(no subject)
heard it in the song when you call out...but I gotta say now, it's got to change, right now...
Listening to these CDs over and over again give me such joy. I had another day yesterday that consisted of me reminding myself that I am only one person and I will never be able to do everything and learn everything and be everywhere. I'll never do it all, and I need to learn how to be okay with that.
My goal as a child was to read every book ever written. By the time I was ten and realized tha there were other languages that people wrote books in, I considered learning more languages in order to read them all. Now I look at libraries like the Graduate Library at UM and I realize there is no way. I guess part of me always knew that, but I always had this goal set in my mind, and now it's been terribly crushed.I cringe when I think about the minimal amount of books I'll actually be able to read in my lifetime. Especially if I keep rereading my favorites the way I do.
I also had a goal to be bilingual. I think that one will happen--I have a lot of life ahead of me, but unless I have a pratical use for knowing another language, it seems as though this one will have to wait until I'm older.
It's like I had all these goals ahead of me, and as they come down shattered and broken around me, I have to do all I can to keep myself from hyperventilating. I tell myself it's okay that I haven't read all Ronald Dahl's books, that it's okay that I only speak English and a little bit of French, that it's not such a huge deal if I don't get around to playing the guitar and the piano, that I'll be fine if I don't understand the direct application in everday life of my pre-calculus knowledge. I just wish that I could calm my racing mind. I want to be a learned student and person, I want to know what's happening in the news world every day. I want to understand the relationships and the lack thereof in the Middle East, and I want to write some books and watch the movies I've been meaning to watch. I want to have strong morals, political thoughts, and be able to hold my own in a conversation about music from the years before everyone listened to rap. I want to be a Scrabble champion. Even as I write these words, I realize how ridiculous they sound, and yet the anxiety is building in my stomach, and I have to calm myself. I load another tab in my internet browser and quickly review the news from the day. ( I want to watch all the World Cup games I can.) I see my life ahead of me, and I see how full it is already, and it's crazy. I want to see my breathing buddy, my jackson-brother, my canton-brother, my B, some of my girls, and I want to spend time with my family in the next four days before I leave for Italia. And it's not all going to happen. I saw my KS today, and it was great, but I just feel like time is passing so quickly. I want to call all my Castle Girls, I want to call all my GOFGS girls, I want to chat and chat with my love of my life roommate and my RA love and my asshole buddy. Too many people and too many things to maintain. Twenty-four hours in a day is simply too little.
I have to prioritize. I have to realize that what is important in life comes first. I have to realize that there are things I won't get to today, and that I won't get to them tomorrow, either. I have to realize that I am only 20, and that I have so much life left. I have to realize that I will write books, I will listen to new music, and I will hold my own in some conversations. I'll see some movies I want to, and I'll read some new books. I'll bang out a tune or two on the piano, and have someone show me how to play more than one song on the guitar. I'll learn more conversational Italian. I'll drink more water, work out more, and figure out how to split my TV's screen so I can watch world cup and the news at the same time, while writing letters to my loves. I'll get up at a decent hour, and spend my day working on the things that need attention. I think school and an apartment and a new outlook will help with all of this.
Pray that anxiety doesn't get the best of me. Pray that I can beat it, because I am trying. I need to make a life's list of "To Do" 's and I need to stick to it.
Here I go. I think I can do it....
Listening to these CDs over and over again give me such joy. I had another day yesterday that consisted of me reminding myself that I am only one person and I will never be able to do everything and learn everything and be everywhere. I'll never do it all, and I need to learn how to be okay with that.
My goal as a child was to read every book ever written. By the time I was ten and realized tha there were other languages that people wrote books in, I considered learning more languages in order to read them all. Now I look at libraries like the Graduate Library at UM and I realize there is no way. I guess part of me always knew that, but I always had this goal set in my mind, and now it's been terribly crushed.I cringe when I think about the minimal amount of books I'll actually be able to read in my lifetime. Especially if I keep rereading my favorites the way I do.
I also had a goal to be bilingual. I think that one will happen--I have a lot of life ahead of me, but unless I have a pratical use for knowing another language, it seems as though this one will have to wait until I'm older.
It's like I had all these goals ahead of me, and as they come down shattered and broken around me, I have to do all I can to keep myself from hyperventilating. I tell myself it's okay that I haven't read all Ronald Dahl's books, that it's okay that I only speak English and a little bit of French, that it's not such a huge deal if I don't get around to playing the guitar and the piano, that I'll be fine if I don't understand the direct application in everday life of my pre-calculus knowledge. I just wish that I could calm my racing mind. I want to be a learned student and person, I want to know what's happening in the news world every day. I want to understand the relationships and the lack thereof in the Middle East, and I want to write some books and watch the movies I've been meaning to watch. I want to have strong morals, political thoughts, and be able to hold my own in a conversation about music from the years before everyone listened to rap. I want to be a Scrabble champion. Even as I write these words, I realize how ridiculous they sound, and yet the anxiety is building in my stomach, and I have to calm myself. I load another tab in my internet browser and quickly review the news from the day. ( I want to watch all the World Cup games I can.) I see my life ahead of me, and I see how full it is already, and it's crazy. I want to see my breathing buddy, my jackson-brother, my canton-brother, my B, some of my girls, and I want to spend time with my family in the next four days before I leave for Italia. And it's not all going to happen. I saw my KS today, and it was great, but I just feel like time is passing so quickly. I want to call all my Castle Girls, I want to call all my GOFGS girls, I want to chat and chat with my love of my life roommate and my RA love and my asshole buddy. Too many people and too many things to maintain. Twenty-four hours in a day is simply too little.
I have to prioritize. I have to realize that what is important in life comes first. I have to realize that there are things I won't get to today, and that I won't get to them tomorrow, either. I have to realize that I am only 20, and that I have so much life left. I have to realize that I will write books, I will listen to new music, and I will hold my own in some conversations. I'll see some movies I want to, and I'll read some new books. I'll bang out a tune or two on the piano, and have someone show me how to play more than one song on the guitar. I'll learn more conversational Italian. I'll drink more water, work out more, and figure out how to split my TV's screen so I can watch world cup and the news at the same time, while writing letters to my loves. I'll get up at a decent hour, and spend my day working on the things that need attention. I think school and an apartment and a new outlook will help with all of this.
Pray that anxiety doesn't get the best of me. Pray that I can beat it, because I am trying. I need to make a life's list of "To Do" 's and I need to stick to it.
Here I go. I think I can do it....