Comments | peacebone: Writing. Angst. AAAANGST.

peacebone

Writing. Angst. AAAANGST.

Nov 16, 2008 00:30

So, while we were at Powell's today after the protest, sakuratsukikage picked up a book of 1,001 writing prompts. This evening, we all had a writing party in the apartment living room. It was excellent. My prompt was: "Look... I'm making eggs. There's no deeper meaning to anything I'm doing here. It's breakfast. Plain and simple." The core image itself started ( Read more... )

writing, ryoukai, toisian

Comments 4

sakuratsukikage November 16 2008, 09:16:16 UTC

Um, wow. That was, indeed, angsty.

First things first.

I love Ryoushi. (I am a complete fangirl for him.)

Kaida is a badass. She always has been and continues to be so. I think Midori has sort of a crush on her, in the platonic way you get crushes on people you think are amazingly cool.

Now that that's out of the way :P.

Man, the beginning was just . . . ouch. It's a beginning that's been done before in writing, so it feels very familiar, follows a set pattern, in a way, and so you can see it coming, but it's still . . . . ouch, and it feels totally new and shocking and very personal--you really feel that this is his loss in that section, and that's very impressive to me ( ... )

sakuratsukikage November 16 2008, 09:42:22 UTC

When I say ouch I generally mean it squeezed my heart in a painful but still very good way. XD It also has the implication that I am inarticulate. :P So . . . yes.

sakuratsukikage November 17 2008, 07:20:35 UTC

I guess I'll just spam you with comments. Or something. Actually, I'm going to give you the more detailed and articulated commentary I mentioned last night. *nod nod*

To start with, I really liked the way you started it, the idea of a "sequence of sound," because that really captures the way the sound appears in your brain when you've been asleep and are just waking up, I guess. "Numbing veil" is a little bit of a mixed metaphor, but it still works well enough. I really liked this entire section:
he murmur of a cooking fire, gentle clinking and tapping of bowls and utensils, soft footsteps over tatami floors - and, after a few moments pulled him closer to waking, the smell of white rice and miso. The dreams had not cleared from his head, and to him, the blurred figure at the cooking fire was tall, smooth, full of grace and kindness, a shade of glossy black hair - he smiled to himself and relaxed. Natsumi was there, cooking the day’s rice, as she always did. Everything was well and normal. The past two years had been a nightmare ( ... )

sakuratsukikage November 17 2008, 07:20:48 UTC

He noticed that Kaida, standing near the fire, was holding a bowl of her own and had her eyes on him expectantly.

“It’s terrible,” he announced.

She drank. He knew that she knew he was lying.

“That’s twice, now, that I’ve saved your life,” she said, picking thoughtfully at the tofu with her chopsticks.

Dialogue here=win. That is all.

Besides,” she added, looking to the door and the sunlight that slowly grew bolder. “You were saying your wife’s name in your sleep. You’re as incapable of this as I am, if for different reasons ( ... )