Valentines's Day Rant... brought to you by Garth Simmons
So, My brother Garth, who is cool as shit, and a really big smart ass, sent me this...
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St. fucking Valentine's Day...
Here's a history lesson for you.
There were three St. Valentine's, all of whom are mentioned in the
Catholic martyrologies under the date of February 14th. The first, a priest
in Rome, and the second, a bishop of Interamna (modern Terni), both
suffered in the latter half of the third century and both were buried on
Flaminian Way (modern Porta del Popolo), but at different distances from
Rome. The third suffered in Africa with a number of companions, and no
information was preserved of who he was, or why he died.
What do these guys have to do with the holiday that is celebrated
today? How did this holiday evolve into what it is now? These are
interesting questions...
Turns out, the only reason there's a holiday at all on February 14th is
because during the Middle Ages it was widely believed throughout
England and France that birds began to pair off and mate in the middle of the
second month of the year. Why'd they think that? Because people were
fucking stupid in the Middle Ages. So because the middle of February was
the 14th, and all of these Catholic saints named Valentine had died
horrible painful deaths because they'd not renounce their faith, it was
referred to as "Valentyne's Day." Because of the birds and the mating,
people began thinking of the day as a day for lovers and as a proper
occasion to write love letters and send lover's tokens.
That's pretty much it. Three people named Valentine died on the 14th of
February, different years, then they become saints after their
martyrdom, and somebody realizes that it's a coincidence, and so St.
Valentine's Day was born out of their deaths. So now, we send chocolates and get
all giggly because birds are mating and so we get all mushy, too, and
celebrate love... forgetting the death part of it altogether?
It's called St. Valentine's Day right, not Birds Are Fucking Day?
This holiday is stupid. I've always thought it was just an excuse to
make money, one of those holidays that Hallmark sort of created...
There's not a damn thing historically speaking about giving gifts. Even
Christmas has the gift giving in the Saint Nickolas/Santa Claus folklore and
"history"... nothing about giving anybody anything except love
letters... so I guess "valentine's" are okay. The fact that some guys take out
a second mortgage on their house's to be able to satisfy their wive's
or girlfriend's cravings for chocolate, stuffed animals, baskets of
treats, and enough flowers to line the graves of Arlington National
Cemetery, it's ridiculous. They get so mad that they HAVE to buy all of this
stuff, too, that it sort of negates the whole "it's a gift of love"
thing anyway. So they're buying all of this crap because it's there, and
because it's there in the faces of the women, the men feel obligated to
buy as much of it as they can, as a way to prove their love to their
partner. The more gits, the more love... that sort of thing. It's got
nothing to do with love... because as soon as the gifts are put up in
public view to create temptation, then expectation enters the picture and
fucks it all up. The women are expecting it, so instead of it being a
positive, "Oh, wow, you got me this cuz you love me?" it's more of a
negative outlook like "That's it? All I get's a little box of chocolates?"
Now, not every woman is that way, obviously, but I have a feeling that
most guys think they are, hence the huge amounts of crap people buy.
Fueling this stupid holiday.
I've always hated Valentine's Day, too, even when I was in a
relationship. As an example of why, I've always found that it's best to get a
girl flowers when she's not expecting them, because then it's honest. You
got them because you wanted to get her some flowers because you know
it'd make her happy. There's no reason other than that, which is the
best. Just to make her happy. Nobody put it into your head or hers that
because of the date you HAVE to get her some flowers. You just thought
she'd like 'em. Valentine's Day... yeah, store's just don't get enough of
my money at fucking Christmas, and Easter and Memorial Day, when they
do all of their big sales, those aren't for a while. We need something
to prey upon their wallets with sooner. How about the Birds Are Fucking
Day, or the Three Guys Named Valentine Who Were Martyred Day, depending
on your religious standpoint (I personally get this vomitous taste in
my throat just thinking about the Catholics, so I'd lean towards the
Birds).
Fuck this holiday. That's how I feel. "Happy Valnetine's Day!" "Fuck
you! The only thing happy about this fucking holiday is the fact that the
bird population is flourishing. But I'm not interesting in ornithology,
so fuck the birds too!"
Oh, and one last thing, it's kind of sick that the Catholics have a
collection of writings and documents and such called the Martyrologies.
What the hell, man? I understand that people need to keep documented
accounts of death, obituaries and such, but to organize them into collected
works and seperating out which ones died this way and that, and then to
name the damn book... The Martyrologies... it's just... weird. Fucking
Catholics... too much cryptic creepy archaeic mumbo jumbo... what was
it in "Dogma," "You people don't celebrate your faith, you mourn it."
Yeah... Catholics kinda freak me out.
Happy Birds Are Fucking Day, everybody!
Happy 3 Guys Named Valentine Who Were Martyred Day
(or maybe that one should be shortened to Valentine Martyrology Day)...
I personally don't want to celebrate the deaths of three people I don't
know that didn't do anything worth mentioning... (I got most my
historical info on who they were off of an Official Catholic Historical
website, and they didn't mention anything about who they were or what they
did to deserve being Saints, so apparently, these are some of the most
unimportant saints the Catholics have). And as far as martyrs go... the
original Christain term for martyr had nothing to do with death, and all
of the Apostles were martyrs (the original word means "witness" and the
Apostles were the "witnesses of Christ")... so, as far as martyrs go, I
don't see too many people celebrating a day full of gifts and "love"
and chocolate and such for each of the Apostles, so who gives a shit
about two Roman dudes and a guy in Africa who apparently weren't good
enough to remember anything about who fucking died. People die all the time,
ESPECIALLY in the name of religion and faith and whatever, and I don't
celebrate their deaths when they stand up and don't renounce their
faith in the face of all this pain. Fuck! You know what, terrorists die for
their faith too, I don't see too many Hallmark cards for Muslims with
pictures of the Towers on 'em. "Love you!" 'I love you too!" BOOM!
That's right, I just likened Valentine's Day to Terrorist's Day... you know
what's scary is that sort of has a ring to it, so I bet in our fucking
lifetime Hallmark DOES put out cards like that. What a bunch of crap...
I'm gonna spend today by myself, being creative, watching movies that
will inspire me, things that'll take my mind off the crap that is this
day, and so that I can go to sleep tonight with just as much money as
when I started, thinking and knowing that I did things because I wanted
to, me, not because I was told to by a society as ridiculous as this
one. So I'm gonna chill and watch "MirrorMask," and that'll be cool, and I
want have to think about Saints or birds or little red hearts full of
candy. And if Blockbuster doesn't have "MirrorMask" then they better
watch the fuck out cuz I'm gonna ninja kick one their goddamned shelves
over.
"Back to you in the studio, fuckers!"
St. Garth, patron saint of Ranting
-Garth is funny as hell!!!
_______________________________________________________________________________________
St. fucking Valentine's Day...
Here's a history lesson for you.
There were three St. Valentine's, all of whom are mentioned in the
Catholic martyrologies under the date of February 14th. The first, a priest
in Rome, and the second, a bishop of Interamna (modern Terni), both
suffered in the latter half of the third century and both were buried on
Flaminian Way (modern Porta del Popolo), but at different distances from
Rome. The third suffered in Africa with a number of companions, and no
information was preserved of who he was, or why he died.
What do these guys have to do with the holiday that is celebrated
today? How did this holiday evolve into what it is now? These are
interesting questions...
Turns out, the only reason there's a holiday at all on February 14th is
because during the Middle Ages it was widely believed throughout
England and France that birds began to pair off and mate in the middle of the
second month of the year. Why'd they think that? Because people were
fucking stupid in the Middle Ages. So because the middle of February was
the 14th, and all of these Catholic saints named Valentine had died
horrible painful deaths because they'd not renounce their faith, it was
referred to as "Valentyne's Day." Because of the birds and the mating,
people began thinking of the day as a day for lovers and as a proper
occasion to write love letters and send lover's tokens.
That's pretty much it. Three people named Valentine died on the 14th of
February, different years, then they become saints after their
martyrdom, and somebody realizes that it's a coincidence, and so St.
Valentine's Day was born out of their deaths. So now, we send chocolates and get
all giggly because birds are mating and so we get all mushy, too, and
celebrate love... forgetting the death part of it altogether?
It's called St. Valentine's Day right, not Birds Are Fucking Day?
This holiday is stupid. I've always thought it was just an excuse to
make money, one of those holidays that Hallmark sort of created...
There's not a damn thing historically speaking about giving gifts. Even
Christmas has the gift giving in the Saint Nickolas/Santa Claus folklore and
"history"... nothing about giving anybody anything except love
letters... so I guess "valentine's" are okay. The fact that some guys take out
a second mortgage on their house's to be able to satisfy their wive's
or girlfriend's cravings for chocolate, stuffed animals, baskets of
treats, and enough flowers to line the graves of Arlington National
Cemetery, it's ridiculous. They get so mad that they HAVE to buy all of this
stuff, too, that it sort of negates the whole "it's a gift of love"
thing anyway. So they're buying all of this crap because it's there, and
because it's there in the faces of the women, the men feel obligated to
buy as much of it as they can, as a way to prove their love to their
partner. The more gits, the more love... that sort of thing. It's got
nothing to do with love... because as soon as the gifts are put up in
public view to create temptation, then expectation enters the picture and
fucks it all up. The women are expecting it, so instead of it being a
positive, "Oh, wow, you got me this cuz you love me?" it's more of a
negative outlook like "That's it? All I get's a little box of chocolates?"
Now, not every woman is that way, obviously, but I have a feeling that
most guys think they are, hence the huge amounts of crap people buy.
Fueling this stupid holiday.
I've always hated Valentine's Day, too, even when I was in a
relationship. As an example of why, I've always found that it's best to get a
girl flowers when she's not expecting them, because then it's honest. You
got them because you wanted to get her some flowers because you know
it'd make her happy. There's no reason other than that, which is the
best. Just to make her happy. Nobody put it into your head or hers that
because of the date you HAVE to get her some flowers. You just thought
she'd like 'em. Valentine's Day... yeah, store's just don't get enough of
my money at fucking Christmas, and Easter and Memorial Day, when they
do all of their big sales, those aren't for a while. We need something
to prey upon their wallets with sooner. How about the Birds Are Fucking
Day, or the Three Guys Named Valentine Who Were Martyred Day, depending
on your religious standpoint (I personally get this vomitous taste in
my throat just thinking about the Catholics, so I'd lean towards the
Birds).
Fuck this holiday. That's how I feel. "Happy Valnetine's Day!" "Fuck
you! The only thing happy about this fucking holiday is the fact that the
bird population is flourishing. But I'm not interesting in ornithology,
so fuck the birds too!"
Oh, and one last thing, it's kind of sick that the Catholics have a
collection of writings and documents and such called the Martyrologies.
What the hell, man? I understand that people need to keep documented
accounts of death, obituaries and such, but to organize them into collected
works and seperating out which ones died this way and that, and then to
name the damn book... The Martyrologies... it's just... weird. Fucking
Catholics... too much cryptic creepy archaeic mumbo jumbo... what was
it in "Dogma," "You people don't celebrate your faith, you mourn it."
Yeah... Catholics kinda freak me out.
Happy Birds Are Fucking Day, everybody!
Happy 3 Guys Named Valentine Who Were Martyred Day
(or maybe that one should be shortened to Valentine Martyrology Day)...
I personally don't want to celebrate the deaths of three people I don't
know that didn't do anything worth mentioning... (I got most my
historical info on who they were off of an Official Catholic Historical
website, and they didn't mention anything about who they were or what they
did to deserve being Saints, so apparently, these are some of the most
unimportant saints the Catholics have). And as far as martyrs go... the
original Christain term for martyr had nothing to do with death, and all
of the Apostles were martyrs (the original word means "witness" and the
Apostles were the "witnesses of Christ")... so, as far as martyrs go, I
don't see too many people celebrating a day full of gifts and "love"
and chocolate and such for each of the Apostles, so who gives a shit
about two Roman dudes and a guy in Africa who apparently weren't good
enough to remember anything about who fucking died. People die all the time,
ESPECIALLY in the name of religion and faith and whatever, and I don't
celebrate their deaths when they stand up and don't renounce their
faith in the face of all this pain. Fuck! You know what, terrorists die for
their faith too, I don't see too many Hallmark cards for Muslims with
pictures of the Towers on 'em. "Love you!" 'I love you too!" BOOM!
That's right, I just likened Valentine's Day to Terrorist's Day... you know
what's scary is that sort of has a ring to it, so I bet in our fucking
lifetime Hallmark DOES put out cards like that. What a bunch of crap...
I'm gonna spend today by myself, being creative, watching movies that
will inspire me, things that'll take my mind off the crap that is this
day, and so that I can go to sleep tonight with just as much money as
when I started, thinking and knowing that I did things because I wanted
to, me, not because I was told to by a society as ridiculous as this
one. So I'm gonna chill and watch "MirrorMask," and that'll be cool, and I
want have to think about Saints or birds or little red hearts full of
candy. And if Blockbuster doesn't have "MirrorMask" then they better
watch the fuck out cuz I'm gonna ninja kick one their goddamned shelves
over.
"Back to you in the studio, fuckers!"
St. Garth, patron saint of Ranting
-Garth is funny as hell!!!