Friday Night.....And Here I Am.
I want to reflect on some things that have happened to me recently. First off, suddenly i find my self more aware and able to spell. I don't know why, i don't know how. I still screw up lots of words, but for some odd reason, as of late, I have been correcting my own stuff before i publish a messed up word. ::shrugs:: This goes hand in hand with my sudden ability to harmonize and use close to proper pitch when singing. Ask Jack. It's weird.
I turned 26 last week. I am on the wrong side of 25 and this has really brought to my attention a lot of things that, quite frankly, i don't have that i do want. Like a family. Children. A wife. Love. I want to be a father, i want to be a husband. I want to build my own life and share it with my loved ones. I am done baking and have been for quite some time. I thought maybe i was still doughy, but after the the events of this past winter and spring, well to be honest, much like my sudden ability to sing better and spell correctly, i find myself seeing things for what they are and what they aren't. I have a fundamental understanding of myself, enough so that i have begun to make significant changes in my life. Reminding people that i am not someone to walk all over or think low of. That i do do things that are nice and go out of my way for those who deserve it. I also will not be taking crap that is undeserved. I don't want to just live my life, i want to experience it and cherish it and make it everything i can dream of and more. I want to live in the moment and really be grateful for all the wonderful things i have been blessed with. I hit a very very dark low last month and i have been clawing my way out of it since. I feel like i am almost there. Almost out of it all. One step at a time.
I have no feelings, romantically, physically or emotionally for any one girl/woman/lady/female right now. I care about a lot of people deeply, and always will, but i have no affiliation or connection to anyone. For the first time in almost...10 plus years, i don't have a crush or anyone in my life who i wish to pursue. Clean slate. I have no one pursuing me either. I am on an island and right now, it's probably for the best. Because i am not sure if i am emotionally in a good enough place to give my entire heart right now after how it's been misused, mistreated and abandoned this past year. But mainly, no one has shown interest in me. That pretty much speaks for itself.
I can't lie to myself anymore and try and pretend like everything is great, cause it's not. But it's also not that bad. I am stuck in some sort of middle ground and up is so far away and down is tugging at my feet, trying to bring me back into that despair. But i am better than that. I am bigger than that. I am stronger than that and for while there i didnt want to fight. I didn't want to make it better and see the brighter side, i wanted to crawl up, lock myself away, curl up and just bare. But life is about fighting for what you want, not being a coward and running away from problems. It's about making a difference, being happy and always standing up for what you believe in and i am tired of making excuses for myself and others. ESPECIALLY for myself though. I saw something in myself that i have never seen before and that was cowardice. I was afraid of failure, afraid of abandonment and afraid of being perceived as useless or pointless. But i am none of these things. Fundamentally, i know what i am capable of and what it is i can do with the time i have on this earth. I have seen my short comings and my downside and when you see something is wrong or can take full understanding in the things you yourself do wrong, then you have no excuse to not make an adjustment to correct these things. And if you don't take the time to better these short comings, people will take notice and they will look down on you and in that moment of truth, you will have no one to blame but yourself. And i know this to be true, because i had no one to blame but me. Only me.
When Kelly blew out her ACL last year i made it my mission to take care of her. I stood by her side for weeks, keeping her motivated to get back to being healthy. Reminding her of how strong she was and that she was gonna over come this injury. Held her tight and told her it was gonna be hard, but that id be there with her every step of the way. I remember picking her up and carrying her to the bathroom and holding her up while she showered before work and then helping her dress and driving her to work and wheeling her down the hallway in a crappy computer chair. I did this for two weeks. All the while i had to work too. I remember when she first started walking without crutches and the feeling of pride in her, to see her advance and heal. To see her go to physical therapy and get stronger and stronger, was something that meant a lot to me. Because i believed in her and she believed in her self.
Boy what a difference a year makes...When i blew out my shoulder, Ian drove me home from the event. I took a nasty bump during the very last match of the evening. Partially separated my shoulder, blowing out the muscle that holds it in in the process. Ian drove me home, made sure i was able to feed Nick and Chars cats and made sure i was alright. He had to leave though and there i was, at home, by myself. My parents told me to ice it and that i didn't need to go to the hospital cause they had enough bills coming from my brother who was battling Chrones disease. I had no one. I had no one to help me shower. No one to help me dress. No one to help me ice down my arm. No one to help me get up the next morning, when i was in tears because the pain was mind numbing. I had no one to come over and hold me and tell me everything was going to be alright, to believe in myself and to remember that i was gonna get better. I had...nobody. I had amazing friends who checked in on me and told me they were sorry i hurt myself. But i had nobody to believe in me, but me. And i lost that belief in myself and i spun deeper into a depression. I was alone, i was injured and i was feeling pretty sorry for myself.
But i took care of myself. I dug deep and found the strength to rehab my arm myself. To ice my shoulder down. Figured out how to keep the pack from falling. Figured out how to get dressed and dry myself off after showers. Figured out how to go on living my life, even though i felt less of a person than i was before my injury. I nursed myself back to health, back to hockey, back to softball, back to feeling like my damn self and i did it alone, i did it all myself with no help, no aid. Yeah, i am still bitching about it...but i am also very damn proud of myself.
It's made me a stronger person and a better man.
My heart belongs to no one right now, but myself. Mainly because, i am the only person i can trust with it. Everyone else, tends to leave me in the end. And they leave me broken, battered and beaten.
Not anymore though. Because i am to strong to let that happen again. And when i give my heart away it's going to be to someone who won't leave me when the chips are down. To someone who will see how great of a person i am and want to take the next step with me because i am worth the risk. My heart will belong to someone who can love me with as much heart, soul and passion and i can them.
I saw what was wrong in my life...and i am fixing it now. Don't pity me. Just be happy for me, because eventually, all of this....ALL of this...is going to pay off.
I just gotta be patient.
:)
I turned 26 last week. I am on the wrong side of 25 and this has really brought to my attention a lot of things that, quite frankly, i don't have that i do want. Like a family. Children. A wife. Love. I want to be a father, i want to be a husband. I want to build my own life and share it with my loved ones. I am done baking and have been for quite some time. I thought maybe i was still doughy, but after the the events of this past winter and spring, well to be honest, much like my sudden ability to sing better and spell correctly, i find myself seeing things for what they are and what they aren't. I have a fundamental understanding of myself, enough so that i have begun to make significant changes in my life. Reminding people that i am not someone to walk all over or think low of. That i do do things that are nice and go out of my way for those who deserve it. I also will not be taking crap that is undeserved. I don't want to just live my life, i want to experience it and cherish it and make it everything i can dream of and more. I want to live in the moment and really be grateful for all the wonderful things i have been blessed with. I hit a very very dark low last month and i have been clawing my way out of it since. I feel like i am almost there. Almost out of it all. One step at a time.
I have no feelings, romantically, physically or emotionally for any one girl/woman/lady/female right now. I care about a lot of people deeply, and always will, but i have no affiliation or connection to anyone. For the first time in almost...10 plus years, i don't have a crush or anyone in my life who i wish to pursue. Clean slate. I have no one pursuing me either. I am on an island and right now, it's probably for the best. Because i am not sure if i am emotionally in a good enough place to give my entire heart right now after how it's been misused, mistreated and abandoned this past year. But mainly, no one has shown interest in me. That pretty much speaks for itself.
I can't lie to myself anymore and try and pretend like everything is great, cause it's not. But it's also not that bad. I am stuck in some sort of middle ground and up is so far away and down is tugging at my feet, trying to bring me back into that despair. But i am better than that. I am bigger than that. I am stronger than that and for while there i didnt want to fight. I didn't want to make it better and see the brighter side, i wanted to crawl up, lock myself away, curl up and just bare. But life is about fighting for what you want, not being a coward and running away from problems. It's about making a difference, being happy and always standing up for what you believe in and i am tired of making excuses for myself and others. ESPECIALLY for myself though. I saw something in myself that i have never seen before and that was cowardice. I was afraid of failure, afraid of abandonment and afraid of being perceived as useless or pointless. But i am none of these things. Fundamentally, i know what i am capable of and what it is i can do with the time i have on this earth. I have seen my short comings and my downside and when you see something is wrong or can take full understanding in the things you yourself do wrong, then you have no excuse to not make an adjustment to correct these things. And if you don't take the time to better these short comings, people will take notice and they will look down on you and in that moment of truth, you will have no one to blame but yourself. And i know this to be true, because i had no one to blame but me. Only me.
When Kelly blew out her ACL last year i made it my mission to take care of her. I stood by her side for weeks, keeping her motivated to get back to being healthy. Reminding her of how strong she was and that she was gonna over come this injury. Held her tight and told her it was gonna be hard, but that id be there with her every step of the way. I remember picking her up and carrying her to the bathroom and holding her up while she showered before work and then helping her dress and driving her to work and wheeling her down the hallway in a crappy computer chair. I did this for two weeks. All the while i had to work too. I remember when she first started walking without crutches and the feeling of pride in her, to see her advance and heal. To see her go to physical therapy and get stronger and stronger, was something that meant a lot to me. Because i believed in her and she believed in her self.
Boy what a difference a year makes...When i blew out my shoulder, Ian drove me home from the event. I took a nasty bump during the very last match of the evening. Partially separated my shoulder, blowing out the muscle that holds it in in the process. Ian drove me home, made sure i was able to feed Nick and Chars cats and made sure i was alright. He had to leave though and there i was, at home, by myself. My parents told me to ice it and that i didn't need to go to the hospital cause they had enough bills coming from my brother who was battling Chrones disease. I had no one. I had no one to help me shower. No one to help me dress. No one to help me ice down my arm. No one to help me get up the next morning, when i was in tears because the pain was mind numbing. I had no one to come over and hold me and tell me everything was going to be alright, to believe in myself and to remember that i was gonna get better. I had...nobody. I had amazing friends who checked in on me and told me they were sorry i hurt myself. But i had nobody to believe in me, but me. And i lost that belief in myself and i spun deeper into a depression. I was alone, i was injured and i was feeling pretty sorry for myself.
But i took care of myself. I dug deep and found the strength to rehab my arm myself. To ice my shoulder down. Figured out how to keep the pack from falling. Figured out how to get dressed and dry myself off after showers. Figured out how to go on living my life, even though i felt less of a person than i was before my injury. I nursed myself back to health, back to hockey, back to softball, back to feeling like my damn self and i did it alone, i did it all myself with no help, no aid. Yeah, i am still bitching about it...but i am also very damn proud of myself.
It's made me a stronger person and a better man.
My heart belongs to no one right now, but myself. Mainly because, i am the only person i can trust with it. Everyone else, tends to leave me in the end. And they leave me broken, battered and beaten.
Not anymore though. Because i am to strong to let that happen again. And when i give my heart away it's going to be to someone who won't leave me when the chips are down. To someone who will see how great of a person i am and want to take the next step with me because i am worth the risk. My heart will belong to someone who can love me with as much heart, soul and passion and i can them.
I saw what was wrong in my life...and i am fixing it now. Don't pity me. Just be happy for me, because eventually, all of this....ALL of this...is going to pay off.
I just gotta be patient.
:)