Star Trek TOS Season 3, Part 2
The one thing about TOS-era Star Trek is they all physically handle women the same way. It's annoying how many times they put the death grip on a woman's upper arm. Passionate embrace? ARM GRIP. Need to shake some sense into her? ARM GRIP. Need her to move a little to the left? ARM GRIP. Kissing? ARM GRIP. The concealer budget for upper arm bruising must have been huge.
Anyway. Here are six more episodes. One really starts to see where fanfic was born, here.
S3E7: Day of the Dove
Rating: 6/10
Notes: A floating sparkly spot that just TOTALLY gets off on violence traps an equal number of Enterprise crew and blackface Klingon crew together and makes them mad at each other by any means necessary. Homicidal glitter isn’t satisfied by normal violence, it has to be ancient violence, leading to the kicky old-fashioned swordfight scenes we all know and love. There’s some light sexual assault (as if anyone would DARE with a modern Klingon woman) because, well, you know. Then after stopping the assault Kirk manhandles the victim more. Because, well, Kirk. They just toss women around on this show. The upper arm bruises alone had to incur a huge concealer budget.
Oh, Klingon and Kirk both agree that they don’t want to fight in perpetuity. So they laugh at the murder sparkle until it goes away, humiliated, probably.
S3E8: For the World is Hollow and I Have Touched the Sky
Rating: 4/10
Notes: Makasa is waking! Just kidding. All the symbols and oracles look like that though. Ancient ceremony rooms, computer as a god, you know, classic trek. Oh noes, McCoy is going to die. Oh noes, they get trapped on a spaceship the people think is a planet. Oh noes, McCoy falls in love (see, I told you he’s the real ladies man of Trek). He’s going to die anyway, so might as well get married, stay and try to prevent the ship from crashing into anything.
After some light zapping-porn they figure out the controls, etc. They leave the spaceship and its bewildered people on their own. Good luck with your disproven religion guys! Hope it doesn’t tear apart the whole conceit of your society or anything. Oh, and they heal McCoy. Obs. So much for that marriage of his-we’ll never hear about this woman again.
S3E9: The Tholian Web
Rating: 4/10
Notes: Brigadoon space madness time portal ship! Given that description surprisingly little happens. Everyone has taken fashion tips from the Gorn and the space suits are now sparkle-fabulous instead of looking like oven bags. They beam over to a ship stuck in interphase (which has driven everyone mad and they all killed each other). They try to beam back, but Kirk is left behind. The ship disappears. Spock and an alien ship get tetchy and the aliens start to make a VERY SLOW craft-project web around the enterprise. Everyone is going space-mad. OMG they have 20 minutes to save Kirk and get out of the web…but McCoy (who has been snipping and sniping at Spock) synthesized a space cure for the madness and with 20 MINUTES TO GET THE SHIP WORKING Scotty decides to see if it mixes well with Scotch.
Apparently Scotty works well drunk, they get Kirk back, they uh…escape the web because it never mattered in the first place, and McCoy and Spock have a good laugh lying to Kirk about reading his final orders. I thought Vulcans couldn’t lie, but apparently they can if it’s for the lolz.
S3E10: Plato’s Stepchildren
Rating: 9/10
Notes: Man, you give an ancient race ancient powers and they’re just going to be dicks. Every single time. Kirk, Spock and McCoy get trapped by mind control amateur philosophers in togas (see, they even sound like dicks before they DO anything). They make them do humiliating things with the mind control. 1000 fanfics were born.
This is the interracial kiss episode. Only it’s under mind control, so? I’m not impressed guys. Especially not when the next move is Kirk cracking a whip at Uhura. Um. It’s not a good look.
McCoy is all “any mind control you can do, I can synthesize better” and that kicks in just in time. Even those these people have been nothing but lying dicks they’re like: I guess we’ll just have to trust that you’ll be fine here with all your powers and no consequences. We’re taking the little person with us. Yoink. You’ll never hear about him again. Poor Alexander, we knew thee well.
S3E11: Wink of an Eye
Rating: 7/10
Notes: It’s time for Super Speedy Space Swingers! There’s an alien species that moves really fast, and the men became sterile, so they have to kidnap some other men (a redshirt, then Kirk) to uh…repopulate…every now and then. Space Swinger wife has the hots for Kirk and her husband is kinda miffed about how much she enjoys what she has to do.
Kirk and husband get in a pillow fight at one point. Spock figures out how to get to the same frequency with an antidote, so he does. All of a sudden he’s moving at the same speed and there and Kirk does not react at all. They leave the super speedy space swingers and are like: Don’t do that again. They underestimate the thirst of a fast-moving woman.
S3E12: The Empath
Rating: 4/10
Notes: Advanced aliens are testing out another empathic healer alien to see if she’ll sacrifice herself and her species is, therefore, worthy of saving. To do this, they bring Kirk, Spock and McCoy to their kinky torture dungeon and hang shirtless Kirk up by the wrists to torture until the audience comes. Presumably. Then they do it to McCoy only, funny, they don’t care about taking his shirt off. K,S&M: You really don’t have to torture us to death to prove your point. Advanced aliens: BUT WE LIKE IT THOUGH. K,S&M: Okay, fair point.
My ratings clearly have no meaning anymore. I've gone off the rails.
Anyway. Here are six more episodes. One really starts to see where fanfic was born, here.
S3E7: Day of the Dove
Rating: 6/10
Notes: A floating sparkly spot that just TOTALLY gets off on violence traps an equal number of Enterprise crew and blackface Klingon crew together and makes them mad at each other by any means necessary. Homicidal glitter isn’t satisfied by normal violence, it has to be ancient violence, leading to the kicky old-fashioned swordfight scenes we all know and love. There’s some light sexual assault (as if anyone would DARE with a modern Klingon woman) because, well, you know. Then after stopping the assault Kirk manhandles the victim more. Because, well, Kirk. They just toss women around on this show. The upper arm bruises alone had to incur a huge concealer budget.
Oh, Klingon and Kirk both agree that they don’t want to fight in perpetuity. So they laugh at the murder sparkle until it goes away, humiliated, probably.
S3E8: For the World is Hollow and I Have Touched the Sky
Rating: 4/10
Notes: Makasa is waking! Just kidding. All the symbols and oracles look like that though. Ancient ceremony rooms, computer as a god, you know, classic trek. Oh noes, McCoy is going to die. Oh noes, they get trapped on a spaceship the people think is a planet. Oh noes, McCoy falls in love (see, I told you he’s the real ladies man of Trek). He’s going to die anyway, so might as well get married, stay and try to prevent the ship from crashing into anything.
After some light zapping-porn they figure out the controls, etc. They leave the spaceship and its bewildered people on their own. Good luck with your disproven religion guys! Hope it doesn’t tear apart the whole conceit of your society or anything. Oh, and they heal McCoy. Obs. So much for that marriage of his-we’ll never hear about this woman again.
S3E9: The Tholian Web
Rating: 4/10
Notes: Brigadoon space madness time portal ship! Given that description surprisingly little happens. Everyone has taken fashion tips from the Gorn and the space suits are now sparkle-fabulous instead of looking like oven bags. They beam over to a ship stuck in interphase (which has driven everyone mad and they all killed each other). They try to beam back, but Kirk is left behind. The ship disappears. Spock and an alien ship get tetchy and the aliens start to make a VERY SLOW craft-project web around the enterprise. Everyone is going space-mad. OMG they have 20 minutes to save Kirk and get out of the web…but McCoy (who has been snipping and sniping at Spock) synthesized a space cure for the madness and with 20 MINUTES TO GET THE SHIP WORKING Scotty decides to see if it mixes well with Scotch.
Apparently Scotty works well drunk, they get Kirk back, they uh…escape the web because it never mattered in the first place, and McCoy and Spock have a good laugh lying to Kirk about reading his final orders. I thought Vulcans couldn’t lie, but apparently they can if it’s for the lolz.
S3E10: Plato’s Stepchildren
Rating: 9/10
Notes: Man, you give an ancient race ancient powers and they’re just going to be dicks. Every single time. Kirk, Spock and McCoy get trapped by mind control amateur philosophers in togas (see, they even sound like dicks before they DO anything). They make them do humiliating things with the mind control. 1000 fanfics were born.
This is the interracial kiss episode. Only it’s under mind control, so? I’m not impressed guys. Especially not when the next move is Kirk cracking a whip at Uhura. Um. It’s not a good look.
McCoy is all “any mind control you can do, I can synthesize better” and that kicks in just in time. Even those these people have been nothing but lying dicks they’re like: I guess we’ll just have to trust that you’ll be fine here with all your powers and no consequences. We’re taking the little person with us. Yoink. You’ll never hear about him again. Poor Alexander, we knew thee well.
S3E11: Wink of an Eye
Rating: 7/10
Notes: It’s time for Super Speedy Space Swingers! There’s an alien species that moves really fast, and the men became sterile, so they have to kidnap some other men (a redshirt, then Kirk) to uh…repopulate…every now and then. Space Swinger wife has the hots for Kirk and her husband is kinda miffed about how much she enjoys what she has to do.
Kirk and husband get in a pillow fight at one point. Spock figures out how to get to the same frequency with an antidote, so he does. All of a sudden he’s moving at the same speed and there and Kirk does not react at all. They leave the super speedy space swingers and are like: Don’t do that again. They underestimate the thirst of a fast-moving woman.
S3E12: The Empath
Rating: 4/10
Notes: Advanced aliens are testing out another empathic healer alien to see if she’ll sacrifice herself and her species is, therefore, worthy of saving. To do this, they bring Kirk, Spock and McCoy to their kinky torture dungeon and hang shirtless Kirk up by the wrists to torture until the audience comes. Presumably. Then they do it to McCoy only, funny, they don’t care about taking his shirt off. K,S&M: You really don’t have to torture us to death to prove your point. Advanced aliens: BUT WE LIKE IT THOUGH. K,S&M: Okay, fair point.
My ratings clearly have no meaning anymore. I've gone off the rails.