Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck
Seems like every day I have at least a half hour in my day where I think to myself, "Self, you are the dumbest piece of shite alive." It's just that lately I keep thinking about how it might have been like the worst thing I could have done to let myself get wrapped up in Sara again back in August and therefore break things off with Maria. Maria was such a good girl in countless ways and I totally and completely turned my back on her because I was stupid enough to let Sara make me think that we could atually end up together one day after all.
You moralistic people out there won't like what I'm abou to say, but....I am at least glad that I had the opportunity to cheat on Sara while we were oceans apart. She doesn't know about it, but knowing now what I know, i am glad that I did it. Fuck her.
She's emailed me a couple times since I broke off contact with her. I reply quite tersely and I think after the last exchange, she's got the picture that I don't want her in my life. The problem is - I know Maria feels about me the way I feel about Sara. I am thinking about sending Maria a big fat long email just to admit to her that she was right, I was stupid, I made a huge mistake, and I live with the guilt of it every day.
At the same time, though, maybe it just wasn't meant to be. Sara messed my sensibilities up so bad , maybe I never fully got over the original break up in December like I thought I had. Maybe I thought I was ready to have Maria try to come to America and live here but I really wasn't. I wish Maria could understand that i was just so turned upside down that I really wasn't in a logical state of mind, though I may have appeared otherwise.
All I know is that there was damage done to Maria, to me, who knows if Sara really feels anything, and I wish it all had happened differently. I don't want to be thinking for the rest of my life that I blew my one true chance at finding the right girl. Because right now, I can't imgaine that won't ever be the case. I have to stop thinking about it....can't. And god knows (god/the sun/some dog, whatever) that women in LA are not the answer. Everyone out here is either after money and fame and status or they're here trying to "find themselves" which somehow means they can't be involved with anyone even casually. I hate LA women. And I hate Jim Morrison for loving them so much. Just for spite. There. How do you like that.
Ok that's all for now. I have to go make dinner and watch Rick Steve's Europe on PBS.
You moralistic people out there won't like what I'm abou to say, but....I am at least glad that I had the opportunity to cheat on Sara while we were oceans apart. She doesn't know about it, but knowing now what I know, i am glad that I did it. Fuck her.
She's emailed me a couple times since I broke off contact with her. I reply quite tersely and I think after the last exchange, she's got the picture that I don't want her in my life. The problem is - I know Maria feels about me the way I feel about Sara. I am thinking about sending Maria a big fat long email just to admit to her that she was right, I was stupid, I made a huge mistake, and I live with the guilt of it every day.
At the same time, though, maybe it just wasn't meant to be. Sara messed my sensibilities up so bad , maybe I never fully got over the original break up in December like I thought I had. Maybe I thought I was ready to have Maria try to come to America and live here but I really wasn't. I wish Maria could understand that i was just so turned upside down that I really wasn't in a logical state of mind, though I may have appeared otherwise.
All I know is that there was damage done to Maria, to me, who knows if Sara really feels anything, and I wish it all had happened differently. I don't want to be thinking for the rest of my life that I blew my one true chance at finding the right girl. Because right now, I can't imgaine that won't ever be the case. I have to stop thinking about it....can't. And god knows (god/the sun/some dog, whatever) that women in LA are not the answer. Everyone out here is either after money and fame and status or they're here trying to "find themselves" which somehow means they can't be involved with anyone even casually. I hate LA women. And I hate Jim Morrison for loving them so much. Just for spite. There. How do you like that.
Ok that's all for now. I have to go make dinner and watch Rick Steve's Europe on PBS.