W.W.D.D .or lonesometown, where the lonely hearts go
Doogie would think real hard, learn from his mistakes, soleve the problem and sit down in front of his big blue computer screen and summarize his experience in a few short sentences. ahh, to be doogie, what wouldnt i give?
i finally, just now, wrote back to my dad. i basically told him that i do want to talk to him but that were going to have to ease into it. no phone calls just yet. that’s a little to direct; id have to deal with my emotions in a far more tangible verbal way and i dot know that i can just yet. a whole life of wondering where you’re dad is and all of a sudden you find out he's in texas, he has a myspace and he wants to talk to you now. ha sent me another message in which he said he missed and loved me. i find it hard to believe that he could possibly actually miss me, what was there to miss? and what he misses isnt me anymore, the 8 year old version of me no longer exists, im 21, thats a huge difference. the love part i can believe, I guess. i just feel bad because dont think i can say.....wait scratch that i dont feel bad, i feel strange-I cant say either of those things. i dont love him. i barely know the guy. i should say i don't love him in the friend and family sense but i do in the way i love any other person or thing in the world.
though lately ive been finding it hard to see the beauty in things. i may or may not be depressed i don't know i just feel kinda lonely all the time lately. i miss when i was feeling connected that was good. i think i detached after the trip to the cape, which is weird because it was lovely.
ok so i quit my job at Smitties (yes i got it) half because it was too far away and im afraid to say but i think half because i wanted to never leave my house again. in any case i think it was the right choice because i felt very free afterwards. don't worry guys i have another job essentially lined up and if all goes well ill be starting that like this week.. its better and much closer.
i wish i could get out of this funk though. i guess, i dont know. im done.
question o the day:
if you could be anything else, what would you be?
the other day i thought it would be cool to be cloud but then, upon discussing this with a compatriot of mine, i realized that if was just straight up water id get to be clouds and ice, i'd get to go into people bodies and, this is a new one, but if i was in the ocean id be a part of this immense collective that covers the earth, fucking cool. so maybe I’d be water. perhaps though id like to be a tree or maybe lightening. Realistically if i was going to be something else it would be a living thing. then i think i would very much like to be a tree in a world without people. id like to have a little hole where a bird or something could live. that would be nice. i just thought for a moment that i might like to be a jellyfish because they don’t have brains, it seems simpler but then i was quickly terrified by the idea of experiencing life without a brain and how that would feel, there’s no way for me to know and therefore I’m scared of it. so comment or I’ll come sit all over your couch, all grungy in my pajamas and never leave and spread my general melancholy to you. comment or prepare to be bummed out.
- all the children i have fathered
ps. maybe i have been watching episodes of Doogie Hauser, M.D. all day, so what?
i finally, just now, wrote back to my dad. i basically told him that i do want to talk to him but that were going to have to ease into it. no phone calls just yet. that’s a little to direct; id have to deal with my emotions in a far more tangible verbal way and i dot know that i can just yet. a whole life of wondering where you’re dad is and all of a sudden you find out he's in texas, he has a myspace and he wants to talk to you now. ha sent me another message in which he said he missed and loved me. i find it hard to believe that he could possibly actually miss me, what was there to miss? and what he misses isnt me anymore, the 8 year old version of me no longer exists, im 21, thats a huge difference. the love part i can believe, I guess. i just feel bad because dont think i can say.....wait scratch that i dont feel bad, i feel strange-I cant say either of those things. i dont love him. i barely know the guy. i should say i don't love him in the friend and family sense but i do in the way i love any other person or thing in the world.
though lately ive been finding it hard to see the beauty in things. i may or may not be depressed i don't know i just feel kinda lonely all the time lately. i miss when i was feeling connected that was good. i think i detached after the trip to the cape, which is weird because it was lovely.
ok so i quit my job at Smitties (yes i got it) half because it was too far away and im afraid to say but i think half because i wanted to never leave my house again. in any case i think it was the right choice because i felt very free afterwards. don't worry guys i have another job essentially lined up and if all goes well ill be starting that like this week.. its better and much closer.
i wish i could get out of this funk though. i guess, i dont know. im done.
question o the day:
if you could be anything else, what would you be?
the other day i thought it would be cool to be cloud but then, upon discussing this with a compatriot of mine, i realized that if was just straight up water id get to be clouds and ice, i'd get to go into people bodies and, this is a new one, but if i was in the ocean id be a part of this immense collective that covers the earth, fucking cool. so maybe I’d be water. perhaps though id like to be a tree or maybe lightening. Realistically if i was going to be something else it would be a living thing. then i think i would very much like to be a tree in a world without people. id like to have a little hole where a bird or something could live. that would be nice. i just thought for a moment that i might like to be a jellyfish because they don’t have brains, it seems simpler but then i was quickly terrified by the idea of experiencing life without a brain and how that would feel, there’s no way for me to know and therefore I’m scared of it. so comment or I’ll come sit all over your couch, all grungy in my pajamas and never leave and spread my general melancholy to you. comment or prepare to be bummed out.
- all the children i have fathered
ps. maybe i have been watching episodes of Doogie Hauser, M.D. all day, so what?