i guess i oughtta eat worms or im not a player i just crush a lot
i missed my bedtime.
i'm supposed to be going to bed about 10 minutes ago but my bed is covered in laundry and if i don't put it away it's going to explode all over my all together too tiny room.
i have a lot on my mind right now...actually i have one multifaceted thing on my mind right now... i guess all i can say is that im very much sick of the whole unrequited thing, don't worry i am not in love, it would just be nice to have someone like me back for a change. people are always telling me how "cute" i am and "najee's awesome" and blah blah blah but the proof is in the pudding and it seems in the restaurant of my life pudding is not on the menu....and by that very awkward use of metaphor i mean how cute and awesome can a person be if nobody wants them?
people tell me its about confidence but how can i be confident when:
A. I'm convinced that i suck and
B. previous attempts indicate that i suck.
where am i getting this confidence from? i'm told to pretend. but i'm not even sure i know what being confident in that sense feels like enough to fake it. what does it mean to be confident in the pursuit of others? and i don't even want to talk about the fact that it's nearly impossible for me to express interest in someone for fear that i'll somehow be humiliated. i cant even really enjoy having crushes on people because i know it will end with me feeling rejected and sad...usually i just end up rejecting myself for them and then waiting until it all goes away.
on top of all that because of my body and where i've grown up and who i've grown up with i've never felt like i was attractive in any way and any sort of sexuality that i may have is deeply repressed and covered by layers and layers of shame. a lot of this was brought up by this work shop i did today for a friends theater project about black women and their hair. it was nice and i wish i had actually said a lot more. of course i didnt really speak, it's me were talking about here...
anyway im sick of this and something has got to change...the frustration!! maybe i just need to be braver? i cant handle this. maybe confidence is just knowing that i'm ok as i am or maybe thats what it is for me. so i guess the goal is to try to believe that.
qotd:
what makes a person confident?
or what makes you confident? i guess it's some kind of security in one's self...? i dont know... you tell me.
-i'm the king of the world
i'm supposed to be going to bed about 10 minutes ago but my bed is covered in laundry and if i don't put it away it's going to explode all over my all together too tiny room.
i have a lot on my mind right now...actually i have one multifaceted thing on my mind right now... i guess all i can say is that im very much sick of the whole unrequited thing, don't worry i am not in love, it would just be nice to have someone like me back for a change. people are always telling me how "cute" i am and "najee's awesome" and blah blah blah but the proof is in the pudding and it seems in the restaurant of my life pudding is not on the menu....and by that very awkward use of metaphor i mean how cute and awesome can a person be if nobody wants them?
people tell me its about confidence but how can i be confident when:
A. I'm convinced that i suck and
B. previous attempts indicate that i suck.
where am i getting this confidence from? i'm told to pretend. but i'm not even sure i know what being confident in that sense feels like enough to fake it. what does it mean to be confident in the pursuit of others? and i don't even want to talk about the fact that it's nearly impossible for me to express interest in someone for fear that i'll somehow be humiliated. i cant even really enjoy having crushes on people because i know it will end with me feeling rejected and sad...usually i just end up rejecting myself for them and then waiting until it all goes away.
on top of all that because of my body and where i've grown up and who i've grown up with i've never felt like i was attractive in any way and any sort of sexuality that i may have is deeply repressed and covered by layers and layers of shame. a lot of this was brought up by this work shop i did today for a friends theater project about black women and their hair. it was nice and i wish i had actually said a lot more. of course i didnt really speak, it's me were talking about here...
anyway im sick of this and something has got to change...the frustration!! maybe i just need to be braver? i cant handle this. maybe confidence is just knowing that i'm ok as i am or maybe thats what it is for me. so i guess the goal is to try to believe that.
qotd:
what makes a person confident?
or what makes you confident? i guess it's some kind of security in one's self...? i dont know... you tell me.
-i'm the king of the world