It's a false sense of accomplishment every time I quit...
I haven't written anything in such a long long time. There was a time in my life where I would write almost everything down, whether it be my thoughts, or just what I did that day. I feel like when I stopped writing, a change happened within me, and I lost the part of me that really knew myself. I feel like recording my thoughts really helps me to identify the things that I like and dislike about myself, about my life, or about how I'm living my life. I"m hoping to do this more often, and hopefully I'll begin to discover those things once again.
My life has been absolutely nuts the past few weeks. New car. Skydiving. Threw my first kegger. Now i'm going up to ohio to surprise Jen for her 21st. Then maybe a jazz festival in florida? I'm keeping busy like no other, and I'm beginning to realize how helpful that is to me. I may not be perfectly happy about where I am in life right now...which is still in college, but at least I'm figuring out how to make it bearable. I feel like it's a difficult thing to admit that you chose the wrong college...difficult because people day in and day out repeat those eight little words that have a daunting meaning to someone who doesn't share the opinion. " College is the best time of your life." Every single time someone releases those words from their lips, and I see their eyes light up with this reminiscent look of faded, beautiful memories, I become sad. Sad that their best days have already happened, and sad that if my best days are supposed to be now, then I'm not sure that the rest of this life is going to be worth it. I missed out on something...something irreplaceable, and something that was supposed to change me forever. UGA was high school part II, and it wasn't what I needed after high school part I. I needed a dramatic change, and I needed to be thrown somewhere that made me a little nervous. Instead, I comfortably settled into UGA, and never branched out because I was never forced to. I accept change, but I don't often initiate it myself. I needed to be forced. I wasn't. And here I am, doing my best to graduate early, with the hopes that maybe my best days are still ahead.
I've been leading a lifestyle that I'm nowhere near proud of. I'm constantly kicking myself for settling for less than what I always believed in. I don't recognize myself when I think about some of the things that I've done in the last few months alone. When you wake up and have to ask yourself "what the hell are you doing?" on a pretty consistent basis, I'm pretty sure that's an indicator that change needs to show its face. I know I've quit on several occasions, but I want this to be the one that actually represents what the word "quit" means. I can't explain how accurate jimmy eat world's lyrics are to the way i feel about this situation: "i never thought i'd walk away from you--i did, but it's a false sense of accomplishment every time i quit." That line is me. But I want to be ready for a new set of song lyrics that represent something more positive about me. I don't want to identify with that anymore. I'm ready for something more real, something that scares the living daylights out of me.
..and speaking of that, the visit to ohio should be a very interesting experience. Jen and I have had some pretty serious lows this year, and surprising her for her birthday is really probably not the best idea...not with Sam there anyway. I already know what kind of a hell this past summer was, and now i'm going into enemy territory. Either I'm crazy, or I just can't give up on that girl. I'm just hoping that I get something out of this trip...something more than regret for going in the first place. Everyone I know says I shouldn't have done this, but I've hardly ever listened to anyone when it comes to jen and I. And for that, I'd like to think that our 8 year friendship is still afloat. This is important to her, so I'll do my best. I can only hope it'll inspire her to remember that I'm someone worth sacrificing things for.
To end this, I just want to note how important my family has been to me over the past few years. I don't know how I would have ever survived so many of my obstacles without their consistently wonderful laughter and love for each other. I know you guys thought I'd never be good at the family thing, but I'd like to think that maybe you'll take note of my realization about how important we are to each other. I feel like it's one of the very few things I've done right over the past few years. Anyway, I guess that's it for the night.
Hopefully I'll read this tomorrow and it'll inspire me. Love you guys.
Myspace comments:
Courtney: Maybe when i move home, we can go on some new adventures together and try to make this the best time of our lives
Shaun: Fabulous stuff. One of the most powerful writings I've ever read by anyone--truly masterful. I've always thought that you are years ahead of your time and this entry justifies that notion. Your words beautifully capture your feelings of disappointment and pain. I don't think that there's anyone who couldn't relate to your feelings--it's just that they would have a difficult time describing the feelings as eloquently as you have. As you can tell--I get very excited by truly soulful writing and it's very rare to read one these days. I can tell that your entry comes straight from the heart.
In regards to the actual content of the writing, I have missed your writings. You were a blog pioneer and I remember logging-on every night to read your entries (I hope you've saved them). It's refreshing to see that creative spirit flow through your fingers again. I remember reading a quote one time that "you never know yourself until you write", and I couldn't agree more. It's the kind of nourishment that we don't get in day-to-day casual conversation and interaction. It's the good stuff. It's the important stuff. I hope you'll renew your writings not because I enjoy reading them so much, but because it's healthy--it's a release--and I think it will help you tremendously as you navigate the trails of life.
You have been quite busy as of late, which is good and bad. Good for obvious reasons--it's nice to experience new things, but it can be deadly if we don't stay in-touch with ourselves because it can cover up things which we don't want to confront. This is the first time I've ever heard you express that you realize that you selected the wrong college. Now--I could rub it in right now and say I tried to tell you so, but you wouldn't listen to me. But what good does that do. It's not about right and wrong. I've made plenty of mistakes in my life and it's not the most fun thing when people exacerbate the problems. Anway, I will just say that I really thought it would be best for you to stretch your horizons. You had the grades to get into an elite school outside of GA and I think we could get in hindsight that you might have been better off listening to your brother, but that's not the point. The point is--we make decisions that we have to live with everyday. And at the end of the day it should be our decision--ours alone. The only person you ever have to answer to is yourself. And you made the decision you felt was best for you and it hasn't been all bad I'm sure, but hindsight is 20-20 and now perhaps you wish that you had made a different decision, but that's life. The past is done. All we have is the present and the future. We can change our course. We can learn from our mistakes. We can live where we want and do what we want to do. It's a mindset--we have to engage our inner selves. The funny thing is that I remember not acknowledging to myself that I had selected the right school until the week before my graduation. I was talking to mom on a pay phone and I distinctly remember telling her that it just hit me that I had chosen the right school!
For most people college is the best of times, but for you it will be different. I know I'm one of the people that told you that, but clearly our experiences have been different. You'll find happiness one day and you'll know it. With every nerve in your body, you'll know when something, someone, and somewhere feels right and you'll do everything you can to hold onto it. I guess I never realized how unhappy you were with college until just now and now I can understand you wanting to finish it as quickly as possible. The way you described your college experience reminds me of the way I felt about my high school experience. I never felt like I got the most out of times. What I try to do now is to suck the marrow out of life. To live in the present. I try to minimize my regrets as much as possible. I've always said that change is good. Change is healthy. Change is how we grow. But change is scary--terrifying at times. And the things that we are the most scared to do are exactly the things we need to do the most. It's so easy to get comfortable. But easy is not always what we need. The things that give us the most gratification in life seem to be the ones that were the most difficult to accomplish.
I'm hoping that your time in OH will be fruitful. I don't like to give up on people very easily myself and some are worth fighting for. However, relationships are a two-way street and no single person can control them. If your differences with Jennifer are settled it will because you both wanted that--not just because of you. And sometimes friendships fade, people come and go--we never forget them or the experiences we had, but sometimes we have to learn to release things that aren't working--that aren't healthy--that aren't benefitting us. Perhaps this trip to OH will be the last hurrah or perhaps it will be a new beginning, but I'm quite sure that whatever happens will happen for a reason and you will learn and grow from it either way.
I appreciate your words about family. And I echo those words. The older we get the more we realize that family is everything. Without family you have nothing. There is nothing that has made me happier in the past year than becoming closer to you. Our age gap separated us for many years, but I always hoped that as we grew older the effect would lessen. And I feel that it has. I feel like I know you at last. That is the biggest reason I decided to move back to Atlanta was to re-ground myself in the people who care about me the most. The world can be cruel at times and when we are lost...when we are heartbroken...we crave family. For that encouragement. For that happiness that it brings, especially around the holidays.
You are a very important piece of my life and I want you to know that I love you and I care about you and I want nothing more than for you to be happy. And you will be. Keep your head up--even through the tough times. You will see the light at the end of the tunnel. Your best days are ahead and don't you ever think otherwise...
My life has been absolutely nuts the past few weeks. New car. Skydiving. Threw my first kegger. Now i'm going up to ohio to surprise Jen for her 21st. Then maybe a jazz festival in florida? I'm keeping busy like no other, and I'm beginning to realize how helpful that is to me. I may not be perfectly happy about where I am in life right now...which is still in college, but at least I'm figuring out how to make it bearable. I feel like it's a difficult thing to admit that you chose the wrong college...difficult because people day in and day out repeat those eight little words that have a daunting meaning to someone who doesn't share the opinion. " College is the best time of your life." Every single time someone releases those words from their lips, and I see their eyes light up with this reminiscent look of faded, beautiful memories, I become sad. Sad that their best days have already happened, and sad that if my best days are supposed to be now, then I'm not sure that the rest of this life is going to be worth it. I missed out on something...something irreplaceable, and something that was supposed to change me forever. UGA was high school part II, and it wasn't what I needed after high school part I. I needed a dramatic change, and I needed to be thrown somewhere that made me a little nervous. Instead, I comfortably settled into UGA, and never branched out because I was never forced to. I accept change, but I don't often initiate it myself. I needed to be forced. I wasn't. And here I am, doing my best to graduate early, with the hopes that maybe my best days are still ahead.
I've been leading a lifestyle that I'm nowhere near proud of. I'm constantly kicking myself for settling for less than what I always believed in. I don't recognize myself when I think about some of the things that I've done in the last few months alone. When you wake up and have to ask yourself "what the hell are you doing?" on a pretty consistent basis, I'm pretty sure that's an indicator that change needs to show its face. I know I've quit on several occasions, but I want this to be the one that actually represents what the word "quit" means. I can't explain how accurate jimmy eat world's lyrics are to the way i feel about this situation: "i never thought i'd walk away from you--i did, but it's a false sense of accomplishment every time i quit." That line is me. But I want to be ready for a new set of song lyrics that represent something more positive about me. I don't want to identify with that anymore. I'm ready for something more real, something that scares the living daylights out of me.
..and speaking of that, the visit to ohio should be a very interesting experience. Jen and I have had some pretty serious lows this year, and surprising her for her birthday is really probably not the best idea...not with Sam there anyway. I already know what kind of a hell this past summer was, and now i'm going into enemy territory. Either I'm crazy, or I just can't give up on that girl. I'm just hoping that I get something out of this trip...something more than regret for going in the first place. Everyone I know says I shouldn't have done this, but I've hardly ever listened to anyone when it comes to jen and I. And for that, I'd like to think that our 8 year friendship is still afloat. This is important to her, so I'll do my best. I can only hope it'll inspire her to remember that I'm someone worth sacrificing things for.
To end this, I just want to note how important my family has been to me over the past few years. I don't know how I would have ever survived so many of my obstacles without their consistently wonderful laughter and love for each other. I know you guys thought I'd never be good at the family thing, but I'd like to think that maybe you'll take note of my realization about how important we are to each other. I feel like it's one of the very few things I've done right over the past few years. Anyway, I guess that's it for the night.
Hopefully I'll read this tomorrow and it'll inspire me. Love you guys.
Myspace comments:
Courtney: Maybe when i move home, we can go on some new adventures together and try to make this the best time of our lives
Shaun: Fabulous stuff. One of the most powerful writings I've ever read by anyone--truly masterful. I've always thought that you are years ahead of your time and this entry justifies that notion. Your words beautifully capture your feelings of disappointment and pain. I don't think that there's anyone who couldn't relate to your feelings--it's just that they would have a difficult time describing the feelings as eloquently as you have. As you can tell--I get very excited by truly soulful writing and it's very rare to read one these days. I can tell that your entry comes straight from the heart.
In regards to the actual content of the writing, I have missed your writings. You were a blog pioneer and I remember logging-on every night to read your entries (I hope you've saved them). It's refreshing to see that creative spirit flow through your fingers again. I remember reading a quote one time that "you never know yourself until you write", and I couldn't agree more. It's the kind of nourishment that we don't get in day-to-day casual conversation and interaction. It's the good stuff. It's the important stuff. I hope you'll renew your writings not because I enjoy reading them so much, but because it's healthy--it's a release--and I think it will help you tremendously as you navigate the trails of life.
You have been quite busy as of late, which is good and bad. Good for obvious reasons--it's nice to experience new things, but it can be deadly if we don't stay in-touch with ourselves because it can cover up things which we don't want to confront. This is the first time I've ever heard you express that you realize that you selected the wrong college. Now--I could rub it in right now and say I tried to tell you so, but you wouldn't listen to me. But what good does that do. It's not about right and wrong. I've made plenty of mistakes in my life and it's not the most fun thing when people exacerbate the problems. Anway, I will just say that I really thought it would be best for you to stretch your horizons. You had the grades to get into an elite school outside of GA and I think we could get in hindsight that you might have been better off listening to your brother, but that's not the point. The point is--we make decisions that we have to live with everyday. And at the end of the day it should be our decision--ours alone. The only person you ever have to answer to is yourself. And you made the decision you felt was best for you and it hasn't been all bad I'm sure, but hindsight is 20-20 and now perhaps you wish that you had made a different decision, but that's life. The past is done. All we have is the present and the future. We can change our course. We can learn from our mistakes. We can live where we want and do what we want to do. It's a mindset--we have to engage our inner selves. The funny thing is that I remember not acknowledging to myself that I had selected the right school until the week before my graduation. I was talking to mom on a pay phone and I distinctly remember telling her that it just hit me that I had chosen the right school!
For most people college is the best of times, but for you it will be different. I know I'm one of the people that told you that, but clearly our experiences have been different. You'll find happiness one day and you'll know it. With every nerve in your body, you'll know when something, someone, and somewhere feels right and you'll do everything you can to hold onto it. I guess I never realized how unhappy you were with college until just now and now I can understand you wanting to finish it as quickly as possible. The way you described your college experience reminds me of the way I felt about my high school experience. I never felt like I got the most out of times. What I try to do now is to suck the marrow out of life. To live in the present. I try to minimize my regrets as much as possible. I've always said that change is good. Change is healthy. Change is how we grow. But change is scary--terrifying at times. And the things that we are the most scared to do are exactly the things we need to do the most. It's so easy to get comfortable. But easy is not always what we need. The things that give us the most gratification in life seem to be the ones that were the most difficult to accomplish.
I'm hoping that your time in OH will be fruitful. I don't like to give up on people very easily myself and some are worth fighting for. However, relationships are a two-way street and no single person can control them. If your differences with Jennifer are settled it will because you both wanted that--not just because of you. And sometimes friendships fade, people come and go--we never forget them or the experiences we had, but sometimes we have to learn to release things that aren't working--that aren't healthy--that aren't benefitting us. Perhaps this trip to OH will be the last hurrah or perhaps it will be a new beginning, but I'm quite sure that whatever happens will happen for a reason and you will learn and grow from it either way.
I appreciate your words about family. And I echo those words. The older we get the more we realize that family is everything. Without family you have nothing. There is nothing that has made me happier in the past year than becoming closer to you. Our age gap separated us for many years, but I always hoped that as we grew older the effect would lessen. And I feel that it has. I feel like I know you at last. That is the biggest reason I decided to move back to Atlanta was to re-ground myself in the people who care about me the most. The world can be cruel at times and when we are lost...when we are heartbroken...we crave family. For that encouragement. For that happiness that it brings, especially around the holidays.
You are a very important piece of my life and I want you to know that I love you and I care about you and I want nothing more than for you to be happy. And you will be. Keep your head up--even through the tough times. You will see the light at the end of the tunnel. Your best days are ahead and don't you ever think otherwise...