(no subject)
when i get into depression mode, which i admit is often, although not usually as bad as it is currently, i have to applaud myself on everything i get done even when it is no where near my goal of what i know i should be able to accomplish.
today i am applauding myself for going outside and to a friend's house to see if they were home with no other motivation. i can get myself to go outside for school, work, and if i am invited out i will force myself to go. i can, after a certain amount of persuasion, run necessary errands like for groceries, but sometimes it takes longer than it should. so me going outside to see if a friend was around and then calling up a couple of friends to see if they were available this weekend meant i was taking initiative, something i have done very little of in recent weeks.
it feels completely ridiculous to me how hard the most basic things are. my regular depressions, usually seasonally related, usually involve me eating large quantities of food in front of my computer but my loneliness causes me to search people out and actually try to make human contact.
my worst depressions are when i have to force myself to eat, make myself food, take basic care of myself, when seeing friends feels more obligation than chance to get out. when my hands start shaking at writing about such weakness in me. i haven't been this severely depressed since summer 2005 when i had a nervous breakdown and then broke up with my unhealthy relationship. this summer i did not have a real breakdown, but i broke up my best-friend of ten years and had to spend all summer in her constant company while traveling through foreign countries.
of course i tell people i had a great summer. central america was amazing; i am so lucky to have the opportunity to do this. i definitely want to go back. i learned so much.
yeah. i definitely learned a lot.
and i feel so selfish when i get depressed. i mean, really, this kind of depression only seems to really occur in the well-off. maybe it comes from the amount of free time we have to over-analyze and mope around. or maybe the type of genetics that caused your family to become well-off in the first place is also the kind susceptible to depression.
all of my family has struggled with depression. my parents, my brother, my biological aunt and uncle, a non-biological uncle, my father's parents... my sister less so than the rest of us and i'm hoping my cousins are doing okay, and my maternal grandparents would never admit a thing, but... obviously the biology is there, but why? so many people have actually had bad lives and just get over it.
at this point i'm worried about three main things:
1. this is going to get worse as winter comes on and i won't manage all my responsibilities and will fail my classes and lose my major and not graduate...
2. i hate whenever i am wasting my short life. when i'm not having fun or being productive and instead am just wasting my time watching stupid TV.
3. it took me a year to get over my most serious relationship of one year. this is a ten year relationship ending. will it take me a decade to get over? how the hell do i move past someone i loved at least as much as my immediate family who is not someone i like or respect at all anymore...?
yeah, i'm a whiny bitch. and i only write in this journal when i'm depressed so anyone who is still reading this but not talking to me in real life must be really annoyed with me. gah.
love you anyway.
today i am applauding myself for going outside and to a friend's house to see if they were home with no other motivation. i can get myself to go outside for school, work, and if i am invited out i will force myself to go. i can, after a certain amount of persuasion, run necessary errands like for groceries, but sometimes it takes longer than it should. so me going outside to see if a friend was around and then calling up a couple of friends to see if they were available this weekend meant i was taking initiative, something i have done very little of in recent weeks.
it feels completely ridiculous to me how hard the most basic things are. my regular depressions, usually seasonally related, usually involve me eating large quantities of food in front of my computer but my loneliness causes me to search people out and actually try to make human contact.
my worst depressions are when i have to force myself to eat, make myself food, take basic care of myself, when seeing friends feels more obligation than chance to get out. when my hands start shaking at writing about such weakness in me. i haven't been this severely depressed since summer 2005 when i had a nervous breakdown and then broke up with my unhealthy relationship. this summer i did not have a real breakdown, but i broke up my best-friend of ten years and had to spend all summer in her constant company while traveling through foreign countries.
of course i tell people i had a great summer. central america was amazing; i am so lucky to have the opportunity to do this. i definitely want to go back. i learned so much.
yeah. i definitely learned a lot.
and i feel so selfish when i get depressed. i mean, really, this kind of depression only seems to really occur in the well-off. maybe it comes from the amount of free time we have to over-analyze and mope around. or maybe the type of genetics that caused your family to become well-off in the first place is also the kind susceptible to depression.
all of my family has struggled with depression. my parents, my brother, my biological aunt and uncle, a non-biological uncle, my father's parents... my sister less so than the rest of us and i'm hoping my cousins are doing okay, and my maternal grandparents would never admit a thing, but... obviously the biology is there, but why? so many people have actually had bad lives and just get over it.
at this point i'm worried about three main things:
1. this is going to get worse as winter comes on and i won't manage all my responsibilities and will fail my classes and lose my major and not graduate...
2. i hate whenever i am wasting my short life. when i'm not having fun or being productive and instead am just wasting my time watching stupid TV.
3. it took me a year to get over my most serious relationship of one year. this is a ten year relationship ending. will it take me a decade to get over? how the hell do i move past someone i loved at least as much as my immediate family who is not someone i like or respect at all anymore...?
yeah, i'm a whiny bitch. and i only write in this journal when i'm depressed so anyone who is still reading this but not talking to me in real life must be really annoyed with me. gah.
love you anyway.