It's like a book elegantly bound, but in a language you can't read...
I always make writing out to be this stressful task that I'm never in the mood to do....I always forget that it's one of the most therapeutic things that I know of. Well, I take some of that back...sometimes I do truly find it stressful because I sit here and create entries almost targeted at my future self. I generally say to myself "when I read this in 10 years, I don't wanna look back and see that I was a total moron.." Maybe I should cast those thoughts aside and just write, but I think I probably know myself a little too well in the sense that I know I can never fully focus on the present, only on the future (or sometimes the past..)
Anyway! In we jump...
I guess it's been an interesting year. I mean I did turn 21 this year...and am quickly approaching 21 part II. I was thinking about all the bitching I've done about UGA and college and the shortcomings it's brought me when something occurred to me. All this time, I've concentrated on going home and traveling so much as a weakness and sign of failure to maintain any sort of normal life up here, when in all actuality, maybe I've just found my solution. When life gives you lemons, you're supposed to make lemonade right? Well what if that was my lemonade? What if I actually just found out what makes me happy and content in the face of all this mediocrity at UGA? It's half of what I'm supposed to be realizing up here, isn't it? I'm supposed to be finding out what makes me happy, what works or doesn't work, where I prefer to be. My grades at UGA work, my social life does not. Probably the most common sense conclusion I've made in a long time, but there's something about the positive light I'm casting that puts me more at ease.
One thing that does have me a bit discontented is the way I feel when I talk to certain people. After 3 years of college, a 3.8 gpa, and a year of straight A's at UGA, I still stumble upon the unsettling feeling of inadequacy when talking to certain people. I don't know if it's a lack of confidence in myself or a great presence of confidence in the other person that creates this feeling, but it's gotten to the point where sometimes I wonder if I really am as smart as the grades I'm producing. The worst part is that when I'm interacting with people in my classes, I actually do feel like I'm significantly superior intellectually than a lot of them. But then I'll go home and call Jen, or I'll talk to one of my friends about religion or something in the news and this feeling of complete unintelligence sweeps over me and carefully drops me into frustration. I mean I'm by no means stupid, and I'm fully aware of that....but sometimes it feels like I might be. It makes me wonder if grad school really is a valid possibility for me due to it's "thinking outside the box" curriculum. You don't just take a test and get your master's or doctorate degrees...you actually have to use critical thinking skills that I may or may not possess. I don't know...I'd just like to have an intelligent conversation where I feel like I leave at least one thought-provoking idea behind for the other person to chew on.
....I'm actually too tired to finish this entry. Hopefully I'll be doing more of this where I won't have to write so much. andgoodbye.
Myspace Comment:
Michael M: "I wonder if I really am as smart as the grades I'm producing."??
Of course not...3.8 at UGA means you manage to stay sober most of the time and show up to most of your classes, and you can probably calcualte in your head how much to leave as a tip at a restuarant. Wait until you go to a real school for grad school. :)
Kidding, you know I'm a Tech grad, so I just had to throw that in there. Seriously, I read your blog, and I just wanted to add that knowing the limitations of your knowledge is actually a sign of higher intelligence. The more you know, the more you know how little you know. It's somewhat counterintuitive, but I would say if you had said the opposite and talked as though you feel like you know all about everything you talk about and everyone around you is an idiot, chances are you're the complete idiot. So, rejoice in your ignorance and realize that it is important to never stop learning...and never stop questioning things.
...and believe me...you will do great in grad school.
~M