(no subject)
so, according to most depression information, keeping a journal is a good idea. maybe it's how i stayed sane on this difficult summer. but i'm having trouble getting myself to write to just myself. and even if nobody reads this or cares, it feels like i'm still putting something of me out into the universe. even if it's a really negative, angry, depression something...it still says i exist. so i'm going to try to do this.
what i really want to do is write something really angry directed at katia telling her exactly why i feel such hatred towards her. but i don't really know if writing down hateful things can possibly do me any good. i switch back and forth constantly between grief and anger. it is a broken heart. and i realize because it wasn't a romantic or sexual or whatever relationship that people don't think it's that serious. but we were best-friends for ten years. ten fucking years. almost half my life and half of hers. but she changed in all the wrong ways and didn't change in all the wrong ways, if that makes any sense. the things that aren't a big deal in a thirteen year old, don't really work with a twenty-year old. and christchurch changed her to becoming desperate to fit in. it took away all the amazing things of how different she was and turned into a zombie girl. gender-rigid.
i just cannot respect people who live life as though they are going to go to jail if they break society's rules. i do my best to live my life the way i want society to be. i expect people to accept me with who i am and what i believe. she expects people to hate her if she doesn't follow their stupid rules.
i'm just sick of feeling lonely and lost all the time. katia was supposed to be my anchor, keeping me true to who i am and instead it was totally the opposite. i feel more adrift than ever and i keep pushing myself and i feel like i'm just pushing myself into a wall. have ever seen cattle stampede when there's no where to go? kinda like a meat grinder.
i exaggerate, of course, but every single thing i do--make food, shower, go to class, do homework, get ready for bed, wash dishes, go outside, everything!--feels hard. it feels like i am doing some of the most challenging things i've ever done even though i am barely doing the most basic things. i am not handling this. not really.
i'm seeing a counselor on friday, but i'm not really sure if it's the right thing to do. i'm been in therapy, on and off, since sixth grade. i'm still fighting the same battles. i don't know what to do. i don't want to go on any scary anti-depressants. and i'm kind of scared of some of the herbal ones, even. things get worse at night. i was supposed to go out tonight. there was an event i wanted to go to. but i didn't go. i got stuck. and didn't go. it took me all evening to read one chapter and take notes on it. i know i have been through worse. but katia was always there for me, even all the way in new zealand. i also know most of the world goes through worse. but it is a disease. and i am sick, bad. i have to take care of myself before i can take of other people. i wish it weren't so, but i'm afraid it might be.
what if i never get better?
what i really want to do is write something really angry directed at katia telling her exactly why i feel such hatred towards her. but i don't really know if writing down hateful things can possibly do me any good. i switch back and forth constantly between grief and anger. it is a broken heart. and i realize because it wasn't a romantic or sexual or whatever relationship that people don't think it's that serious. but we were best-friends for ten years. ten fucking years. almost half my life and half of hers. but she changed in all the wrong ways and didn't change in all the wrong ways, if that makes any sense. the things that aren't a big deal in a thirteen year old, don't really work with a twenty-year old. and christchurch changed her to becoming desperate to fit in. it took away all the amazing things of how different she was and turned into a zombie girl. gender-rigid.
i just cannot respect people who live life as though they are going to go to jail if they break society's rules. i do my best to live my life the way i want society to be. i expect people to accept me with who i am and what i believe. she expects people to hate her if she doesn't follow their stupid rules.
i'm just sick of feeling lonely and lost all the time. katia was supposed to be my anchor, keeping me true to who i am and instead it was totally the opposite. i feel more adrift than ever and i keep pushing myself and i feel like i'm just pushing myself into a wall. have ever seen cattle stampede when there's no where to go? kinda like a meat grinder.
i exaggerate, of course, but every single thing i do--make food, shower, go to class, do homework, get ready for bed, wash dishes, go outside, everything!--feels hard. it feels like i am doing some of the most challenging things i've ever done even though i am barely doing the most basic things. i am not handling this. not really.
i'm seeing a counselor on friday, but i'm not really sure if it's the right thing to do. i'm been in therapy, on and off, since sixth grade. i'm still fighting the same battles. i don't know what to do. i don't want to go on any scary anti-depressants. and i'm kind of scared of some of the herbal ones, even. things get worse at night. i was supposed to go out tonight. there was an event i wanted to go to. but i didn't go. i got stuck. and didn't go. it took me all evening to read one chapter and take notes on it. i know i have been through worse. but katia was always there for me, even all the way in new zealand. i also know most of the world goes through worse. but it is a disease. and i am sick, bad. i have to take care of myself before i can take of other people. i wish it weren't so, but i'm afraid it might be.
what if i never get better?