(no subject)
I look at my friends and they have become different people than I expected. We have become young Men, and Women. We're there. When did that happen?
Why do I feel like I'm on a path that wanders away from everybody else? Like there's a place that I know that I'm heading for. Nobody really gets it. It's so obvious to me, why can't I express it to anyone else?
Today I found out about the toxicology report. I asked my mom to repeat the name of that drug like *five* times, yet I can't remember it now. It seemed so important to me to remember, and yet right now I fucking can't!
*breather*
He took a bunch of morphine he stole from my Uncle John. I think it was Ephedrin(?)- a codeine based drug- and Keta-something, another morphine based drug. He was actually dead before he suffocated. My mom tells me that looked relaxed, like he had just gone to sleep and drifted away- but now I wonder if that's really the truth. I wish I had gone to see the body. I was asked, and I said no- I couldn't really afford to take another day off work- but I should have gone. It kills me that I didn't see him. FUck.
I think that the moment that this realization hit me was the moment I became a Man. I will never allow myself to make a child-like mistake like that again. I feel stronger than I ever have before but it definitely came at a cost.
I *do* feel stronger though. Tougher. More like myself than I have ever felt before.
Why do I feel like I'm on a path that wanders away from everybody else? Like there's a place that I know that I'm heading for. Nobody really gets it. It's so obvious to me, why can't I express it to anyone else?
Today I found out about the toxicology report. I asked my mom to repeat the name of that drug like *five* times, yet I can't remember it now. It seemed so important to me to remember, and yet right now I fucking can't!
*breather*
He took a bunch of morphine he stole from my Uncle John. I think it was Ephedrin(?)- a codeine based drug- and Keta-something, another morphine based drug. He was actually dead before he suffocated. My mom tells me that looked relaxed, like he had just gone to sleep and drifted away- but now I wonder if that's really the truth. I wish I had gone to see the body. I was asked, and I said no- I couldn't really afford to take another day off work- but I should have gone. It kills me that I didn't see him. FUck.
I think that the moment that this realization hit me was the moment I became a Man. I will never allow myself to make a child-like mistake like that again. I feel stronger than I ever have before but it definitely came at a cost.
I *do* feel stronger though. Tougher. More like myself than I have ever felt before.