(no subject)
i know i am consistantly a whiny little bitch in these posts and i don't like it. depression has taken over my brain and all i can think of is the extreme negative. a lot of bad has been happening to people close to me and i feel unable to cope with it. so i guess i stick with the things i can, well, cope might be a little strong, but not completely lose it with.
my grandfather has demetia and my father is falling apart from it. and it takes mourning in its own right when you're losing someone even if their body still exists. it's really scary.
a close family friend just underwent surgery for breast cancer, a cousin is dealing with serious complications from a brain tumor, and my uncle's best friend since childhood just killed himself.
and my long-time friends are leaving me. probably because i'm a whiny bitchy ass.
thea said it was because she'd been using me as a sounding board and not a friend. because she felt she became negative and hypocritical around me. i think i can understand the negative part, but the rest.. i don't get it. i don't understand. fourteen years of friendship. unless someone is truly cruel, i do not dump their friendship. at least not on purpose. last year thea and i talked several times a week. how did it end up like this?
i'm in class right now, but am feeling miserable enough i needed to type something. i'm thinking of trying nanowrimo again so i force myself to write. stuff that isn't just feeling-sorry for myself garbage. there is good stuff in my life, i just have trouble seeing it. i can see my life is better than most people's, but that isn't the same as seeing the positive. i am going to counseling, but i missed my last appointment and they canceled the one for this week so i'm seeing someone different because i know i need it. i'm just scraping by in school and my personal life is just dead. my room should be considered a health hazard.
my grandfather has demetia and my father is falling apart from it. and it takes mourning in its own right when you're losing someone even if their body still exists. it's really scary.
a close family friend just underwent surgery for breast cancer, a cousin is dealing with serious complications from a brain tumor, and my uncle's best friend since childhood just killed himself.
and my long-time friends are leaving me. probably because i'm a whiny bitchy ass.
thea said it was because she'd been using me as a sounding board and not a friend. because she felt she became negative and hypocritical around me. i think i can understand the negative part, but the rest.. i don't get it. i don't understand. fourteen years of friendship. unless someone is truly cruel, i do not dump their friendship. at least not on purpose. last year thea and i talked several times a week. how did it end up like this?
i'm in class right now, but am feeling miserable enough i needed to type something. i'm thinking of trying nanowrimo again so i force myself to write. stuff that isn't just feeling-sorry for myself garbage. there is good stuff in my life, i just have trouble seeing it. i can see my life is better than most people's, but that isn't the same as seeing the positive. i am going to counseling, but i missed my last appointment and they canceled the one for this week so i'm seeing someone different because i know i need it. i'm just scraping by in school and my personal life is just dead. my room should be considered a health hazard.