oh good lord, just read it
so heres the question for the day:
do you ever really say goodbye forever when it's someone that you've loved?
do the feelings ever really go away for your first love? is there any way to get over it? or do they permenantly have a part of you that you dont get back? do you ever love someone fully again? or is it just a different kind of love?
so here's the back story to my sappy moment
alright, so tonight was goodbye, for now forever who know? i cant predict the future, i know this now, cause well i thought it was goodbye forever before and mike happened to come back into my life. I was angry, still am, i'm hurt, still am.. is the love gone? not yet.. is it going to be? that i wish i knew..the last time around, i had the hate of being cheated on, and lied to, and burned and heart broken and i worked at making it go away everyday and it didnt..for 6 months it didnt.. then it got stronger, when i wish it hadn't..
the strange thing is, that this time around it seems easier.. i didnt completely fall apart.. maybe its because in the back of my head i knew it was coming somehow.. i dont really exspect much fun mike, never have.. hes not capable of the type of love i want and disserve to be given..i know that now. so why is it so hard to let go of something that isnt that great? why does everything always seem hazy and rose colored looking back? there are times when i only remember the bad times, and times when i only remember the good and the times when i remember both and switch back in forth between being happy and sad so fast that i find myself crying and laughing at the same time.
i'll be honest the thought of not having mike in my life scares the shit out of me, because its never been forever..its never been definate.. this time i think it has to be, that i need it to be that way to be able to be ok. it's to easy to fall back on the so so-ness with mike.. i want something amazing.. i want someone to love me and for me to love them without the underlying hate, and negative history. its so hard to start over though, to learn someone new, get someone to learn everything about you.its so much work and i dont think ive ever ready to put in the effort.. relationships have a tendancy to fall in my lap when im least expecting it.
seems like when im not looking, that i find someone, and right now i have it in my head that i need to find someone and well i cant think otherwise.. im not ok being alone, and i used to be, but after this whole mike thing the first time and the second, i havent been ok being single.. maybe its being here instead of atlanta, maybe its not constantly being around friends.. maybe its not having the backup hook up guy to fall back on.. i dont know all i know is that its different now and i wish it wasnt.
I'm scared.. scared that i'll never be there same.. scared that i dont want to be, because i dont know who i used to be anymore, that girl isnt me now.. so why do i want to be her so bad.. i feel like i'm tainted.. like my outlook is so negative now that i dont know what to do with myself..i know where i'm going in life as far as school.. i know who i am and what i like and what i want.. but i dont know how to get the emotional things i need..
in the back of my head, whether i want mike or not, i still want him to want me.. i need to know that theres someone out there who wants me.. hes not that person though.. he may say he loves me, and cares about me and values me as a friend but he doesnt.. or he doesnt in the way i want him to.. this is what i asked of him.. the one condition for me to talk to him, to be his friend.. i wanted him to be single for 4 months, the same time i waited for him, i wanted him to stop talking to nikki..and i wanted him to let me make the choice.. and he wouldnt do it.. i told him to think about it.. and well we'll see.. we'll see that when and if he makes a choice if ill even care..
i really want to get to the point where i dont care one way or another, right now there are still too many emotions involved in the situation.. and i dont know how im going to feel from one moment to the next. its hard for me to get the thoughts out of my head that i thought that he was the man i was going to spend the rest of my life with, grow old with and have babies with..its hard for me to realize that he isnt the "one" and that maybe he never was.
when it comes down to it.. im scared..im lonely..im sad..im confused..and i dont know what to do.. someone please give me some sort of insight besides.. fuck him because i know that, fuck him i need someone more that that..from someone whos been through love and back.. this means you cici!!
do you ever really say goodbye forever when it's someone that you've loved?
do the feelings ever really go away for your first love? is there any way to get over it? or do they permenantly have a part of you that you dont get back? do you ever love someone fully again? or is it just a different kind of love?
so here's the back story to my sappy moment
alright, so tonight was goodbye, for now forever who know? i cant predict the future, i know this now, cause well i thought it was goodbye forever before and mike happened to come back into my life. I was angry, still am, i'm hurt, still am.. is the love gone? not yet.. is it going to be? that i wish i knew..the last time around, i had the hate of being cheated on, and lied to, and burned and heart broken and i worked at making it go away everyday and it didnt..for 6 months it didnt.. then it got stronger, when i wish it hadn't..
the strange thing is, that this time around it seems easier.. i didnt completely fall apart.. maybe its because in the back of my head i knew it was coming somehow.. i dont really exspect much fun mike, never have.. hes not capable of the type of love i want and disserve to be given..i know that now. so why is it so hard to let go of something that isnt that great? why does everything always seem hazy and rose colored looking back? there are times when i only remember the bad times, and times when i only remember the good and the times when i remember both and switch back in forth between being happy and sad so fast that i find myself crying and laughing at the same time.
i'll be honest the thought of not having mike in my life scares the shit out of me, because its never been forever..its never been definate.. this time i think it has to be, that i need it to be that way to be able to be ok. it's to easy to fall back on the so so-ness with mike.. i want something amazing.. i want someone to love me and for me to love them without the underlying hate, and negative history. its so hard to start over though, to learn someone new, get someone to learn everything about you.its so much work and i dont think ive ever ready to put in the effort.. relationships have a tendancy to fall in my lap when im least expecting it.
seems like when im not looking, that i find someone, and right now i have it in my head that i need to find someone and well i cant think otherwise.. im not ok being alone, and i used to be, but after this whole mike thing the first time and the second, i havent been ok being single.. maybe its being here instead of atlanta, maybe its not constantly being around friends.. maybe its not having the backup hook up guy to fall back on.. i dont know all i know is that its different now and i wish it wasnt.
I'm scared.. scared that i'll never be there same.. scared that i dont want to be, because i dont know who i used to be anymore, that girl isnt me now.. so why do i want to be her so bad.. i feel like i'm tainted.. like my outlook is so negative now that i dont know what to do with myself..i know where i'm going in life as far as school.. i know who i am and what i like and what i want.. but i dont know how to get the emotional things i need..
in the back of my head, whether i want mike or not, i still want him to want me.. i need to know that theres someone out there who wants me.. hes not that person though.. he may say he loves me, and cares about me and values me as a friend but he doesnt.. or he doesnt in the way i want him to.. this is what i asked of him.. the one condition for me to talk to him, to be his friend.. i wanted him to be single for 4 months, the same time i waited for him, i wanted him to stop talking to nikki..and i wanted him to let me make the choice.. and he wouldnt do it.. i told him to think about it.. and well we'll see.. we'll see that when and if he makes a choice if ill even care..
i really want to get to the point where i dont care one way or another, right now there are still too many emotions involved in the situation.. and i dont know how im going to feel from one moment to the next. its hard for me to get the thoughts out of my head that i thought that he was the man i was going to spend the rest of my life with, grow old with and have babies with..its hard for me to realize that he isnt the "one" and that maybe he never was.
when it comes down to it.. im scared..im lonely..im sad..im confused..and i dont know what to do.. someone please give me some sort of insight besides.. fuck him because i know that, fuck him i need someone more that that..from someone whos been through love and back.. this means you cici!!