[Fic] 赤 for a Snowflake
Part 4
Everything is going well.
Kame grows proud every time he hears Jin and the crowd screaming for him. LANDS is amazing and Jin is just simply breathtaking as he stands there, singing and looking as if he really belongs there. When they were younger, Kame has known that Jin already had the confidence of someone who’d take over the world. It used to be Jin’s dream. However, living as Natsu, Kame doesn’t know what he likes now. He doesn’t know if Jin’s dreams are the same with Natsu’s. Somewhere deep inside of him, Kame is scared of the thought if whether Jin’s feelings would bloom inside Natsu’s as well. It may, Kame thinks, but something is ought to change; the passion, intensity and maybe, the feeling of love itself.
With Jin singing onstage, Kame couldn’t help but notice his voice. The sound of it is dangerously sexy when the notes are low and when the melody climbs higher Jin matches it with effortless ease until every corner seems to reverberate with the soaring beauty of his voice. He used to just watch Jin from afar but now, he’s seated across Jin and nursing a cold bottle of beer in his hand. It feels good to watch him like this and whenever his eyes meet Jin’s, the sides of his lips curl upwards when Jin throws him a teasing smirk.
Kame doesn’t know that Jin is nervous, fully aware that Kame is watching him intently. He could feel Kame’s eyes on him and Jin has this urge to keep Kame’s attention focused on him. He feels like Kame used to watch him like this, maybe in the past, and it is only now that he realizes that Kame’s presence is the one that makes him want to give his everything in every song he sings. It’s as if pleasing Kame is something he has promised to do. He wants to be perfect in Kame’s eyes because Kame is just like that even with all of his flaws combined. Kame is just perfect in Jin’s eyes. But, Jin knows he couldn't. The lapses in his memory is enough proof that he won't ever be like Kame and he knows Kame would always see him as someone with a disability, someone that is literally blank and incomplete.
-
It is all so sudden. One minute, Kame is just on his phone, talking to Jin who can't sleep and the next minute, he's already watching Jin's gaze drop to his and Kame feels his heartbeat triple. Jin doesn’t know what’s gotten into him but he doesn’t regret kissing Kame like this now; wantonly, urgently and full of passion.
Jin's warm breath in his ears sends shivers up Kame’s spine. He knows the moment Jin's arm tightens on his waist and his lips begin to move insistently against his, that he couldn’t have been expecting this - not the stormy rush of sensation that made him gasp and cling tighter to him, nor the compulsion to yield his mouth to his searching tongue, nor the frantic beating of his heart while his fingers shove into his hair down to his nape, holding him tighter and never letting go.
Taking a deep breath, Jin leans over again, keeping his eyes open and watching Kame. But the other man didn't pull away and then it is happening again, Kame's lips are pressed to Jin's and they kiss for long moments. It is so chaste or it might have been if Jin's eyes hadn't been smoldering so fiercely as Kame pulls back.
"You used to kiss me all the time," Kame whispers hoarsely, putting it out there, stating it baldly as if convincing himself as well as Jin. Jin meets Kame's eyes with his.
"I may have forgotten," he whispers back, "but you feel familiar. All of these." He says, tracing the bridge of Kame's nose down to Kame's lips.
Kame's other hand comes up and he cups Jin's face tenderly. "Don't force yourself to remember everything, Jin." He says lightly.
"I know." Jin's eyes flicker away for a moment. "That's something to worry about tomorrow."
"Tomorrow," Kame says bemusedly. "That's a million years away."
Despite the intensity of the moment Jin huffs a laugh. Oddly, it makes him feel better. Jin turns his cheek into Kame's hand, feeling the warmth emanate from his flushed skin. "I want you." He tells Kame without any hesitation.
"Are you sure?" Kame asks with a soft tone of voice. Jin used to be in the same position he is in now.
"I want to make a memory of you, of all of you, Kazuya." Jin answers, looking into Kame's eyes and tracing the tiny mole there with his thumb. "And I want you to want it, too."
"Show me," Kame challenges. "Make me want it, too, then."
Jin's eyes search his and Kame meets them fearlessly, surer than ever that what is going on between them is right. Oddly enough, this is when Kame begins to feel really nervous. He could feel his heart pounding under his ribs as Jin's hands gently work the buttons on his shirt open. He spread the sides apart and studies the gray t-shirt Kame has on underneath.
"How many layers are you wearing?" Jin murmurs, his voice tinged with a bit of annoyance and teasing.
"It's cold," Kame stutters as he slips his arms from the shirt.
"I'd say you are too skinny," Jin says admiringly as he smoothes his hands over the planes of Kame's chest through the thin material. The open admiration brings a flush to Kame's cheeks.
Suddenly impatient, Kame pulls his shirt over his head and pushes Jin down to his bed, shivering as Jin's bare thigh slides against the well washed fabric of his jeans. Frowning in concentration, Kame licks his lips and leans forward, pressing an urgent kiss to Jin's lips, deliberately opening his mouth and stroking his tongue over the fullness of Jin's lips.
The lamp is behind them, limning their hair, turning it a soft gold in the muted light. Kame lies back on the pillow and gazes a little anxiously into Jin's eyes. "I don't want to mess this up," he tells him and he hears Jin chuckle.
Jin lays a hand on Kame's chest over the wild throb of his heart. "We can still stop this," he offers quietly and he knows he would be disappointed if Kame did stop. "I don't want you to do something you'll regret later."
And Kame actually considers that for a moment, considers getting up off his bed and leaving Jin there; he thinks of stepping away from this intimate little space they have created in this cozy little room.
However, Kame reaches out, wrapping a hand around Jin's shoulder, curving it over the sharp angle of his shoulder blade.
"But I don't want to," Kame admits. Jin's gentle concern fades and his eyes grow heated as they flit over Kame's face, from his beseeching eyes to the soft flush mantling high cheekbones to his lips.
"Stop me if it gets too much," Jin says thickly, but he didn't leave Kame even a moment to agree to the shaky request before his lips descend and there is no pushing him away this time as Kame part his lips to that unhesitating exploration, strong jaw opening as Jin's hand rests against it, cupping, stroking.
This is wildly familiar, Jin thinks, as he kisses Kame full on the lips. Jin could feel the familiarity of it through the strangeness - that these are the hands that have held him before, felt him.
There is a subtle shift of weight and then Kame is on top of him, around him, body pressed to his, hot naked skin sweat damp with arousal, pulse points beating rapidly. His eyes are wide open in the dim lamplight, fixed on Jin's and so full of love.
It has been so long since Jin's felt the satisfaction of a lover's weight pressing against him. Lifting his hips, he presses through the soft denim, at the warmth and heat. "This feels good," he whispers.
"It's supposed to." A soft murmur as talented lips crash into his mouth again and Kame kisses along Jin's jaw.
"Jin," he mutters, kissing feverishly down Jin's neck and into the hollow of his throat. Kame licks every spot and Jin gasps, throwing his head back against the pillow, arching his spine again, seeking that hardness in the place where he is now hard, hungry, needy.
Jin's hands reach out for Kame's waist, searching for the buttons to release him. "I need to feel you," he rasps beyond strangeness and familiarity, beyond right and wrong, falling deep into hunger and desire.
It has been so long since anything has felt this good, Jin thinks, as Kame tugs on his buttons free and then pulls at the waistband, taking jeans and black jockeys together, stripping them down his legs that buck impatiently and kick them loose.
And now it is all hot flesh and they are both beyond words as their hands roam, stroke, press into smooth skin, glorying in the sheer carnality of touch and sensation of taste. Kame gives himself to it, loving Jin so selflessly. Jin could only toss his head on the pillow and grip sweat slicked flesh that has picked up a rhythm, as familiar as his heartbeat, sliding against the cradle of his thighs. Long legs lift and wrap around Kame's narrow hips.
It has been so long since he's been touched, and held and stroked; since hands other than his own had slid down the flatness of his belly and just the act of someone else's hand, Kame's hand touching him there, is enough to send wild flutters through his overcharged senses.
And then Kame's hand finds him, wraps around him, wraps around both of them and Jin doesn't even have time to find that heartbeat rhythm again, he is coming, arching his back, holding Kame closer and tighter to him, gritting his teeth and throwing his head back as he let goes. Kame is there to catch him and he kisses him roughly.
Jin feels Kame relax on top of him, his lean, muscled form easily finding all the places they fit together and curving into them. Kame should have been heavy, it should have been uncomfortable but instead, it is the comfort Jin didn't even know he's been craving for such a long, long time.
They remain unmoving, only staring at each other's eyes through the darkness. The silence is deafening, heightened by the tension that surrounds the bedroom. It is Jin who shifts, covering Kame's body with his. He lifts his hand and cups Kame's cheek, stroking it with such tenderness that Kame has long been missing.
Kame quickly pulls Jin to him and roughly kisses him, dismissing further thoughts and just feeling the warmth that is being offered to him. Jin kisses him back just as fervently. Their teeth clink together, their tongues dancing within their mouths, and tasting each other with greed. This routine is all too familiar for them both.
Kame is pinned down on the bed, completely naked and with Jin looming over him. Jin looks beautiful and he glances to the wall on their side, sees their silhouette perfectly aligned. He looks at Jin again and Kame is left completely breathless at his beauty.
Jin's hands run down Kame's abdomen, feeling it taut and flat beneath his fingers, sending delicious chills coursing through Kame's body and a breathy sigh escapes through his lips. He kisses Kame's neck, lower still to his pale chest; from there, he nips on Kame's skin. His teeth sensually grazing over Kame's supple skin, biting and nipping at the soft flesh, leaving slightly visible red marks on Kame's otherwise pale skin. He goes lower still, darting his tongue out and leaving a hot and wet trail on Kame's navel, dipping his tongue and he feels Kame shiver. Then, when he has reached Kame's arousal, Kame gasps in surprise as he feels Jin's hot breath over him.
Jin kisses the head and then gives a long and languid lick, running his tongue from base to tip in an almost feral manner. Kame's hands immediately dig into Jin's hair, roughly grabbing the soft and dark locks. Jin is a tease and he teases the tip with his tongue, flicking it over the heated flesh, earning a low growl from Kame. And suddenly, he takes Kame's entire length in his mouth, making the younger male arch his back as he gasps at the feel of the heat. His teeth grazes only a little at the flesh as he sucks on Kame's manhood and Kame moans out in pleasure loudly that he becomes unsure if that is his voice he's hearing.
"Jin," Kame rasps Jin's name, licking at his lips. He runs his hands through soft obsidian locks, urging Jin to continue what he's doing. Jin looks at him with dark eyes before continuing to suck on Kame's length.
Moments later, a familiar hot coil starts to build up within him and Kame reaches his release, coming into Jin's mouth. He falls back down on the bed, his body slightly twitching as remnants of pleasure course through his sensitive body. Jin comes up then, licking that particularly sensitive spot just around Kame's neck, whispering Kame's name.
Jin captures Kame's lips with his. His tongue traces the insides of Kame's mouth, sucking and nipping at Kame's bottom lip. Kame moans into the kiss as Jin's tongue coaxes his to move. Their tongues slide against each other and the two of them hungrily explores, desperate to taste. Kame could taste himself on Jin's mouth and Jin tastes of something bitter, like dark chocolate and a little like coffee and something distinctly him, something distinctly Jin. When Kame feels that he could no longer hold his breath, he finally breaks apart from the kiss and stares into Jin's eyes.
"It's only midnight," Kame laughs softly and Jin likes the sound of it.
"We have all day tomorrow. It's your day off." Jin answers tiredly, his voice full of unspoken promises and lies. He moves closer to Kame, wants Kame to cuddle him and Kame does. With a last kiss from Kame, Jin drifts into the sweetest sleep he's had the past weeks.
-
Standing by the window, gazing out into a night as dark and blank as his memory, Jin is unable to find sleep. His thoughts are constant, ever changing as it is, and it seems as though there is no way for him to find dreams while his mind whirls without stop. It may have been stupid for him to hold on to his never-ending questions instead of giving up on them.
It is odd, but he wants to get away from his reality. He’s scared, terrified with the thought of waking up to a permanent blank mind and facing Kame each day. It may last forever and he’s scared that Kame won’t be able to hold on. He’s afraid that Kame would let go someday and he’d be left alone, confused of who he really is - Natsu or Jin - and that is why he decides to give up, forget the soul that has bonded him to his. He thinks that, if he could survive this, it would be no trouble moving on. He would pretend that it wouldn't hurt every time their eyes would meet when he breaks the news to Kame.
With a decision in mind, he turns away from the window, slipping under the covers as quietly as he could. They didn't even last until winter ends.
-
They are walking down the road to the park again. It's already night time and only a few people are on the street. The trees are lit by white flickers of light. Jin decides to make a right turn and Kame just follows, meeting the breeze of the wind, feeling himself shiver in the night. It makes him want to seek Jin's warmth and so, Kame moves closer to Jin, reaching out a hand to hold one of Jin's and when he does, Jin pulls away, slipping further away from Kame before coming to a stop. Kame doesn't say anything. Instead, he hides both of his hands in his coat's pocket. He feels colder than before.
Kame looks at Jin and he sees him looking up to the sky. Jin is absentmindedly watching the snow fall down and cover the ground beneath their feet. Lately, Jin has been having his moods. Kame couldn't grasp it at all and it makes him feel like a stranger to him. However, Kame refuses to say anything about it, thinking it wouldn't be good for Jin and his current state of health. He doesn't want to put any pressure on Jin. It would be better to follow Jin's pace after all. Despite that, Kame still feels happy now that they are together and nothing hurts. Or so Kame would like to think.
"Kame,"
"Hmm?"
"You know that I like you, right?" Jin begins to say as he tucks his hands inside his jeans pockets, balling them into tight fists until they hurt. "I'm happy when I'm with you and I'd like you to stay with me," he pauses for a little while and says, "but until now, I only have vague memories of you and what we used to have."
"What is this all about, Jin?" Kame asks, feeling his heart pounding against his ribs.
Jin takes a minute to ponder what he is about to say. He takes a deep breath and feels how his chest hurts when he tries to hold back the air that chokes him.
"I feel like I can't make you happy," he says honestly. "I am no longer Jin, Kazuya. We were happy together once. I'm sure we would still be if only things didn't turn out bad. But for now, I feel that I'm only hurting you and-"
"No, you're not!" Kame interrupts a bit harshly. He knows where this is heading to and he doesn't want this to end here, not when everything is gradually, finally moving to its right path.
"Liar." Jin voices out, chuckling bitterly. "I know I am. You can't hide anything from me because your eyes reflect how you feel."
"Jin, you-"
"Jin..." he says, "I can't be him. I've little memory of him. He's a stranger to me now. He's someone I don't know."
"But you are Jin!” Kame feels himself boil up in anger, mad at the other because Jin, insisting that he isn’t Jin, is nonsense and just full of shit. “No matter what, you are Jin and you will still be him."
"How can I?!" Jin snaps, feeling something in him finally break. "How can I be him when I can't recall who I used to be?"
"Ji-"
"Stop it!” Jin cries, sounding aggravated; painfully pretending to be. “No matter how hard I try I can't be him. I am living Natsu’s life now and Jin isn't coming back soon so stop it, Kazuya!"
"I can't!" Kame screams back, unable to stand the thought of Jin not coming back when he's here, right in front of him and saying things that still make no sense to Kame. "I can't." This time, Kame's resolve breaks and he feels himself surrender.
"Yes, you can." Jin says. He sounds calm now but the turmoil inside him is still going, wrecking him up like a ship in an angry sea. He wishes Kame has moved on instead of waiting for him. "You were able to when you thought that I was gone. If you didn't look for me, you would've moved on and if you have, I'm sure that you're happy now. You're strong and I know that Jin would like you to be the person you really are and not someone who's giving up on his dreams and hopelessly waiting for him to come back."
"You're not me so don't tell me what to feel and what to do." Kame remarks, he feels bile rise to his throat with every word he’s said. He doesn't like this and he hates the fact that he's hearing these words from Jin. He used to be someone optimistic, always looking on the bright side of things.
"Kazuya, you don't understand," Jin takes deep, slow breaths, making up his mind. "Just…please, let go." He says and every word he's uttered tastes bitter in his mouth.
"I can't," Kame shakes his head violently. "I've waited and-"
"I didn't ask you to! I am not him anymore. When will you learn to accept that fact?" Jin asks, angry at himself for still wanting to be with Kame, hating a part of himself for being happy knowing that Kame won't let go. “You long for who I was and I know, even if you're quiet about it, I know that you expect me to be him. I tried but I realized that I can't. I'm Natsu now. Don’t you think that I’m well aware of that? It’s difficult for me to be with you and ask myself every time of what should I remember for this day knowing that you’re hoping for me to remember our past. I can’t. Even if I force myself to remember what we had, I can’t.”
"I never told you to force yourself to remember us."
“You didn’t but it’s how I feel-“
“But what you feel is different from how I feel!” Kame cries out.
Jin feels himself weaken for Kame himself looks like a broken heart, his voice is like a glass shattering.
"I never forced you to remember me. I hoped, but I didn't tell you to remember what we had."
Jin shifts on his feet, feels himself wanting to run away. The desire to go and leave is just too strong that it tempts him to do just that. He doesn't want this.
"Ten years of my life I've lived Natsu's life," Jin says without any hesitations, "and I'm happy this way."
"You are happy that way?" Kame bits back a sob. He didn't want to hear that because Jin saying he's happy living Natsu's life is like a stab to his heart. Natsu doesn't know him. Natsu doesn't have Kame in his life.
"I am." Jin says quietly. "Jin's life...it seems so complicated. I'm not sure I'm strong enough to be Jin again. Jin and Natsu, they are like parallel lines to me. I can't live them both and I've been Natsu since I can remember and Natsu isn't a part of your life so I'm asking you to let go. Move on. We both need that."
Kame's heart shatters again and again in an instant. "But you promised..."
"I know, Kazuya, I know." Moving closer to Kame, Jin cups Kame’s face in his hands, tilting it to see Kame’s face and he watches him break into pieces, sees him falling apart as his mask wears off. He’s always seen Kame as someone strong and seeing him like this, like a leaf helplessly falling to the ground, Jin feels he isn’t worthy to hold him, to have him.
"Jin is so lucky to have someone like you, Kazuya." He whispers the name and without another word, he claims Kame's lips in a passionate kiss, one that's of goodbye and letting go. Jin breaks the kiss even if he really doesn't want to and he walks away, leaving Kame behind and just like that it's over, they are over and they are both going to start anew. He would continue to be Natsu and Kame...Kame would still be Kame, only without the chains of the past.
-
There is a café where Kame always goes. He likes it there for the café is quiet, cozy and hidden from the eyes of thousandths of strangers that walk the busy streets of Tokyo by day. Kame likes it there because it isn't far from his workplace, they serve his coffee right, their past is cooked al dente and the cakes he eat are never too sweet for his taste buds. However, Kame doesn't really go there anymore. He misses Koki and Nakamaru but they never really talk anymore except for the few messages Koki and Nakamaru sometimes sends him.
Yo! When are you dropping by?
Hey, Kame-chan, can you come by today? I miss you.
I made coffee for you. Pick it up, you lazy ass.
Kame-chan, are you well?
Oi, Kamenashi! Send me a message!
Kamenashi-kun, are you sick? Do you need someone to take care of you? Let me know, okay?
They are messages Kame reads but never answers. He misses them but Kame knows he wouldn't be able to visit them just yet. Glancing at his window, Kame blankly stares at the curtains he's impulsively bought. They're rich, thick and made of velvet. They're a deep color of red. A lot has changed and Kame's still working on it, working on picking up his life. He walks up to the curtains only to shut them tight. He doesn't stare outside his window anymore. He doesn't watch random people cross the street anymore. Kame couldn't even remember when he last came home. His bed reminds him of Jin. His pillows still have Jin's scent.
-
Having just finished a song, the band decides on a short break. He glances at his watch. 11:56 pm. It's almost midnight. Jin looks at the glass door then, seemingly waiting, for that someone to push the glass door in a slow manner. Jin waits but no one else is coming. He isn't coming to watch him play his last song tonight, just like the past nights.
Jin makes sure he's discreet, hiding half of his face in dark coils of hair that frame his face. However, this time, Jin is doing it to hide the disappointment that is obviously written on his face. He catches a glimpse of Koki and Koki is looking at him with disappointment, too, and Nakamaru's by Koki's side. He doesn't look happy as well but is more civil with his bitter feelings than Koki is. He wants to apologize but something tells him that Koki won't listen to him no matter what he says and Nakamaru...he'd only feel guilty knowing that Nakamaru would tell him it's okay and that he understands.
"Natsu, you ready?" Yukiya asks him. The name is familiar but Jin wonders if he really should still go by that name.
Still, Jin answers with a nod and he hears the beginning strums of the guitar. He takes his position, mic held by both of his hands and he sings. He hears his own voice flowing smoothly, beautiful and soft but this time, Jin knows he's singing with an empty heart. It's the twelfth night since he's last seen Kame.
-
The park is quiet. It's six in the afternoon and it's chilly. The cold stings deep into his bones. He doesn't really like this kind of weather for he couldn't really endure the cold for long and Jin wonders when he started walking down the road to this park. Since he and Kame stopped seeing each other, Jin rarely finds himself visiting this place. It only brings him memories that are too bittersweet. He wanted Kame to stay by his side but Jin couldn't live with that nagging frustration inside of him that builds up every day, every time he sees Kame. He wants to remember him. Knowing that he couldn't remember everything about Kame eats him up inside and Jin knows it will only bring him to the edge.
"Hi there, onii-san!"
Jin looks up and searches the park for that high-pitched voice and sees the girl in the swings. He waves a hand at her, walking towards the swings and Jin takes the seat next to hers.
"How are you?" He asks, smiling gently at the girl who seems livelier now, healthier. Her cheeks are flushed, lips in a healthy shade of pink. Her hands, curled around the chains of her swing, are covered in red mittens. She looks beautiful in her red winter coat.
"I'm doing really well," Ayase answers, returning the smile. "You?"
"I'm okay, I guess."
"Hmm..." Ayase plays with the clutter of snow beneath her feet. She moves her feet in all directions, watching the snow pile up on one side then to another. "I came to see Kazu-nii yesterday," she says, unconsciously waiting for a reply.
"Really?" Jin asks, eyes focused on Ayase's pink-coloured boots. They're bright and blinding against the white of snow.
"He doesn't look well," Ayase says as she starts to swing herself, loving the way her hair moves in the wind. "He must have caught a cold."
"Maybe." Jin absentmindedly agrees but is actually wondering how he would be able to get news about Kame. Kame's not one to ignore his health or maybe he is. He doesn't know and it's those little things that bother him.
"Onii-san," Ayase calls out and she looks at Jin with eyes that bear a child's innocence. "Have you ever forgotten about someone you love? Is that possible for a long time?"
The question hits Jin hard. He tries to find the right words to answer Ayase's question and the only thing he comes up with is, "Why do you ask?"
"You see, onii-san, I have a mom."
"We all do." Jin replies, chuckling slightly.
Ayase just smiles and continues her story. "She's really beautiful and many say that I look exactly like her. She tells me that, too, whenever she sees me. She says I'm pretty just like her."
"Of course, that's because you're her daughter." Jin teases.
Ayase looks at Jin and smiles but it doesn't reach her eyes. Jin hurts at the sight. "She says I'm going to grow up beautiful and that all the boys would have a crush on me. She says that when I'm older, someone special would take me to the Matsuri and ask me to watch the Hanami with him. She says that on Christmas day, someone special would take me for a walk and give me gifts. He would sing songs for me, she says."
"She's right." Jin finds himself agreeing. "But it happens one at a time, Ayase. Besides, you're still young and you still have years of Valentine's day and White day ahead of you before you find that someone special."
Ayase stops swinging, mitten-covered hands wiping the moisture that unwantedly formed in her eyes. "I love my mom, onii-san. I love her so much."
"Then why are you crying? What's making you sad?"
"Because it's almost New Year and she still doesn't remember who I am." Ayase sounds anguished but she calms down instantly when strong arms wrap around her gently to comfort her.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Jin asks as he maneuvers them both in a more comfortable position. He seats on the swing and Ayase's on his lap. He brushes her hair gently with his fingers.
"She got into a car accident," Ayase begins. "My dad told me that a part of her brain is affected and that she only remembers the time until her marriage with him. She doesn't know that she has me."
"Ayase..."
"We always see each other and she always tells me those things I've said to you. Everytime. She buys me toys and plays with me. She asks me to hug her before she goes to sleep. I tell her I love her every night, too."
"Does it hurt?"
Ayase shakes her head. "Only sometimes." She says. "When I think about it then it does. But it doesn't really hurt that much because I love her. Kazu-nii told me that time will come and she'll remember who I am."
"Why do you always believe Kazu-nii?" Jin asks in wonder.
"Because he understands me." She says. "Because Kazu-nii also lost the person he loves."
"Did he tell you about it?"
Ayase nods. "He saw me crying when he came to check up on me once. He asked me why and I told him about my mom. Kazu-nii said that it will be alright, that he feels the way I feel because he also lost someone special. He told me that that person saved him when they were younger."
"Did they meet again?"
"Yes," Ayase answers. "Kazu-nii told me that they met again but Kazu-nii told me that that person couldn't remember him anymore. He said that he goes to see that person whenever he can even though that person doesn't remember him."
Jin's heart aches, seeing Kazuya in his head at a loss. "Then doesn't that prove that some people who lose some of their memories could not remember them anymore even if time passes?"
"Kazu-nii said it takes time," Ayase says. She looks up to the sky and sees the faint glow of the stars. "He told me that it may take a long, long, long time and it doesn't matter because when you love a person, you don't want to rush them to remember. Kazu-nii said that forcing people to remember only confuses them and affects their health. He said that it's alright if I keep on waiting because waiting is a sign of how much you love someone." Silence comes afterward and it's peaceful. Jin feels Ayase at peace and he is, too.
"I asked Kazu-nii if forgotten people like us get tired of waiting and he said no."
"No?" Jin repeats. "Did he say why?"
"Kazu-nii said it's because the heart always knows and that the heart never forgets. He taught me to understand and told me to keep on loving my mom. He actually made me promise to keep on waiting for my mom and his special person to remember us. Kazu-nii is strong because he doesn't give up. I want to be like him when I grow up." Ayase is smiling brightly. She would become like Kazu-nii someday and make other people happy.
"I wish people can't lose their memories though," she tells him before he's even uttered a word. "It's hard. I don't want to lose mine. I consider every memory I have special, even if it's just the letters of the alphabet or the sequence of the numbers. I don't want to forget anything." Ayase looks up to the sky again.
"Hey, onii-san,"
"Hmm?"
"Have you ever caught snowflakes with your tongue?" Ayase asks, staring down at her mittens that now have flakes of snow clinging to some of the threads. "It's fun! My dad said that he and mom used to do that. It's a game they started when they were still young." She says and she suddenly looks pensieve. "Ah, I'll have to ask Kazu-nii to catch snowflakes with me before winter ends!"
"Why?" Jin inquires. "Does he like catching snowflakes?"
"Maybe," she answers. "He read me a book once and it says there that memories are like snowflakes. They come and go and each one is unique and special. Kazu-nii said every year, he wishes on every snowflake he catches. Maybe this time it would work, wishing on a snowflake." Ayase giggles and the sound she emits is like the soft pealing of the bells on Christmas day. It's hollow but beautiful and Jin wonders if Kame giggles like that, too. Listening to her, he now knows why Kame likes Ayase and why Ayase seems attached to Kame.
"Onii-san?"
"Hmm?"
"You're crying."
"Am I?" Jin asks, his voice sounds throaty and there's that block in his throat that chokes him up.
"Does it hurt anywhere?" Ayase asks as she wipes Jin's tears with her mitten-covered hand. "I have Kazu-nii's number. Should I call him and ask for help?"
Jin shakes his head, smiling at the child through his tears. "I'm alright."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes."
"You know, when I came to Kazu-nii yesterday, he looked like he just finished crying, too." She says. "Maybe, winter is a bad season for everyone."
"No." Jin tells Ayase, shaking his head gently. "Winter is beautiful. It brings us pretty snowflakes, remember?"
"But snowflakes melt in time." She pouts.
"They don't." Jin says and this time, there are clearer images of him and Kame inside his head and he's sure that he's calling him Kazu and his Kazu calls him Jin. They are happy memories and Jin remembers about his special snowflake. "They don't when you remember them."
-
When morning has come, he has tried not to allow his exhaustion show, and he only receives the knowing stares of Ueda. Yet, still, Kame is all smiles, holding on to what sanity he may have held onto. Kame tells himself that this is the last time he's going to play the piano as he takes his seat, opening the lid slowly, his fingers running a line on the keys. It's been a while.
"Are you going to play?"
"Yeah." Kame replies. He hasn't even allowed a flicker of emotion cross his eyes the entire time. "Would you mind if I do?"
"Not really." Ueda answers. "Just take care of it, okay? You know that that one is still up for sale."
Kame laughs but it doesn't feel right. "I'll buy this then."
"No, you won't." Ueda says. "Because if you really want to, you would have bought it a long time ago.” Ueda gives Kame a knowing stare but when the young doctor refuses to speak, he decides to let him be. “Anyway, go on, play,” he insists, preparing to leave the shop for a short while. He knows Kame likes to be alone when he's playing the piano and he trusts his instincts to be always right when it comes to being sensitive of people around him. "You haven't come here for a while so I'm guessing that your fingers are already itching to hit the keys." Again, Kame just answers Ueda with an empty laugh.
"I'll be back soon." Ueda says, seeing Kame nod at him before leaving his shop. Closing the door behind him, he sees a young man running carelessly towards him and a frown creases his brows. He knows him. Junno talks about this man a lot, too, complaining sometimes because this guy bullies him at times.
“Natsu?” He calls out when the young man stops in front of him, huffing and catching his breath.
“Aka-“ Jin swallows lungful of breaths before he is able to say, “Akanishi Jin. That’s my name.”
Ueda quirks a brow, hand never retreating from the brass door knob. “I’m afraid that the piano isn’t free today, Akanishi-san." He says, the name sounding a bit foreign to his ears.
“Is he there?” Jin asks urgently. “Is Kazuya inside?”
“He is.” Ueda confirms, now removing his hand slowly from the knob. "He's busy right now though."
"I need to see him, please."
Ueda eyes the man intently and sees nothing but panic and sincerity and fear and other different emotions are swirling in those dark browns. Love.
“Don’t tell him I let you come in.” He tells him and he bids the young man goodbye. As he walks away, he catches snowflakes in his mitten-covered hands, smiling at every snowflake that gets caught in the threads of his mittens. The snow is unusually prettier today.
-
Kame is already playing the first note of the composition while Jin slips inside the shop unnoticed. He's still wearing his coat and his hands are still cold from running, from the wind. He's slowly getting sweaty from the warmth in the room but he doesn't feel anything. All his senses are focused on Kame and his piece. The sound of the piano is somehow even rawer, more desperate and yearning when played in the dying light of the dusk. The notes of the piano yearn in a way that Kame's impassive expression does not betray, they yearn and they beg and they seduce, wrapping around Jin and then dancing away. Its sound alone is not necessarily beautiful but it is a sound that is like an emotion, like the sound of a heart breaking.
The music has become much slower now, raw and aching, each note careful and specific. But if anything, the yearning is deeper, greedier. The melody take turns between high and low notes in a beautiful combination. And suddenly, a sense of déjà-vu creeps into Jin and he remembers the moment that started it all, when he witnessed Kame playing music with his hair seemingly golden from under the sun's rays. This time, it is similar, but somehow, the piece has more depth and much more sentiments poured into it. It is like scattered pieces of emotions, of memories slowly composing into one and Jin feels the wonderful feelings of love again.
Now, without a doubt, Jin could say that he is in love with Kame, still is, and that it isn't just some fatal attraction he feels for Kame. While listening to Kame play, the feelings grow inside of him, blooming like the first bud of spring. It gives him hope; it gives him a new beginning.
It takes Jin a moment before realizing that the piece has ended and after a short silence, while the last note still lingers in the air, Jin claps his hands.
Kame opens his eyes and his face reflects confusion and surprise.
"That was beautiful." Jin’s voice is soft and sweet as he praises Kame. He has a similar memory of this and this reminds Jin of something beautiful in his past.
Suddenly, a different emotion plays through Kame's face, followed by him standing up and picking up his things. But before he knows it, Jin is already standing right in front of him, raising a hand to his cheek. The simple touch of his hand reach the depths of Kame's heart and he aches for Jin again, like most nights since they parted ways. It has been difficult, more difficult than when he was just watching him.
"I know that piece," Jin says softly, staring at Kame, gazing.
Acting on instinct, Kame puts on his mask so that Jin won't see how much he's longing for him, how much he misses him. He hides what he feels so that Jin won't feel the pressure to be Jin instead of Natsu. Maybe people adapt in a way that makes them want to forget their past and if Jin can live his life in content being Natsu, then by all means, Kame would give him that. It would continue to break him but Kame would live. He knows he would.
"Jin used to play it for me." Kame says lightly. "He taught me that piece."
"He's a good teacher."
"He was." Kame agrees, gripping tighter on his things as if they could support him.
"Was?" Jin says and he wonders why it hurts.
"He's gone now," Kame answers quietly. "But it's alright because you're here, Natsu. You won't be here if Jin was here."
"Kame..."
"He used to call me Kazu," Kame says, looking at the white wall behind Jin. "And he promised he wouldn't forget me. But I guess it's okay because people change and when they do, they want to completely run away from the past for some reason."
The silence that follows creeps up on them.
"Hey, Natsu,"
"Yeah?"
"Pursue your dreams." Kame says, finally able to look at Jin straight in the eyes. "Jin would be happy if you're able to share your music to the world. It used to be his dream."
"I need to tell you something," Jin says instead, his heart thudding wildly in his chest. He feels anxious and there's that sense of dread, a fear for something unknown, clinging in his nerves.
"I have something to tell you, too." Kame replies. He takes a deep breath and slowly exhales. "I'm saying goodbye. I'm moving to Europe."
"Moving...?" Jin is astounded. "Why?"
"I'm going to live there." Kame's eyes flicker away for a moment. He looks around the whole place and thinks everything between them is too much of a coincidence. This isn't even funny and Kame doesn't feel grateful for it anymore. "A known hospital there wants me to be a part of their team and they offered me a deal that is quite fitting for me right now. I also think that it's an opportunity for us both to start anew."
"You don't have to-"
"I have to." Kame breathes in deeply. "We both know that. You wouldn't be Natsu if you know that I'm just around. Every time you remember me, you will be reminded of who you used to be. It wouldn't be good for you and it isn't fair for me, too."
Despite what Kame has said, Jin breaks into a smile, one that's sweet and genuine, one that speaks of a past. "You haven't changed..." Jin comments, catching Kame off guard.
"What do you know?" Kame inquires, frowning at Jin. It seems that he couldn't get a good grasp on him; would never. It seems as though that he doesn't really know the other very well.
"When I told you that I was leaving to study music abroad you said that you're happy for me and would support me." Jin says, happy with the memory he's recalled. He's remembered significant memories in the past few days. It exhausted him but it's worth it because it's Kame. He looks at Kame with tender eyes, memorizing each angle and feature of Kame's face as if he’s as intricate as a snowflake. "You said those words even if you were hurting. I knew you were."
"Don't bring up the p-" Kame cuts himsef off in a sudden, eyes widening when realization dawns on him. "You...remember?"
Jin nods, smiling as he pulls Kame to him. "I do. I went for a check-up last week and the doctor assessed my progress. He told me that I'm starting to remember most things that I've forgotten since the procedure was only meant to suppress my memories."
"What do you mean?" Kame asks, frowning a little.
"I don't have amnesia. But right now isn't the time for that. I'll explain later." Jin explains.
"Then what are you doing here?" Kame asks, confused and lost with what Jin wants to tell him.
"You lied and that isn't fair for me, too." Jin says instead. "You knew my feelings for you then and yet, you still let me go." Despite that, Jin smiles a nostalgic, intimate smile, like a treasured possession pulled out of the back of a drawer. His eyes narrow in an utterly charming way. He reaches out and gently curls his fingers into Kame’s hair. "And I know that I love you, Kazuya," he whispers to Kame's ear.
Slowly, Jin breathes in Kame's scent and it calms him down; everything about Kame is familiar, even with the way his body reacts. This time, Kame allow his tears to fall but he's happy, overwhelmed with his feelings and he reminds himself that this is the last time he'll cry because of Jin. Tears are stupid and crying makes him feel lame. He's never like this but Jin makes him feel vulnerable at times, ignoring the walls he has built up for himself.
"I used to tease you a lot, didn't I?" Jin says softly, teasing even if his tears are running down his cheeks. He wipes them quickly, curling his fingers to play with Kame's hair. "We played games and the piano together. We used to stay in that café where Koki and Maru work."
Kame nods against Jin's shoulder. "Thank you," is all he could say, grateful that Jin tried and didn't completely let go.
Jin feels Kame's arms around him tighten and Kame is saying something, cursing him now most probably and he's calling him an idiot, but Kame's warm breath on his neck is enough to let Jin know that everything is going to be fine. He feels Kame's warmth and Jin wants Kame to hold him like that forever and just let everything take its course; like delicate seashell wind chimes that dance with every blow of the wind. They both could hear it in their ears and they could almost taste spring. Jin shifts then, kissing Kame on the lips. Maybe this is what a fifth season is like. Maybe it has a snowflake for winter, spring, summer and fall to stay.
The end.
-
A/N: I think this song and this song fit this fic very well. I hope you had a good time reading this :) Comments are always appreciated ♥