Star Trek TOS Season 3, Part 3
After this, I only have 6 more episodes of TOS!
What I've learned? I enjoy, deeply, the unhinged episodes of TOS. Also if I ever cosplay a TOS woman, I'm going to make arm bands with handprint/impressions on them for my upper arms. Because grabbing? Can't stop, won't stop. At least during this portion of the season one woman says, "Ouch, you're hurting me" when Kirk does it YET AGAIN. Need to kiss? Get a woman to pay attention? Move someone? Mildly frustrated? Totally angry? In love? GRAB HER BY THE UPPER ARMS.
Anyway. Onto the reviews.
S3E13: Elaan of Troyius
Rating: 6/10
Notes: Me: I think that season 3 of TOS is surprisingly horny. This ep: HOLD MY NACELLES. The Troyans and the Elans are going to destroy each other so their solution is to send a soft-serve ice-cream haired green guy to pick up a bride from the enemy and train her. Taming of the Shrew/My Fair Lady happens on our “savage” Cleopatra. Green guy fails so Kirk takes over because he gets off on not obeying her and trying to subjugate her.
She’s a brat. He threatens to give her spankings. This is enough to make her cry her sex-tears on him and then once they make him fall in love with her, she’s like: About those spankings again? “I’ll show you later” STAR TREK YOU ARE SO SAUCY. Somehow the Klingons get involved, one of her guards sabotages the ship and it all gets very life-and-death. Kirk keeps telling her to go away because she’s distracting but she keeps showing up. It’s pretty annoying.
McCoy finds a sex-tear antidote, but Kirk doesn’t need it because he’s already in love with his ship. Of course.
S3E14: Whom Gods Destroy
Rating: 7/10
Notes: More maniacal laughter than you can shake a phaser at! Unhinged Trek is my favorite Trek. They beam down to an insane asylum and the guy is like, “Haha, the force field is up, now you must have dinner!” only he’s not the guy, he’s a nutter who can shape-shift into the guy.
The nutter used to be a captain. Now he wants to take over the universe. After lots of dicking around playing passwords (Kirk is never going to do that, m’dude) and some unhinged poetry and dance routines and trying to get his crazy lover to kill Kirk…he crowns himself king of the universe with a fancy chair and everything. He kills his crazy lover. Eventually he and Kirk get into a battle as Kirk and Kirk. They finally get him to take his space Zoloft and…he’s fine. Doesn’t remember being a maniac at all. WE SOLVED MENTAL ILLNESS GUYS.
S3E15: Let That Be Your Last Battlefield
Rating: 5/10
Notes: Space Sneeches let us know that RACISM IS BAD. A half-black-half-white dude takes a shuttle and is intercepted by the Enterprise. Even though he’s like, “I’m clearly escaping something really bad” Kirk calls him a dirty rotten thief and is kinda harsh considering he wants political asylum. Other half-black-half-white dude intercepts the ship and demands the prisoner so he can be killed. Because he’s inferior and has been leading a revolt. At one point he’s like, “Come on, we don’t even ENSLAVE your people anymore, what’s your problem?!”
2nd dude takes control of the ship with his mind. This really pisses Kirk off. Second dude keeps doing things like this and then backing down. Kirk seemingly has no REAL way to stop him, he keeps fucking with the ship, and then when Kirk is like “no no….” he backs down. “Okay, I won’t do it again…for 4 minutes…” It’s annoying. So is Kirk’s flippy-flopping on justice and the like. They finally go to the planet and everyone has been killed because racism. So glad we solved that now, AMIRIGHT?
S3E16: The Mark of Gideon
Rating: 4/10
Notes: The Enterprise loses Kirk in transport AGAIN and by this time you think they’d figure out that it’s always some weirdo alien ruse. “Start up the space scans Sulu” “That’ll take forever!” “Just like last time…”
So overpopulated planet needs Kirk’s blood to infect them with a virus. Kirk is like: WTF, haven’t you people heard of condoms (for REAL, only he doesn't say the word) as we see people bumping against each other DRESSED LIKE SPERM FROM the Woody Allen Everything You Wanted to Know About Sex movie. Head dude is like: OMG, no, we can’t interfere with conception. Life is sacred. Now give me your viral euthanasia blood. They infected dude’s daughter but she can’t be used instead because she needs to set an example by dying. LIFE IS SACRED. They save the daughter. They are going to use her blood instead to kill a bunch of people. SO SACRED, THE LIFE. This is much easier than rolling on a Trojan every now and then, I guess.
S3E17: That Which Survives
Rating: 4/5
Notes: Kirk, Bones, Sulu and heretofore unknown geologist D’A…something beam down to the planet. The geologist isn’t wearing red, but I think you know where this is going so I’m not going to look up his name. As they beam down the Enterprise is flung across space (about 1000 light years away, but Spock is a real dick about the only female helmsman we see rounding slightly…this is a pattern in this episode-Spock being pedantic to the woman. Because girls are so bad at being precise, you see! 1969!).
As they beam down a hot woman touches and kills the transport operator. Then on the planet it’s lights-out for the geologist. This woman only kills the person she’s tuned to. If she touches you when she’s not “for you” it’s fine. The Enterprise finally returns just as the remaining trio are about to be touched by this woman in triplicate. Turns out, she’s a replica of the old leader, set up as a defense system for the planet. They shoot the computer, she disappears, they learn the whole story. She almost killed them all but we end on the profound shared discussion: But wasn’t she hot tho?
S3E18: The Lights of Zetar
Rating: 3/10
Notes: Scotty is in love with a very pliant shell of a character. You can tell she’s very pliant because everyone (who is a boy) calls her “girl” or “the girl” or “lass” instead of Lieutenant and she never even hits one of them. She’s so pliant that when alien fireworks come they take over her brain to try to live on.
They put her in a pressure chamber to squeeze the aliens out of her. Like an alien zit. Or orange juice. Or something. I know you’re thinking: holy crap why would they do that it seems like a very bad idea, but It works without killing her…somehow. Spock speculates that she fought for her identity hard despite being pliant so perhaps she really was quite strong. Kirk: yeah, but instead of her being great and doing it on her own because she’s smart and strong…what if we attributed that to Scotty instead. McCoy: Girls can only be great when men love them. Or something. Spock: Fascinating.
What I've learned? I enjoy, deeply, the unhinged episodes of TOS. Also if I ever cosplay a TOS woman, I'm going to make arm bands with handprint/impressions on them for my upper arms. Because grabbing? Can't stop, won't stop. At least during this portion of the season one woman says, "Ouch, you're hurting me" when Kirk does it YET AGAIN. Need to kiss? Get a woman to pay attention? Move someone? Mildly frustrated? Totally angry? In love? GRAB HER BY THE UPPER ARMS.
Anyway. Onto the reviews.
S3E13: Elaan of Troyius
Rating: 6/10
Notes: Me: I think that season 3 of TOS is surprisingly horny. This ep: HOLD MY NACELLES. The Troyans and the Elans are going to destroy each other so their solution is to send a soft-serve ice-cream haired green guy to pick up a bride from the enemy and train her. Taming of the Shrew/My Fair Lady happens on our “savage” Cleopatra. Green guy fails so Kirk takes over because he gets off on not obeying her and trying to subjugate her.
She’s a brat. He threatens to give her spankings. This is enough to make her cry her sex-tears on him and then once they make him fall in love with her, she’s like: About those spankings again? “I’ll show you later” STAR TREK YOU ARE SO SAUCY. Somehow the Klingons get involved, one of her guards sabotages the ship and it all gets very life-and-death. Kirk keeps telling her to go away because she’s distracting but she keeps showing up. It’s pretty annoying.
McCoy finds a sex-tear antidote, but Kirk doesn’t need it because he’s already in love with his ship. Of course.
S3E14: Whom Gods Destroy
Rating: 7/10
Notes: More maniacal laughter than you can shake a phaser at! Unhinged Trek is my favorite Trek. They beam down to an insane asylum and the guy is like, “Haha, the force field is up, now you must have dinner!” only he’s not the guy, he’s a nutter who can shape-shift into the guy.
The nutter used to be a captain. Now he wants to take over the universe. After lots of dicking around playing passwords (Kirk is never going to do that, m’dude) and some unhinged poetry and dance routines and trying to get his crazy lover to kill Kirk…he crowns himself king of the universe with a fancy chair and everything. He kills his crazy lover. Eventually he and Kirk get into a battle as Kirk and Kirk. They finally get him to take his space Zoloft and…he’s fine. Doesn’t remember being a maniac at all. WE SOLVED MENTAL ILLNESS GUYS.
S3E15: Let That Be Your Last Battlefield
Rating: 5/10
Notes: Space Sneeches let us know that RACISM IS BAD. A half-black-half-white dude takes a shuttle and is intercepted by the Enterprise. Even though he’s like, “I’m clearly escaping something really bad” Kirk calls him a dirty rotten thief and is kinda harsh considering he wants political asylum. Other half-black-half-white dude intercepts the ship and demands the prisoner so he can be killed. Because he’s inferior and has been leading a revolt. At one point he’s like, “Come on, we don’t even ENSLAVE your people anymore, what’s your problem?!”
2nd dude takes control of the ship with his mind. This really pisses Kirk off. Second dude keeps doing things like this and then backing down. Kirk seemingly has no REAL way to stop him, he keeps fucking with the ship, and then when Kirk is like “no no….” he backs down. “Okay, I won’t do it again…for 4 minutes…” It’s annoying. So is Kirk’s flippy-flopping on justice and the like. They finally go to the planet and everyone has been killed because racism. So glad we solved that now, AMIRIGHT?
S3E16: The Mark of Gideon
Rating: 4/10
Notes: The Enterprise loses Kirk in transport AGAIN and by this time you think they’d figure out that it’s always some weirdo alien ruse. “Start up the space scans Sulu” “That’ll take forever!” “Just like last time…”
So overpopulated planet needs Kirk’s blood to infect them with a virus. Kirk is like: WTF, haven’t you people heard of condoms (for REAL, only he doesn't say the word) as we see people bumping against each other DRESSED LIKE SPERM FROM the Woody Allen Everything You Wanted to Know About Sex movie. Head dude is like: OMG, no, we can’t interfere with conception. Life is sacred. Now give me your viral euthanasia blood. They infected dude’s daughter but she can’t be used instead because she needs to set an example by dying. LIFE IS SACRED. They save the daughter. They are going to use her blood instead to kill a bunch of people. SO SACRED, THE LIFE. This is much easier than rolling on a Trojan every now and then, I guess.
S3E17: That Which Survives
Rating: 4/5
Notes: Kirk, Bones, Sulu and heretofore unknown geologist D’A…something beam down to the planet. The geologist isn’t wearing red, but I think you know where this is going so I’m not going to look up his name. As they beam down the Enterprise is flung across space (about 1000 light years away, but Spock is a real dick about the only female helmsman we see rounding slightly…this is a pattern in this episode-Spock being pedantic to the woman. Because girls are so bad at being precise, you see! 1969!).
As they beam down a hot woman touches and kills the transport operator. Then on the planet it’s lights-out for the geologist. This woman only kills the person she’s tuned to. If she touches you when she’s not “for you” it’s fine. The Enterprise finally returns just as the remaining trio are about to be touched by this woman in triplicate. Turns out, she’s a replica of the old leader, set up as a defense system for the planet. They shoot the computer, she disappears, they learn the whole story. She almost killed them all but we end on the profound shared discussion: But wasn’t she hot tho?
S3E18: The Lights of Zetar
Rating: 3/10
Notes: Scotty is in love with a very pliant shell of a character. You can tell she’s very pliant because everyone (who is a boy) calls her “girl” or “the girl” or “lass” instead of Lieutenant and she never even hits one of them. She’s so pliant that when alien fireworks come they take over her brain to try to live on.
They put her in a pressure chamber to squeeze the aliens out of her. Like an alien zit. Or orange juice. Or something. I know you’re thinking: holy crap why would they do that it seems like a very bad idea, but It works without killing her…somehow. Spock speculates that she fought for her identity hard despite being pliant so perhaps she really was quite strong. Kirk: yeah, but instead of her being great and doing it on her own because she’s smart and strong…what if we attributed that to Scotty instead. McCoy: Girls can only be great when men love them. Or something. Spock: Fascinating.