Entry Number 2
I think my insides are malfunctioning. I hate it when I'm like this. I don't feel like talking to anyone, or going anywhere. Even the most miniscule things such as my iTunes malfunctioning seems like the end of the world. Getting up seems like an effort, as does talking to the person on the till at the shop. I'm sleepy even though I'm not tired and I've gotten plenty of sleep the previous night. I eat less and less. I space out in the privacy of my own room and might stare at the wall behind my computer screen for ages. Today I've felt like I am shrinking. Everything seems too large: The kitchen door handle, my clothes, my shoes, the desks at the lecture theatre, the mugs at Starbucks, my headphones. I'm fumbling with everything.
I was lying on my bed earlier and it felt as if the edges of my body were slowly curling inwards, folding across my torso to protect something. I felt myself diminishing, curling into a smaller and smaller ball, feeling more insignificant with every blink of an eye. I would be lying if I said it was a new feeling. I used to feel like that every day of my life, nowadays only about two to four times a year. I've been waiting for it to happen again, but also hoping that somehow my depression wouldn't realise it's spring again and would stay in its quiet slumber inside some hidden part of me, where it can do no harm.
I know a part of it is because I've got no contact with Lee right now. It's only been around five days since we last spoke, which is nothing compared to when he was at Fanime. But then again, there has been a lot of time between then and now. After last May, I think the longest time when we have not talked to eachother was about three days. Until now, that is.
It's sad, I know. I'm sure he doesn't miss me as much as I miss him. Maybe he doesn't even think about me. The mocking voice inside my head keeps repeating "Out of sight, out of mind. Out of sight, out of mind..." until I start believing it, even though I know Lee isn't like that. But still, the thoughts haunt me: What if it'll be awkward when we talk again? Maybe there'll be too much time between here and then and I will be too miniscule, too drawn into myself. Maybe too much will have happened. Maybe I will lose that one part of me that made him love me to begin with. Maybe he will find someone better, more suited for him, living where he does.
Five days. I know. It is pathetic, but I get affected very easily by things like this. I don't think I will ever stop being somewhat insecure when it comes to relationships, both love and frienship ones. I can be the most confident person when it comes to everything else, but as soon as someone or something pokes that tiny, aching spot in my heart I crumble like...well, something that crumbles very easily indeed.
I'm trying to stay positive though. It's just not always easy. Thankfully, I've not started blocking out my friends and flatmates yet; I'm trying to stay away from protective walls galore. So far seems to be working well, and I usually revert to my old, familiar seclusion very quickly so that is a small accomplishment right there. As long as I remember to stay somewhat positive and actually bother getting out of bed in the mornings, it won't be that bad.
I was lying on my bed earlier and it felt as if the edges of my body were slowly curling inwards, folding across my torso to protect something. I felt myself diminishing, curling into a smaller and smaller ball, feeling more insignificant with every blink of an eye. I would be lying if I said it was a new feeling. I used to feel like that every day of my life, nowadays only about two to four times a year. I've been waiting for it to happen again, but also hoping that somehow my depression wouldn't realise it's spring again and would stay in its quiet slumber inside some hidden part of me, where it can do no harm.
I know a part of it is because I've got no contact with Lee right now. It's only been around five days since we last spoke, which is nothing compared to when he was at Fanime. But then again, there has been a lot of time between then and now. After last May, I think the longest time when we have not talked to eachother was about three days. Until now, that is.
It's sad, I know. I'm sure he doesn't miss me as much as I miss him. Maybe he doesn't even think about me. The mocking voice inside my head keeps repeating "Out of sight, out of mind. Out of sight, out of mind..." until I start believing it, even though I know Lee isn't like that. But still, the thoughts haunt me: What if it'll be awkward when we talk again? Maybe there'll be too much time between here and then and I will be too miniscule, too drawn into myself. Maybe too much will have happened. Maybe I will lose that one part of me that made him love me to begin with. Maybe he will find someone better, more suited for him, living where he does.
Five days. I know. It is pathetic, but I get affected very easily by things like this. I don't think I will ever stop being somewhat insecure when it comes to relationships, both love and frienship ones. I can be the most confident person when it comes to everything else, but as soon as someone or something pokes that tiny, aching spot in my heart I crumble like...well, something that crumbles very easily indeed.
I'm trying to stay positive though. It's just not always easy. Thankfully, I've not started blocking out my friends and flatmates yet; I'm trying to stay away from protective walls galore. So far seems to be working well, and I usually revert to my old, familiar seclusion very quickly so that is a small accomplishment right there. As long as I remember to stay somewhat positive and actually bother getting out of bed in the mornings, it won't be that bad.