Nice day while it lasted...
I was doing well…until my brother called.
I was pretty open with him about the therapist’s suggestion that I consider not working/going on disability. I wouldn’t say he was exactly on board with that. But the thing that particularly irks me is that he started giving me all sorts of his opinions and advice when all of it was completely unsolicited. I didn’t ask him what I should do; I just told him what was going on. He felt that he should then tell me that he’s hired people, and that it will look really bad on my resume (that and the fact it’s taken me 10 years to finish college). Well, no shit…my resume already looks funky; yes,, this won’t help, but it’s not like I’m breaking a perfect record either. He then goes on to tell me how I’m just a normal person, and everyone can feel physically ill when they think of work (he often does, for instance). He tries telling me that I shouldn’t take what the therapists say about my mental health too seriously; I’m not that bad. Then the icing on the cake is that he starts telling me that I’m too worried about the thyroid stuff; if it was bad, they already would have hauled me into the hospital to do something about it if it was that much of a threat. *Snort*
I get that I am extremely high-functioning for someone with recurring severe depression issues. I don’t fit the mold of someone who would stereotypically be disabled. But fuck, he’s hardly a mental health professional…I don’t know why he feels he should be telling me to go against their advice. I think he feels he has an inside track to psychological stuff because he’s married to someone working on her PhD in child behavioral psychology. I get that he’s not exactly uninformed about stuff (he suffers from depression to a certain degree too, although nowhere near as badly as I do)…but still, I’ve talked to him maybe once a month the past year…and before that maybe like twice a year. I think the therapist who has seen me minimum twice a month for the past 18 months (who does have official training, no less) might have a better idea what I am and am not capabable of doing. It’s not easy for me to hear the suggestion that maybe I shouldn’t work right now as it is…hearing from my brother how it’s a bad idea that could only lead to worse things doesn’t help. I get that it could get ugly if I quit work. But it’s better than the alternative of me killing myself because I’m so fucking miserable with my job.
He goes on to tell me that really, he’s supportive - but he wants me to see the other side of the coin. Ugh. I’m know that having a differing opinion does not automatically put him in the category of being unsupportive, but I just feel like he really doesn’t know everything about the situation. I kept trying to explain different aspects to him that he might not know about, but he kept telling me that I didn’t see the other side of things. I don’t think he understands; I DO see the other side, and that’s why I’m freaked out about the thought of not working…but frankly, I just can’t keep it together much longer. He said I wasn’t giving myself enough credit for how well I’ve done…but he has no clue how hard it has been and how much I have been struggling. I could also see his input being critical if I was asking him for financial support or something like that. Well, frankly, I’m NOT asking him (or any other family members) for a dime. I am trying to figure out a way to do this as a self-supporting individual.
Ugh, I am really worked up. And it pisses me off that he got under my skin this way…the day was actually really going well until I talked with him. And even worse, he got me all worked up in a 25 minute conversation…then right when I’m crying and trying to explain to him how much I’m struggling, he goes on to tell me he has to go, he’ll call next week - he’s picking up take out for dinner. *Snort* I see where I rate on the scale of importance. I get that he needed to run in and get the food…but he could have said he’d call me back later tonight or even this weekend. I was clearly upset…if he had been on the phone upset with me, I wouldn’t have dropped him cold like that.
Oh well. I guess in a way part of why I’m so upset is that this just further illustrates how I’m really alone in so many ways, without family support. His argument to this was that I’ve been alone for a long time, even during my marriage (because my husband was so uninvolved in my life), didn't really help me feel much better either. I guess I wouldn’t be so sore about this if I felt like I had friends I could count on, but I just feel like I’ve been left out in the cold by a lot of my “friends” lately. Not all, obviously, but enough that it hurts sometimes.
Ugh. I’ve already washed the tears off my face in an effort to try to feel better (even though I feel like shit inside right now). I’m going to try to continue with my original plans that I had tonight, to run to Home Depot (to return some stuff/get some caulking) and then to go get a pizza. I don’t really feel like doing any of that right now, but I know that wouldn’t be the healthiest choice in terms of doing what I need to do to take care of myself. I can’t let my brother’s opinion affect me this way. It’s just his opinion…he can express it if he wants, but I don’t have to take his advice. I think I may have to handle this the same way that I handle my grandmother - just kind of nod when she tells me stuff, but do what I need to do anyway.
I was pretty open with him about the therapist’s suggestion that I consider not working/going on disability. I wouldn’t say he was exactly on board with that. But the thing that particularly irks me is that he started giving me all sorts of his opinions and advice when all of it was completely unsolicited. I didn’t ask him what I should do; I just told him what was going on. He felt that he should then tell me that he’s hired people, and that it will look really bad on my resume (that and the fact it’s taken me 10 years to finish college). Well, no shit…my resume already looks funky; yes,, this won’t help, but it’s not like I’m breaking a perfect record either. He then goes on to tell me how I’m just a normal person, and everyone can feel physically ill when they think of work (he often does, for instance). He tries telling me that I shouldn’t take what the therapists say about my mental health too seriously; I’m not that bad. Then the icing on the cake is that he starts telling me that I’m too worried about the thyroid stuff; if it was bad, they already would have hauled me into the hospital to do something about it if it was that much of a threat. *Snort*
I get that I am extremely high-functioning for someone with recurring severe depression issues. I don’t fit the mold of someone who would stereotypically be disabled. But fuck, he’s hardly a mental health professional…I don’t know why he feels he should be telling me to go against their advice. I think he feels he has an inside track to psychological stuff because he’s married to someone working on her PhD in child behavioral psychology. I get that he’s not exactly uninformed about stuff (he suffers from depression to a certain degree too, although nowhere near as badly as I do)…but still, I’ve talked to him maybe once a month the past year…and before that maybe like twice a year. I think the therapist who has seen me minimum twice a month for the past 18 months (who does have official training, no less) might have a better idea what I am and am not capabable of doing. It’s not easy for me to hear the suggestion that maybe I shouldn’t work right now as it is…hearing from my brother how it’s a bad idea that could only lead to worse things doesn’t help. I get that it could get ugly if I quit work. But it’s better than the alternative of me killing myself because I’m so fucking miserable with my job.
He goes on to tell me that really, he’s supportive - but he wants me to see the other side of the coin. Ugh. I’m know that having a differing opinion does not automatically put him in the category of being unsupportive, but I just feel like he really doesn’t know everything about the situation. I kept trying to explain different aspects to him that he might not know about, but he kept telling me that I didn’t see the other side of things. I don’t think he understands; I DO see the other side, and that’s why I’m freaked out about the thought of not working…but frankly, I just can’t keep it together much longer. He said I wasn’t giving myself enough credit for how well I’ve done…but he has no clue how hard it has been and how much I have been struggling. I could also see his input being critical if I was asking him for financial support or something like that. Well, frankly, I’m NOT asking him (or any other family members) for a dime. I am trying to figure out a way to do this as a self-supporting individual.
Ugh, I am really worked up. And it pisses me off that he got under my skin this way…the day was actually really going well until I talked with him. And even worse, he got me all worked up in a 25 minute conversation…then right when I’m crying and trying to explain to him how much I’m struggling, he goes on to tell me he has to go, he’ll call next week - he’s picking up take out for dinner. *Snort* I see where I rate on the scale of importance. I get that he needed to run in and get the food…but he could have said he’d call me back later tonight or even this weekend. I was clearly upset…if he had been on the phone upset with me, I wouldn’t have dropped him cold like that.
Oh well. I guess in a way part of why I’m so upset is that this just further illustrates how I’m really alone in so many ways, without family support. His argument to this was that I’ve been alone for a long time, even during my marriage (because my husband was so uninvolved in my life), didn't really help me feel much better either. I guess I wouldn’t be so sore about this if I felt like I had friends I could count on, but I just feel like I’ve been left out in the cold by a lot of my “friends” lately. Not all, obviously, but enough that it hurts sometimes.
Ugh. I’ve already washed the tears off my face in an effort to try to feel better (even though I feel like shit inside right now). I’m going to try to continue with my original plans that I had tonight, to run to Home Depot (to return some stuff/get some caulking) and then to go get a pizza. I don’t really feel like doing any of that right now, but I know that wouldn’t be the healthiest choice in terms of doing what I need to do to take care of myself. I can’t let my brother’s opinion affect me this way. It’s just his opinion…he can express it if he wants, but I don’t have to take his advice. I think I may have to handle this the same way that I handle my grandmother - just kind of nod when she tells me stuff, but do what I need to do anyway.