so tired of it..
i'm in one of those down on myself hate everything about life, cant get it out of my head moods.. i thought that reading a book about break ups would make me feel better.. ohh no, made me feel worse..reminded me of what i dont have that everyone else im around seems to have to the extreme.. every last one of my friends is in the "perfect i'm so happy relationship".. it makes me fucking sick of them and sick of myself.. i almost rather be alone and not talk to anyone then to be around another couple for another second.. i try to move on think my life is in such a great place, im growing, im better off not being in a bad relationship, but being the only person among a group of happy couples makes me feel like the 3rd, the 5th, the 7th whatever wheel i am.. that i'm not welcome.. my shitty piece of crap abusive relationship is looking really good to try and go back to right now because its better than being alone.. and then i wonder why i am alone, and why everyone else is happy.. what they have that i dont, well ive decided that i'm not in school, so i need to do that, but no gotta wait till fall.. i need to get a job, maybe that will get my mind off of things, problem is, i cant seem to find one.. i need to move.. well it seems to be the last thing on my fathers mind that i need to be on the other side of town because his life and his problems are so much more important than anything i could be going through.. for fucks sake he cant spend 2 minutes on a problem i feel like talking about without turning it to be about him or walking away because he doesnt want to deal with it.. and last but not least, i should be meeting a new man, but tell me how do you meet someone new? most people have their friends fix them up, which was always an easy task in the past.. or just go guy hunting with one of your single gal pals.. problem, i dont have any.. yes i am venting right now so i dont want anyone to get pissed but i need to get this out.. latley it seems that kimie is so happy with damien that hes the only person she wants to spend time with and i'm the one she see whens she cant see him.. same with candace.. cant see sabrina if there is a possibility that bobby might be around.. and there ya go my two friends that i could possibly hang out with, the rest of my friends are 3000 miles away where i cant get, but even all of them are too damn busy to even speak with me, and they too are all in relationships, while they may not be wonderful i envy the shitty relationship because at least they have one.. i dont know where the turning point was where i ran into the downward spirial that is my life when i get alone and depressed.. when i feel bad about one thing in my life everything else is soon to follow.. i mean hell i feel bad about everything right now, and when i try to fix it there is some mental or physical object in my face yelling "you cant do this, because you dont have_____ (fill in the blank)" i'm tired of it, this is the point last year, that i gave up on trying my "fabulous new life" and went back to what i knew.. what was familar, which really is nothing now, because everyone has changed, and i feel stuck in the same place.. or maybe i changed so much and everyone else is the same and i cant see the difference.. i want to get up tommorrow.. go actually get a job, not worrying about that im supossed to move and there is no point, there is a point i need something to do with my time because obviously my friends arent cutting it.. and then i want to go to the gym, to work out as long as i can, to try and feel better about my body, that isnt good enough for my mind, and i dont know why and never will.. i'm starting to think no matter who says i'm beautiful, ill never believe it.. so while i'm trying to change the things i know something will get in the way, or i will get an interview only to be rejected.. or something, what it is, i cant look on the bright side right now and all i want to do is cry, and cant seem to think of anyone who gives a shit.. for the first time in my life i cant go through my phone and know of anyone i can talk to, who would understand or even take the time to listen..and i'm so fucking tired of it, i cant take it anymore