His Story: Random Thoughts and Worries
I guess when you break it all down, he was just scared. It's kinda like having a magnetized metal and a huge magnet, on either end of a busy road, you know for a fact that being that close in proximity, you're bound to be brought together. But of course there is traffic played by hurt feelings and broken hearts, and even though he and she didn't want it to happen, that traffic tends to hurt when you're being hurled right into it. Oncoming traffic, that's a pretty damn good metaphor. He didn't want to be in that city ever again, he didn't want to even risk the chance. Both had pretty much moved on from the situation, she had her life and her new man, he had his life and his...well...school. It's like the same. Shut up. But he didn't give her a chance to defend herself, say goodbye or well...defend herself. He knew that a lone was eating away at her. That's just what he needed, to be in the area and be blindsided by her in a over dramatic and weekly episodic way. He was more afraid of his own reaction to seeing her...would he give the cold shoulder? Or would he burn with rage and disgust and lash out in screaming and yelling till he reduced her to tears?...What if she lashed out...and reduced him to tears? Scared.
Andy didn't care so much that she didn't care. He honestly was moving closer to indifference everyday. He still wanted to see Becky and Mike, and hang out with the wonderful people who occupied space in the city 2 hours away. He just didn't want that final meeting or the next meeting. Not yet. Preferably not ever. Mike would think he was a pussy. Tell him to man up, fuck that bitch and come hang out with him. Funny thing was, Andy was more different than anyone realized. Not yet dead emotionally, but pretty damn close. His initial attempt at putting up emotional walls or barriers was simply like putting up a child proof guard gate. But when you start piling on more things in front of the gate, it does begin to resemble a wall. He'd already started with Monica and Tim's ex Ally...and continued with his former best friend Ed. He felt the wall gaining strength, gaining confidence. He was changing emotionally more than most people were willing to notice. That's what happens when you're wounded he thought. You get cut, it bleeds, it begins to cauterize, then scabs over and then leaves a scar. Still afraid. Damn it.
He was gonna make it work. Clear his schedule to go see his friends. Even if that meant risking a chance encounter with Lilly...no not Lilly...just...her. With her. an encounter with her. He didn't want to hear that name ever again. He didn't want to know that name existed. It made it easier to deal with her being out of his life now. It made it easier to sleep at night again. It kept her from haunting his dreams and his memories. It made it easier...to think. It well, made him cold. Made him mysterious. Made him stronger. No, that's a lie. It made him weaker. But it kept him protected. Protected.
His thought wondered as he typed up a fictitious version or re-telling of the circumstances of he and her. He nicknamed her Ariel in his story, cause it was his favorite of the Disney movies and she loved Disney movies. She sang to him once you know. Sang him his favorite song...and brought tears to his eyes. Ariel and Eric, he named them in the story. His fake story. His way of therapeutically dealing with the mess it had become in his head and his heart. She sang for him more than once, but it was only that time, that first time she sang, that he cried. Because it was so touching, so beautiful and it was his. Just for him. She did it, just for him.
And that feeling of emptiness...contempt and distrust...she did that for him too. Just for him. She did that as well, just for him.
Andy didn't care so much that she didn't care. He honestly was moving closer to indifference everyday. He still wanted to see Becky and Mike, and hang out with the wonderful people who occupied space in the city 2 hours away. He just didn't want that final meeting or the next meeting. Not yet. Preferably not ever. Mike would think he was a pussy. Tell him to man up, fuck that bitch and come hang out with him. Funny thing was, Andy was more different than anyone realized. Not yet dead emotionally, but pretty damn close. His initial attempt at putting up emotional walls or barriers was simply like putting up a child proof guard gate. But when you start piling on more things in front of the gate, it does begin to resemble a wall. He'd already started with Monica and Tim's ex Ally...and continued with his former best friend Ed. He felt the wall gaining strength, gaining confidence. He was changing emotionally more than most people were willing to notice. That's what happens when you're wounded he thought. You get cut, it bleeds, it begins to cauterize, then scabs over and then leaves a scar. Still afraid. Damn it.
He was gonna make it work. Clear his schedule to go see his friends. Even if that meant risking a chance encounter with Lilly...no not Lilly...just...her. With her. an encounter with her. He didn't want to hear that name ever again. He didn't want to know that name existed. It made it easier to deal with her being out of his life now. It made it easier to sleep at night again. It kept her from haunting his dreams and his memories. It made it easier...to think. It well, made him cold. Made him mysterious. Made him stronger. No, that's a lie. It made him weaker. But it kept him protected. Protected.
His thought wondered as he typed up a fictitious version or re-telling of the circumstances of he and her. He nicknamed her Ariel in his story, cause it was his favorite of the Disney movies and she loved Disney movies. She sang to him once you know. Sang him his favorite song...and brought tears to his eyes. Ariel and Eric, he named them in the story. His fake story. His way of therapeutically dealing with the mess it had become in his head and his heart. She sang for him more than once, but it was only that time, that first time she sang, that he cried. Because it was so touching, so beautiful and it was his. Just for him. She did it, just for him.
And that feeling of emptiness...contempt and distrust...she did that for him too. Just for him. She did that as well, just for him.