I've been doing some thinking...
It's amazing how fast your life can get fucked up without you even realizing it. I was reading this morning, just enjoying the fact that I got to sleep in. My lights were off and I lit my candles and shut my door. I was just relaxed. But it got me to thinking...These past couple weeks, I haven't been a truly happy girl. I just thought it was b/c I was on my period and I was PMSing and what not, but this week, I haven't had my period and I thought I would go back to being happy again. But, I didn't. And I realized why I'm not happy. I'm not happy with my life and I'm not happy with myself. I'm not happy with my life b/c I want more. I feel like I'm already stuck in a rut; like my life already has a routine. I don't want to have a routine to my life. I wanna do something wild and crazy and spontaneous. I mean, the image that other people have of me is that I'm a nice, athletic, smart girl who has a cop for a daddy so she's a good girl. There's nothing wrong with that, I don't wanna be a slut or a pot-head or somethin like that. But just for once, I wanna break away and do something really uncharacteristic of me. I feel like i'm just going through the motions. But I'm unhappy with myself b/c of the fact that I want more. I'm just being selfish. I mean, I already have so much. I have great, loving, caring parents who are just trying to protect me. They just don't want nething to happen to me so they don't let me do a lot of things. I have good grades, which makes life a lot easier and it's just good to have good grades. haha Plus, I have a frickin scholarship to play soccer at CMU next year. People prolly are like "what more could u possibly want, psycho?" But I just need something different in my life. Even if something spontaneous happened to me, that would be great. I just need change and maybe college will give me that change, maybe it won't. I don't know at this point and I don't know what to do about it. My family isn't rich so I highly doubt that I'll be able to go anywhere for Spring Break. I was really looking forward to that being my outlet; the chance for me to be carefree and PARENTS-free for a lil bit and to be wild without worrying. But b/c of money, I don't think I'm gonna be able to go newhere. But shit happens...whatever. I also had my ultrasound on my breast yesterday. I didn't get a mammogram b/c they don't give those to girls my age. It went well and everything and I looked on the computer screen to see what the doctor was looking at. The doctor would stop and take a picture in certain areas and type stuff into the computer and when she did that, I could see normal tissue and everything, but there was also a black hole in the tissue. She measured it with a green line on the computer and saved the picture or whatever. I only saw one b/c I was scared to look at the computer. (I hate human anatomy and stuff like this makes me queezy haha) But I looked online to see what that black hole was and it's a cyst. The doctor hasn't said nething fer sure b/c they aren't open today or tomorrow. I have to wait until Sunday, but at least I have an idea of what it is. My mom's freaking out b/c she keep saying "You're only 17 years old! You shouldn't have to deal with stuff like this at your age." Blah, blah, blah. It's not my fault I got this. I mean wtf? I can't help it. Ugh, I hate when she does that. Instead of reassuring me it's going to be ok and that I'm fine and stuff, she like yells at me! Wow, that's fair. But yeah, I just wanna scream and I want to FUCKING GET AWAY FROM EVERYTHING!!!!!!