213 things Zack Fair is no Longer Allowed to do in the ShinRa Army
33. Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless I brought enough for everybody.
"Boy what on earth are you doing? You think looking like a damned cow is going to get you far in this army? Huh? A cud chewing excuse for steak on the hoof will never make SOLDIER! Spit that disgraceful shit out and don't you ever disrespect me again by bringing it to formation unless you plan on turning this whole damned unit into a herd of bovine! You understand me son?"
Zack spat the chewing gum out and replied.
"Sir! Only half the time Sir, you have a thick accent."
34. (Next day) Not allowed to chew gum at formation even if I *did* bring enough for everybody.
"Fair! Do you have a death wish or are you just shit stupid? Spit that crap out NOW."
Zack spat out the gum and grinned. "Sir, I brought enough for everyone this time, Sir."
Every cadet in the unit held out a paper wrapped stick of pale pink gum, which were quickly confiscated into the drill sergeants grip.
"You want to fail this unit Fair? Is that it? Want to be a wise ass and end up getting someone killed one day for your stupid pranks?"
Zack watched the gum in the mans hand get squeezed and piped up just as the home cooked plasticine and epoxy exploded. "Sir no sir! I just wanted to test the new sticky bombs, Sir!"
35. Not allowed to sing “High Speed Dirt” by Megadeth during airborne operations. (“See the earth below/Soon to make a crater/Blue sky, black death, I'm off to meet my maker”)
"Damn it Fair! I hate it when you do that!"
"Cheer up Rogers, if your chute fails, I'll catch you!"
"HOW??? You jump after me!"
36. Can't have flashbacks to wars I was not in.
"So cold, it's so cold..."
"You're in the middle of the Wutai jungle in summer, Fair. It's a blistering 100 degrees out with 90 percent humidity and you're cold?"
"Feet are frozen, Johnson's not gonna make it, froze the rifle to his buttocks at the latrine... what are we fighting for man?"
Seph sighed and walked over to where the medic was trying to understand Corporal Fair's condition. "For the last time Zack, you were born ten years too *late* to have been in the Icicle campaign. Get over it."
37. Our medic is called “Sgt Larwasa”, not “Dr. Feelgood”.
"Sir Feelgood, sir..."
"Not now Zack."
"But it's an emergency sir!"
"Not now Zack I'm in field surgery."
"But Sir!!"
"Zack, it can't be more important than this man's liver because if it *was* and you still couldn't use my proper name I'd be using *you* for a transplant."
"....It can wait sir."
"Boy what on earth are you doing? You think looking like a damned cow is going to get you far in this army? Huh? A cud chewing excuse for steak on the hoof will never make SOLDIER! Spit that disgraceful shit out and don't you ever disrespect me again by bringing it to formation unless you plan on turning this whole damned unit into a herd of bovine! You understand me son?"
Zack spat the chewing gum out and replied.
"Sir! Only half the time Sir, you have a thick accent."
34. (Next day) Not allowed to chew gum at formation even if I *did* bring enough for everybody.
"Fair! Do you have a death wish or are you just shit stupid? Spit that crap out NOW."
Zack spat out the gum and grinned. "Sir, I brought enough for everyone this time, Sir."
Every cadet in the unit held out a paper wrapped stick of pale pink gum, which were quickly confiscated into the drill sergeants grip.
"You want to fail this unit Fair? Is that it? Want to be a wise ass and end up getting someone killed one day for your stupid pranks?"
Zack watched the gum in the mans hand get squeezed and piped up just as the home cooked plasticine and epoxy exploded. "Sir no sir! I just wanted to test the new sticky bombs, Sir!"
35. Not allowed to sing “High Speed Dirt” by Megadeth during airborne operations. (“See the earth below/Soon to make a crater/Blue sky, black death, I'm off to meet my maker”)
"Damn it Fair! I hate it when you do that!"
"Cheer up Rogers, if your chute fails, I'll catch you!"
"HOW??? You jump after me!"
36. Can't have flashbacks to wars I was not in.
"So cold, it's so cold..."
"You're in the middle of the Wutai jungle in summer, Fair. It's a blistering 100 degrees out with 90 percent humidity and you're cold?"
"Feet are frozen, Johnson's not gonna make it, froze the rifle to his buttocks at the latrine... what are we fighting for man?"
Seph sighed and walked over to where the medic was trying to understand Corporal Fair's condition. "For the last time Zack, you were born ten years too *late* to have been in the Icicle campaign. Get over it."
37. Our medic is called “Sgt Larwasa”, not “Dr. Feelgood”.
"Sir Feelgood, sir..."
"Not now Zack."
"But it's an emergency sir!"
"Not now Zack I'm in field surgery."
"But Sir!!"
"Zack, it can't be more important than this man's liver because if it *was* and you still couldn't use my proper name I'd be using *you* for a transplant."
"....It can wait sir."