Loneliness
It’s funny…when I was married, I was always so jealous of my single friends and the alone time they had. Now that I’m living alone (I won’t say single since I’m dating Mr. Cruise), I find that I am exceptionally lonely. How do you balance those two things out?
I would call Mr. Cruise…but really, what would I have to say? We already spoke for an hour and twenty minutes tonight. If I call, I’m sure he’ll chat, but really, wouldn’t that be overkill? If I wanted to speak with him, that’s one thing…but the fact that I’m just super lonely and would speak to just about anyone right now doesn’t bode well. I really don’t have anything remotely interesting left to say.
How do you conquer this lonely feeling? It feels so dark. Disclaimer: I promise I am safe right now. But the thing is that the dark, lonely place inside of me right now is especially ugly right this second. I have tried calling a few friends, but no one is answering the phone. I guess that makes it feel even worse right this second, that is literally no one out there to speak with right now. Fuck.
I need to feel better. Yes, I think the meds are helping ever so slightly, but they aren’t nearly effective enough. I shouldn’t feel like life is so dark and ugly. I have things pretty good. I own a lovely condo. I am looking at ultimately NOT having to work due to disability. I have a boyfriend, and we love each other very much. What more do I need?
I hate to say it, but I feel like a lot of it right this second boils down to the fact that I can’t just call up my mom and chat. As I’ve said before, it’s not so much her that I want, but a mother in general. There are several other women who have stepped up and served as positive role models in my life, which I am forever grateful for. Those women haven’t exactly filled that empty place inside, but they have at least shown me that there are different ways to exist other than what my mother exposed me to. I guess I have this fairy-tale idea in my mind that if I had a real, decent mother, I could call her up for support right now. Which I highly suspect in real-life wouldn’t actually work that way, but it’s still a very warm and fuzzy fantasy.
I guess I need to find some greater purpose for my life. Yes, that is probably the most boring statement you have ever heard, but really, if I had some particular goal meaningful to me, I might be coping better right now. You know, I actually had one pretty good idea in that sense, although I’m not sure how it would play into disability. When you do foster care, is the money you receive considered actual income, or is it deemed to be a stipend? If it’s a stipend, it might not work against you in terms of earned income (because you can only earn a certain amount of money while on disability). Maybe it’s a foolish idea; if I’m too disabled to work, how can I be healthy enough to raise a child? I know it would be hard dealing with children coming and going regularly, but I guess in my heart I would always feel like I was doing something important for these kids, giving them love and support…even if only for a short period of time in their life. Kind of like the other women who stepped up and showed compassion to me as I was growing up.
I know, stupid pipe dream idea…but I guess I’m just trying really hard to find a way to make my life work to a point where I’m not miserable with myself. I obviously have nothing against people who are depressed, especially given that I am one. However, my pet peeve in life is people who refuse to do anything to fix the situation. I’m actively trying all sorts of ways to feel better. Even though most of them feel shitty in action.
So I’m sitting at the edge, trying to figure out what to do next. I feel REALLY shitty and alone right this second. I’m torn between either fixing another drink (*snort*…I KNOW that’s not a good, healthy choice) or perhaps just taking a hefty dose of antianxiety medication (which is technically wrong, but I’m worried I’ve been doing that too often lately). I guess there is always the “just do nothing” approach, but again, I am striving to do SOMETHING to change the way I feel right now. I am really reaching the limits of what I can tolerate inside. Again, not to the point of being unsafe…but definitely to the point where I am absolutely miserable and fed up inside.
Oh well. As usual, all I can do is keep on trying. I guess I’ll try making a list of 10 things I can go do right now that I might enjoy if I wasn’t feeling so shitty. Maybe then I’ll attempt to pick one to do, in an attempt to fool my brain that I’m actually enjoying something. Yes, I realize I sound like the lamest self-help book ever, but really, I’m trying. I don’t know what else to do. I’ve made the decision that I won’t kill myself…so I have to keep trudging forward, however hard and ugly it might be.
I would call Mr. Cruise…but really, what would I have to say? We already spoke for an hour and twenty minutes tonight. If I call, I’m sure he’ll chat, but really, wouldn’t that be overkill? If I wanted to speak with him, that’s one thing…but the fact that I’m just super lonely and would speak to just about anyone right now doesn’t bode well. I really don’t have anything remotely interesting left to say.
How do you conquer this lonely feeling? It feels so dark. Disclaimer: I promise I am safe right now. But the thing is that the dark, lonely place inside of me right now is especially ugly right this second. I have tried calling a few friends, but no one is answering the phone. I guess that makes it feel even worse right this second, that is literally no one out there to speak with right now. Fuck.
I need to feel better. Yes, I think the meds are helping ever so slightly, but they aren’t nearly effective enough. I shouldn’t feel like life is so dark and ugly. I have things pretty good. I own a lovely condo. I am looking at ultimately NOT having to work due to disability. I have a boyfriend, and we love each other very much. What more do I need?
I hate to say it, but I feel like a lot of it right this second boils down to the fact that I can’t just call up my mom and chat. As I’ve said before, it’s not so much her that I want, but a mother in general. There are several other women who have stepped up and served as positive role models in my life, which I am forever grateful for. Those women haven’t exactly filled that empty place inside, but they have at least shown me that there are different ways to exist other than what my mother exposed me to. I guess I have this fairy-tale idea in my mind that if I had a real, decent mother, I could call her up for support right now. Which I highly suspect in real-life wouldn’t actually work that way, but it’s still a very warm and fuzzy fantasy.
I guess I need to find some greater purpose for my life. Yes, that is probably the most boring statement you have ever heard, but really, if I had some particular goal meaningful to me, I might be coping better right now. You know, I actually had one pretty good idea in that sense, although I’m not sure how it would play into disability. When you do foster care, is the money you receive considered actual income, or is it deemed to be a stipend? If it’s a stipend, it might not work against you in terms of earned income (because you can only earn a certain amount of money while on disability). Maybe it’s a foolish idea; if I’m too disabled to work, how can I be healthy enough to raise a child? I know it would be hard dealing with children coming and going regularly, but I guess in my heart I would always feel like I was doing something important for these kids, giving them love and support…even if only for a short period of time in their life. Kind of like the other women who stepped up and showed compassion to me as I was growing up.
I know, stupid pipe dream idea…but I guess I’m just trying really hard to find a way to make my life work to a point where I’m not miserable with myself. I obviously have nothing against people who are depressed, especially given that I am one. However, my pet peeve in life is people who refuse to do anything to fix the situation. I’m actively trying all sorts of ways to feel better. Even though most of them feel shitty in action.
So I’m sitting at the edge, trying to figure out what to do next. I feel REALLY shitty and alone right this second. I’m torn between either fixing another drink (*snort*…I KNOW that’s not a good, healthy choice) or perhaps just taking a hefty dose of antianxiety medication (which is technically wrong, but I’m worried I’ve been doing that too often lately). I guess there is always the “just do nothing” approach, but again, I am striving to do SOMETHING to change the way I feel right now. I am really reaching the limits of what I can tolerate inside. Again, not to the point of being unsafe…but definitely to the point where I am absolutely miserable and fed up inside.
Oh well. As usual, all I can do is keep on trying. I guess I’ll try making a list of 10 things I can go do right now that I might enjoy if I wasn’t feeling so shitty. Maybe then I’ll attempt to pick one to do, in an attempt to fool my brain that I’m actually enjoying something. Yes, I realize I sound like the lamest self-help book ever, but really, I’m trying. I don’t know what else to do. I’ve made the decision that I won’t kill myself…so I have to keep trudging forward, however hard and ugly it might be.