I'd Say That I Just Wanted To Post
My overall state this past week has gone from bad to worst. Which kind of sucks. I spent three straight days on the brink of tears/crying randomly. Super special awesome....not. One of the solutions I thought of while sitting alone and bawling (I, for the record, hate crying, which is probably why it was so hard/annoying) I thought that perhaps I wasn't cut out for this and I should quit and head back to UMASS. Obviously not the most desirous of conclusions, that's for sure. But if I have another semester of this....I just can't do it. If I were to quit precisely at the end of this semester then I can head back to America in time for Fall semester and not miss anything. Sure, I won't have any health insurance, friends, I'll have to live in a dorm again and I'll see myself as a giant failure, but is it worth it to stay? For that matter, is it worth it to leave?
That's where I am right now. Not sure where to go, what to do, but I can't handle another semester like this, that's for damn sure. ;_; I used to think that perhaps it was just homesickness, and perhaps it would go away, but it's just been getting worse and it's making me a little frightened. I don't know if I've ever been this unhappy.
And it's not Narumi, and it's not living here. I love staying here and I love being here. I just can't handle going out in the 'real world' and I hate going to school. I'm lonely and I have almost become afraid to talk to people. Me! Afraid to talk to store clerks! It's troubling and my logical side of my brain is laughing it off and the rest of me is terrified that I'll just get worse.
If I stay I know that I can't do the same things. I'm going to have to find something that will give me focus or something to aid me. Like a class I like or studying or taking lessons or something. The bad thing about that is that as I've lost all my motivation I've also lost all my interests in the things I used to be really interested in studying. I've become apathetic and unable to push myself to do anything that I love, even. The things that I used to hold interest in have fizzled and I've found myself unable to even understand why I was interested in them at the beginning.
Overall, it sucks. I don't know what to do and it's really hard to ask for help. The only thing that brings me joy is music now, which is why I asked for some music suggestions a few entries back, but no one responded. Ah well. I'll figure something out.
That's where I am right now. Not sure where to go, what to do, but I can't handle another semester like this, that's for damn sure. ;_; I used to think that perhaps it was just homesickness, and perhaps it would go away, but it's just been getting worse and it's making me a little frightened. I don't know if I've ever been this unhappy.
And it's not Narumi, and it's not living here. I love staying here and I love being here. I just can't handle going out in the 'real world' and I hate going to school. I'm lonely and I have almost become afraid to talk to people. Me! Afraid to talk to store clerks! It's troubling and my logical side of my brain is laughing it off and the rest of me is terrified that I'll just get worse.
If I stay I know that I can't do the same things. I'm going to have to find something that will give me focus or something to aid me. Like a class I like or studying or taking lessons or something. The bad thing about that is that as I've lost all my motivation I've also lost all my interests in the things I used to be really interested in studying. I've become apathetic and unable to push myself to do anything that I love, even. The things that I used to hold interest in have fizzled and I've found myself unable to even understand why I was interested in them at the beginning.
Overall, it sucks. I don't know what to do and it's really hard to ask for help. The only thing that brings me joy is music now, which is why I asked for some music suggestions a few entries back, but no one responded. Ah well. I'll figure something out.