myself. Til then I'll settle for taking care of others.
But in every new relationship he's miserable, and we end up starting up again. And every time some guy or girl shows interest in me, he gets jealous and clings to me and misses me.
This thing with Todd shed light on the subject - I spent the last two months thinking that if I found a new girl or guy to start up something with, I would. But when Gabe brought me a rose and it still sent those crazy butterflies dancing around my stomach, and when he said he loved me and I couldn't help but smile and say it back, I knew that I was wrong. When I still feel so strongly about my exboyfriend, I can't start something up with someone new. I've been the rebound girl before - I'm not putting anyone else through that. It's not fair. Most of the time you end up feeling like you're being used - because whether or not it's intentional, you are. The person doesn't feel as strongly for you as they could, they don't care as much as they should, and they're still pining over love lost. I don't understand how people can move on from relationship to relationship like that - I feel like it cheapens it, like it cheats the other person out of a feeling of stupid happy wonderfulness.
I know that I've been saying it's over with me and Gabe, and that I never want to go back to that place full of hurt and angst...but we all know I'm lying. If Gabe asked me back out right this second I know that there's a good chance I'd say yes - because for all of his flaws, for all of his boystupid and all of the times he's hurt me, he's made me the happiest person I've ever been when he puts forth the effort. I see myself having children with him, marrying him, growing old together - it's ridiculous, but it's the truth. And until I stop feeling quite so strongly (I don't think I'm ever going to stop loving Gabe, but there will be a time when it's not going to be something that I'm this passionate about, I think) I can't mess with someone else's heartstrings.
Gabe, however, has a different view on things, and seems to be running through relationships like water lately. I don't know how I feel about everything right now - I know he needs me as a friend, and that's what I'm here for, but sometimes it really hurts to sit there and listen to him go on and on about how much his life sucks because he can't find that someone special and how every girl is in love with him, and he doesn't want any of them. It hurts to hear him talk about other girls, and how he considers sleeping with them or being with them. It hurts to hear him complain about his exgirlfriend Kate, who's apparently crazy, and causes him a lot of problems at work - but then two days later she'll have spent the night at his house. It hurts. It all just fucking hurts. And I don't know what to do about it - because he's my friend, and I'm here for him. I'm always going to be here for him, no matter how many times he twists the knife a little deeper.
Maybe one day, when I'm a stronger, better person, I'll be better at taking care of myself. Til then I'll settle for taking care of others.