1500 days without sex...
We live in a hyper-sexual world. There's no way to escape provocative images in media, news, television, film. We've become so saturated with provocation that many have become desensitized to it, and I believe this trend has caused a serious problem with human relations and the ability to experience pure intimacy with another. Such primal connections between a man and woman are necessary for survival on multiple levels, and the entire human race depends on them to a large extent. I'm not speaking only in the context of procreation, but also in the context of pure and positive emotions, energies and life forces free from superficial ties, as these things can rarely sustain relationships long term, or ensure that societies remain cohesive and progressive.
I've watched curiously over the years as my friends play online dating games, spinning like hamsters in a wheel at a frantic pace, moving from one partner to the next. Yet they go absolutely nowhere, stuck in the same cage of loneliness year after year. What does all of this dating and fucking get you in the end? For me, absolutely nothing but exhaustion, frustration and frayed nerves. So, I gave up on these games long ago, and have been in a celibate state for prolonged periods during various phases of life. Today I'll share some insight into the positive and negative aspects of this choice, which very few understand.
My whole life I thought differently about sex compared to the masses. What exactly is "sex"? For the purpose of this post, I'm speaking about penetration, not other forms of sensual contact, with yourself or another. I was the last of all my friends to lose my virginity, and I wrote about the beautiful experience here. I'm not a psychologist, but the root of this distinction is probably connected to my warm, loving and large family, and especially my very present father. I grew up with constant attention, love, support, a lot of hugs and positive reinforcement. Thus, there was never a need to search for validation from men in the same way women with unstable or absent fathers sometimes do. The "daddy complex" - it's a very real thing I've seen manifested in women at various points in life.
Because I'm an innately sexual and uninhibited person, self-pleasure was never an issue for me, and masturbation was the norm since teenage years. I embraced it with a lot of vigor and experimentation. So, I was able to achieve the rush and release of orgasm on my own, and craved physical contact with men for other reasons. It was like a search for a connection on a very cerebral level, because for me sex without some type of bond beyond the pure physical is meaningless. The few times I've engaged in these games, there was a feeling of complete void afterward. This connection doesn't have to be love - it can be a shared interest, ignition of arousal through intelligent discourse, or some other magical force that cannot be explained, but exists in a given moment. However, I cannot in any way relate to these modern trends where people just flip through their mobile device or laptop screens, glimpsing at one photo after the next, viewing people like shiny items on display in a market.
I’m quite certain that two strangers can achieve a high level of pleasure and satisfaction on a purely carnal level, but real intimacy requires communication, gentle direction and openness. No two people are the same - pleasure and erotic points vary, rhythms, desires...for me, there must be some level of trust in the other person that he will not simply use, abuse and discard me like a child who grows bored with a new toy after a few weeks. That he will not grow insulted or offended by direction, discussions about experimentation, and mainly that he's not a selfish lover. Because this type of man - the absolute worst, and there is no place for them in my life.
Everyone is conditioned to think they need more, more and more sex, just like material things. Yet for me it is not about quantity, but quality. Perhaps it is just biological female programming, or something else, not sure. It is just the way I am, and I’ve never felt any need or desire to change this aspect of my personality and being.
About the benefits of celibacy - well, they seem quite obvious and logical to me, though they may vary depending on the person. The main benefit for me in the beginning is that it allowed me to disengage from a lot of false beliefs and expectations about sex. All the rest - of course, it allows you more time to focus on yourself, understand your own body and needs, pursue other activities, and not be engaged with potential partners who negatively affect your self-esteem, body image, or sense of being worthy of love...lots of other things. By being a bit patient and taking the time to know a man, his expectations, and whether they are aligned with my goals and purpose in life, there is a higher probability that some type of unconditional love may build, rather than mere lust. At least for me personally, although we are all blinded by love, even tricked by it on occasion, no matter how many precautions we take.
The downsides - sometimes it can be frustrating! :) Yet for me, a few moments of pleasure or ecstasy don't outweigh the awful feeling of developing false or superficial attachments to the wrong man. For the weak or those bound by societal expectations, I suppose another downside is that many people will view your behavior as “strange” or “abnormal”. They will continually question how you can survive without sex for more than a few weeks, or even days. But, really, have you ever heard of someone dying from lack of sex? :) Being sexually frustrated, rejected or used can impact mood, self-perception, self-esteem and many other things - in both positive and negative ways - but it will not lead to death.
Finally, I want to say that this is not a judgment on people who are promiscuous, or those who have one night stands, all of the things that are mostly mainstream in society now, at least here in the USA. This especially pertains to females - because all of these labels such as whore, slut, tramp…so many other derogatory insults which misogynists continually throw around - they are the biggest examples of gender bias that exist. Women, like men, are free to do what they wish with their bodies, and with whom. And they should not be judged in any way for it, whether it's choosing abstinence or going on some wild fucking spree with dozens of men. By the way, what exactly makes a woman a “slut” - how fast she sleeps with you, how many men she has slept with, or some other ridiculous parameter…?
I’ve learned to never say never. Maybe someday I’ll meet a man that is so attractive, so engaging or magnetic, that I’ll immediately want to jump on top of him and bare my full body…who knows? I highly doubt it though, because the main pathway to arousal and any erogenous zone for me is the mind, and you cannot instantly look inside, feel or begin to understand this layer of another human instantly…only over time. Unless, of course, they are merely superficial, shallow beings, in which case it is quite easy, but I’ve never been attracted to this type of man.
Why do I write this now? Because this week I dealt with some real chauvinist pigs on Facebook, and recently read a very good piece in TIME magazine about porn addiction. The article discussed how many men who grew up in the first generation where porn was instantly available in copious amounts for free online are now turning away from it, and even taking the same approach as me to sexual relations. You do not have to agree with this view, I simply express it to show a different mindset, and honestly because I grow tired of how women are portrayed in media, here on LJ, and in society in general. We do not all use sex as a manipulation tool, or feel the constant need to display our tits and ass in some type of parade to attract attention or profit….and while sex is an expectation in any relationship, never once have I felt an obligation or any guilt for not providing it “on demand” to any man, at any point, in any relationship. If that makes me ruthless, so be it. :))