Loneliness
Kalungkutan.
Kung mayroong human organ na nagdudulot ng kalungkutan, sigurado akong close sila ni stomach. Bakit kamo? Kasi pag nagugutom ako, kinakain ko ang lahat-- yelo, asin, hilaw na pasta, kalamansi. Para lang matugunan ang aking pangangailangan. Ganun din pag nalulungkot ako o nasasaktan, lahat ginagawa ko para mapawi ang emosyong unti-unting lumalamon sa aking katinuan.
Alam kong malungkot ako kapag paulit-ulit akong tumitingin sa cellphone ko at naiinis kasi yung mga hinihintay kong mag-reply ay hindi sumasagot (tinamaan ata ng kidlat). Minsan naman ay nagpapakalunod ako sa mga DVD sa bahay at kahit halos kabisado ko na ang mga pangalan ng make-up artist at cameraman nung pelikula ay inuulit-ulit ko pa rin para lang mawala sa alaala ko na may kung anong masakit sa puso ko.
Pero pag gumana na ang kamandag ng kalungkutan sa akin, wala na talaga akong magawa. Manood ng tv? Fifty plus channels of boredome. Makinig ng radio? Haay puro commercials. Sinusubukan kong matulog, paggising ko ay tila na may talking alarm clock na nagsasabing "Malungkot ka! Malungkot ka!"
Haay buhay, parang life.
Kaya ang last resort ko ay eto, ang mag-blog. Tapos habang nagbabasa ako sa net ay may sinabi si Lord na ang lakas ng impact sakin through this passage.
"Loneliness is also an opportunity for us to ask God what he wants to let surface in our hearts. It gets our attention and consequently we're driven to ask our Father what he's trying to tell us. What are you trying to get me to notice, Lord? What relational pattern are you trying to free me from? How am I sabotaging the good things you're trying to give me? What new thing do you want to do at this point in my journey?"
Pagkatapos ko yung mabasa ay talaga namang na-enlighten ako. I draw closer to God as I let the pain subside. I discovered new things about my faith and my love for Jesus grew more .
Blessing in disguise nga ang loneliness. I was able to pray for people who had caused me pain and I really felt a great revival. I was able to confide to God my future plans, I learned so much about Bible's defintion about love and patience. I also learned the value of forgiveness.
Current status ko ngayon? Happy na. Pero hindi naman naging instant ang lahat at hanggang ngayon ay nasa proseso pa rin ako sa pag overcome ng kalungkutan na ito. Yung matinding sakit na nangibabaw sa akin dahil sa sobrang expectation ay nailapit ko na kay God. Sabi nga sa bible "His joy is my strenght."
Dahil sa mga bago kong nalaman I decided to persevere and continue praying for the one who is dear to me and believe in this wonderful message.
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails. "
-1 cor 13:4-8
original date written: March 16, 2008